I’m still here. Kind of. 

*Pregnancy mentioned* I do remember what it was like in the trenches. 

Ok first I swear I had a draft typed up of an update. Like months ago. But no idea what happened to it. 

After the Halloween bleed I had no more. It was just the suppositories irritating the cervix. Bleeding does not always mean the end. But try telling a hormonal pregnant woman with infertility and loss ptsd that. 

Weaning off the meds was terrifying and liberating. But mainly terrifying. All was ok though. I learned to trust my body a little. 

I wanted to update here. I wanted to write. But I was afraid. Afraid that talking about it would somehow jynx it. Also I didn’t want to hurt those in the trenches. I know how hard it is to read the daily or weekly bump updates. I didn’t want to be that person. Here’s a little. 

My pregnancy was very easy. Not mentally. I was a basket case always torn between waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying to enjoy every second of being pregnant. I love being pregnant. I had several colds. Which sucked. And the worst heartburn of my life. I was as big as a house. My butt grew like 3 sizes. But I loved it all. 

Once I finish my birth story I’ll put it here in more detail. 

My lo was due July 4.  He decided to come a month early. Landed himself in the nicu for just over a week. Which felt like a month. Time stands still in nicu. Much like I imagine time in hell would. If I believed in hell. But that’s another story. 

He was the biggest preemie in the nicu at 7lbs 5oz. He had an atrial flutter discovered at my routine ob apt at 35 weeks. They had to take him early. 

He was colicky. He has gerd. He has milk and soy allergies. He has breastfeeding issues so I have to exclusively pump. He is a high needs baby. (Google the dr sears explanation of that). He is allergic to sleep apparently. He has not let me put him down since birth. He is so much more intense than I ever imagined. 

And I know I should be so lucky. But holy hell is it hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is be his mother. But yes it’s worth it. So very worth it. He is perfect to me. 

Don’t get me started on my marriage either. That’s a whole other blog. Colic and gerd and screaming and allergies and never sleeping and more screaming reallllyy takes a toll…

So as you see I have had no time. None for my marriage. None for myself. None for this blog. Once I do get the time I will go into more detail. Of the birth. Of the nicu. Of marriage post baby. Of it all. 

I have not forgotten you. In the trenches. On the other side with me. Just starting your journey. 

I’ll be back. (Bonus points if you read that in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice) (what kind of name is Arnold anyways) 

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Me vs progesterone 

So last night I spotted lightly briefly. Just once. Watery red/pink. Had blood work done this morning and the hcg is perfect at 2911. But my progesterone dropped from 29 to 17. Since Wednesday. The nurse isn’t concerned. She said I’m on the max of progesterone already so she won’t increase. (3 suppositories a day and 1.0 PIO shot) But after googling (big mistake) I’m petrified. And wondering why I can’t up my PIO shot to 1.5. My ultrasound is Wednesday. The nurse said that the ultrasound is the best way to tell how it’s going. Hcg is second best. Then the other blood tests. 

So has anyone been maxed out on progesterone and had it decrease and had success? I’ve heard enough of the other side of this situation, I just need any successes. I need hope. 

So then…

*trigger warning*

We did our first FET with 2 beautiful embryos this month. Things I did different:

Lost 8lbs before the transfer

Neupogen wash & Intralipids 5 days prior to transfer

Hcg wash at transfer

Got sick with a head cold the day before transfer and am still recovering 😒

I was also on dexamethasone, metformin, synthroid, coq10, estrace, PIO, endometrian

My beta was Monday. So naturally I was planning on poas Sunday morning. Saturday night I had a dream I had twins. I was thanking and hugging my RE. And of course crying. Sunday I woke up and poas and actually got a BFP! Cue the freaking out and tears. Beta was 276 at 9 days past transfer. We transferred 1 day 5 and 1 day 6. Today 2nd beta was 580! So more than double, which is perfect. The nurses said that’s a high number and could possibly point to twins. 😊 

I’m beyond excited, but so nervous. I know too well that things can go south any second.  But if my ectopic loss taught me anything it’s to live in the present tense. Today I am pregnant. No matter what the future brings I will enjoy being pregnant today. As surreal as it feels. ❤️

A guide to learn from your failed IVF cycle

Awesome insight into failed IVF

Jenn's Blog

 

If you’re like me, and (a) have had a failed IVF, and (b) believe there is no such thing as too much information, then read on!

I discovered a guide to learning from your failed cycle on a forum and thought it was too awesome not to share. I read this before my post IVF follow up meeting with RE, I will write about how that went in my next post. 

Agate’s guide to learning from your failed IVF cycle

The purpose of this post is to help answer some of the frequent questions ladies have about improving their chances after a failed IVF.  Remember that an OE or DE IVF cycle can be diagnostic in itself.   Many couples will have a baby from their first or second IVF cycle, which (obviously) suggests that IVF is all they need.  Not getting pregnant after 2 or 3 IVFs or getting pregnant…

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I’m alive

I’m not dead yet. I promise.

