Coping when you don’t believe in god.

*If you are religious, this post is not for you. It shouldn’t be offensive (my intent is never malicious), but it is meant for people who do not believe in organized religion.*

As I mentioned before I am not religious. I was raised catholic. My dad was catholic. My mom is a born again Christian. I had to go through all the hoops and bible school (or get my butt whooped), but I never really believed.

I am able to appreciate the “I’m praying for you” and understand where people are coming from and what they are trying to say. But it offers little or no comfort. It sometimes crosses boundaries and adds more stress to my life, especially when it comes to my mother. Her response shortly after my ectopic surgery was that she had a grand baby in heaven with god. Obviously, that conversation ended there.

I stumbled across this article today called “Coping with your child’s death when you don’t believe in god.” It is the first thing of its kind that I’ve read post ectopic that I really agree with. I could have written most of it. So I’m putting it out here for any of you that share my beliefs, or lack there of.

I also want to thank this community for respecting boundaries. I know a lot of people here are religious. I have not felt like I’ve had someone else’s religion shoved down my throat. I have not been offended. I hopefully have not managed to offend anyone else. This place is very healing and open, which is unlike most places on the internet. I respect all of you deeply.

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The Big O, or lack there of.

Cd 18. Another – opk. If I were going to ovulate ‘on time’ (by cd 21) wouldn’t I have a LH surge by now? How bad is ‘late’ ovulation? I of course have heard of late ovulators getting a BFP but I have no idea how those pregnancies turned out. How long do I wait once cd 21 comes and goes before going back to the doctor?

I have heard that women are ‘more fertile’ after the HSG test because it can clear out mucus etc in the tubes. Since I’m at a higher risk for another ectopic I’ll take all the help I can get cleaning my lonely tube so I don’t have to go through that again. BUT what the hell good is that if I don’t friggin’ ovulate!? How long after the HSG would the tube be more cleared? One cycle, three?

If I don’t ovulate and go to the doctor what do I do? I’d like to go the vitex route I think but that takes so long to start working. Again, how long would the tube be cleared out for? But what else is there? Clomid? Clomid scares me. The side effects plus dropping more than 2 eggs at a time. I could handle twins. Mr. Big doesn’t want twins but damnit I/we want 2 kids so why not get it out of the way in one shot if I can? It’s my vagina damnit. 🙂 But if I get 3+ ready to drop then I have to skip that cycle right? That could be even more wasted time.

Have any of you dealt with anovulation? I’d love to hear your stories. If you have taken vitex I’d also like to hear how it worked for you, what it did for you. Same with Clomid.

I’m so mad right now. Sure I have a little hope I’ll ovulate by cd 21 or just ovulate late. But given my last few months and my negative nancy/ realistic mood I’m trying to prepare for the worst. My body flat out refuses to let me even try to get pregnant. Infuriating. Ttc is all I can focus on lately. My body just continues to add insult to injury. If it were an employee I would have fired it by now!

My acupuncturist wants me to do another session if I’m not ovulating, but I can’t afford another $60 for it this month. I’ve done 2 already.

I’m emotionally snacking right now. 😦 It doesn’t help anything I know. But dark chocolate goji berry candies are delicious.

I’m done venting. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any experience you can share.

Another day, another – opk.

Cd 17. Still waiting for any ovulation signs. No smiley face (I use the clear blue digital opk).

The friend, let’s call her F, and I had coffee. Well, she had coffee. I was waiting to take an opk test so I drank nothing. It started exactly as I thought it would with her saying ‘was I ok with how things were and wouldn’t I like it to be better between us’ which is absurd because she lost my trust so it’ll never be how it was. She asked if I’d ever tell her what happened with me and if anyone else knew. Of course, everyone that I trust and who I know will support me knows! But then she gave it up. Thank goodness.

The rest of the hour and a half was basically her venting about her issues. The very people that had been starting drama between me and her that she listened to instead of asking me about things are now ‘fake as hell’ etc. I could have gone off on her several times but instead I found myself laughing inside. Not at her, at the situation.

For the first time in the 12 years I’ve been friends with her, I was able to sit back and look at the conversation objectively. I didn’t get pulled into her drama. I didn’t let her into my life. It was all just negativity. When I got home later my dh made an observation. Back when I was talking to her a lot and was actually friends with her, I was more negative. All the time. Since I stopped talking to her, I’ve been more positive. Which says a lot because I thought I was pretty down and negative after the ectopic.

I left with impression, and maybe I’m wrong this is just how I feel, that she wanted to meet with me now just to vent. She needs me in her life now because her new BFF is probably only concerned with being pregnant. Now it’s convenient to talk to me like a normal person. Now she can acknowledge me. Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be meeting with her for as long as I don’t need negativity in my life.

Nothing else to report. Just waiting for the big O. If it happens…

Admit it, you’ve changed.