 I just literally can’t even. I hope you read that in the most basic white girl voice possible. I wish I could have a pumpkin spice latte right now. 

I just wanted to say hi. And I’m still on a blogging break. I don’t want to think or talk about IF for a while. Hence, being MIA here. Still here in the trenches. Still not pregnant surprise surprise. 

 That being said IF and not being pregnant is still of course all I think about. It’s still consuming. It still sucks and hurts. I still walk out of the room mumbling when my coworkers start talking about having babies. Because they’re naively planning. And for those lucky bitches it probably will go as planned. It probably will be easy. 

I’ll be back. After halloween. Baby dust to you all. 

Ain’t no sunshine 

Today was a bad day for a lot of us IFers. My 3rd IVF transfer was a bfn. As usual. So many others cycling with me IRL and online also got the bfn today. Today just sucks. Instead of a single line on the pee stick it should just have a middle finger pop up. Same thing right? 

So the baby growing in my tube that was created the moment we decided to start tying to have a baby grew like a fucking weed right? Grew so damn well it almost killed me. But 5 perfect embryos carefully, painstakingly created and placed just so in a warm cushy uterus with plenty of progesterone and estrogen won’t implant. Not even a chemical pregnancy. Zilch. 

To say I’m frustrated and pissed off is an understatement. 

Luckily we have some frozen. Thank you HGH! FETs for us now. I’ve never done one so I’ve got no idea what to expect. 

As I may have mentioned before, I love to write. I used to be pretty damn good at it. My genius was born of my pain. 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” -Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. You just sit down at the typewriter and bleed.” -Hemingway again? I forget who. 

I’ve not been inspired through this whole process. I’ve been through enough pain. Physical and emotional. But I have no words. I feel like after this, after it works or doesn’t, is when it’ll all come gushing out. Like right now I’ve got a tourniquet on. And after some sort of ending, I’ll release it…

Maybe I’ll be healing by then. Or maybe the wound will refuse to close and I’ll still be bleeding everywhere. 

Kitchen sink, minus the sink

So I’m back to square 1 now. Turns out insurance doesn’t cover neupogen, HGH, or intralipids. And they’re all too $ for me. So those are the meds to combat my immune issues. The most important changes the Dr made. 

I’m really feeling down. Maybe it’s because I’ve been awake since 3am with tummy troubles and sore joints. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid that the feeling and thoughts I’ve had since adolescence that I can’t have kids is right. Maybe I just need to start facing the reality. 

New Plan

I just had my wtf phone consult with the big guy at my clinic. He said we’ve been too delicate with me and we’re throwing everything and the kitchen sink into this next cycle, which starts asap. 

Birth control, lupron, estrace, neupogen, growth hormone, menopur? Gonal? Intralipids. 

(All dependent on cost and insurance coverage of course. Let’s hope!) 

Maybe a day 3 transfer, maybe a freeze all. 

All needs to be done by our vacation. 

😁😳

I asked about immune testing but he said just looking at my history he knows I have immune issues and doesn’t want to waste time and $ so he’s treating me for that. 

I feel good about a complete change. He said I’m on a high fat low carb diet. Which I have been. Mostly. 

If you’ve done intralipids and/or neupogen what was your experience? Are the intralipids an infusion? How long does that take?  Do these things really increase success rates? TIA! 

The Value of those without Children in Society

Re-blogging this because I know this to be true. I have experienced all of this all my life. I wish it would change but know that it won’t. Thanks to the author for posting this!

A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy - An Infertile Man's Perspective

I’m going to write this piece as politely as possible and my intention is to get everyone to think rather than offend people.  This piece also is not directed at any one person as this is a societal norm.

Until infertility came along I never fully recognized the bias society has towards those with children.  In the work place in families, in the media and everyday life people with children are given a break more so than those without children.  If you have two employees one has kids who can’t stay late because of their kids softball/baseball game and the other doesn’t have kids but has a dinner date with their spouse it’s easy to know which one will have to stay late.  Same goes for families with aging parents where the sibling without kids has to take on the responsibility of taking care of their parents rather than the…

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Numb

Today it became beta official. Bfn for IVF 2. 

Next steps? IVF 3. Starting when I get the horrendous after IVF AF I go in for a baseline and then start a long protocol. That’s 2 months for an IVF cycle. 1 month is birth control and lupron down regulation (thanks pcos). Then I have a consult with the big dr. and start the stims. 

Honestly, I’m not going to be blogging much. I might update with the protocol in August. But I’m going to enjoy not thinking of IVF and IF for a while. I’m going to try to focus on my marriage for the next month instead of baby making. It’ll be a kind of break.  I still have to eat strictly for healthy eggs etc. But I’m having some booze now because how can I not when I just had another failed IVF? With 2 little embryos this time. I’m numb.