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But that’s not a bad thing. We change into stronger versions of our former selves. Skin grows thicker. It takes a longer blade to make us bleed now. Innocence, gone. Torn from us. Will we ever get that naive, doe-eyed look back? No. Will we be able to take a breath without a twinge of fear? No. We will never be ignorant again. Jaded as we are, a weaker person couldn’t survive where we traveled. This is who we are now.

A reminder, and updates.

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Good to remind ourselves sometimes.

 

On another note, fall tv shows are back. Some of them. Why are so many characters friggin pregnant? Ugh. Yeah it’s all so easy when it’s scripted.

Also, meeting with that friend tomorrow. We will see how that goes. I’m betting it’ll end on me walking out because she stresses me out or refuses to accept that I’m not confiding in her. Or demands explanations. Walking away would be because I refuse to let it stress me out. Ugh again. Feel free to place bets. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Lastly, cd 14 today, no big O yet and no + opk. Come on ovaries, you can do this!

 

Moving On

Warning: This may make you cry and/or sad. Do not watch this if you’re not prepared to cry.

Maybe it won’t make you cry, but my DH (I’m calling him Mr.Big from now on because that’s his nickname) and I cried like babies when we watched this. I was pregnant at the time. Watching it again now, so very not pregnant, I still cry. Maybe I’m just a crybaby now.

Below is a short about moving on. It involves yarn and child loss and new birth. I’m sorry if you watch it and it makes you cry or makes you sad. Or angry. I don’t even know why I like it so much. It’s awful and beautiful.

Moving On: A Stop-motion Music Video for ‘James’ Made with Yarn by Ainslie Henderson

Ov-yuh-leyt

So judging by my temps, that spike I had was not early ovulation. Thank goodness! Acupuncture number 3 today to encourage ovulation. Please work tiny needles.

Even if I don’t get a BFP this cycle I’d really like to know if I’m ovulating on my own. If I’m not, what is my next step? Clomid? I’m trying to avoid that. I got vitex but haven’t taken it yet. I have heard very mixed things about it. I’m not messing with it until I know for sure if I’m even ovulating anymore. What else can I do to ovulate? Punch my ovaries? That’s what I’ll feel like doing anyways.

Off topic, on that friend I discussed in my last post. She ‘apologized’ via text out of the blue but it was a “I’m sorry, but…” apology which isn’t really an apology. My dilemma now is do I tell her I’m not comfortable letting her know what I’ve been through and
A) let her know what topics are off limit to discuss with me, which will kind of give away that I am having issues related to getting pregnant/pregnancy loss
OR
B) avoid those topics when she brings them up, change the subject, and pretend it doesn’t bother me while biting my tongue?
Or something else? I’m trying to stay as relaxed and stress free as I can to get my body back on track. I can’t go and undo my acupuncture.

What not to say to a friend dealing with infertility.

Here is a great article I found today called “what not to say to a friend dealing with infertility.”

Great points. I especially like the one about if you’re pregnant, don’t complain about it or rub your growing belly in front of your friend.

Heres a question though. What to do if your friendship has been rocky, you go through a loss, then struggle with ttc again, and your former BFF wants details but you’re not ready to share? Heres my long (sorry) story:

My former BFF (best friend since 8th grade) got married the day I started bleeding after my methotrexate shot. Our friendship had been rocky for months and while I was pregnant I was asked to be a bridesmaid instead of the moh. There was a lot of useless bs drama caused by a friend of hers and her that I didn’t need too. Especially at that time.

She had no idea I was even pregnant let alone everything I went through. All she knew is I had a life saving emergency surgery and couldn’t attend her wedding due to medical issues.

She lost my trust when she was talking about me behind my back to this friend of hers who wound up being the moh. This friend of hers has hated me since high school because ‘I wasn’t popular’ etc.  She also said something about my husband trying to start a fight between me and him which was the biggest and final straw.

I sent her happy wedding wishes with an apology for not being able to attend, and she didn’t respond. She has never acknowledged it. She didn’t talk to me until she saw via Facebook that I had a surgery.

Now she wants to meet up for coffee to ‘catch up’. But I know she just wants me to tell her what happened. I don’t trust that she’ll keep our convo private. The last person I want to know what happened is her new BFF. Oh her new BFF is pregnant! So I also don’t want to hear about that. Or answer any ttc questions. Or hear her ttc stories.

So I’ve been dodging her texts. I don’t want the stress. I don’t want to meet up. I certainly don’t want to tell her what happened. What can I do? Just say I’m not ready to discuss it, and oh btw don’t mention anything about babies or pregnancy or ttc or I’ll lose my shit on you and have choice words to call your new BFF? At a loss.

How freaky, I posted this and a second later she texted me out of the blue. She doesn’t know about this blog.

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award.

I’m honored to be nominated for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award, by Jasmine at Journey in the Woods. Thank you very much for my first nomination! Jasmine’s writing through her journey is real, raw, and beautiful.

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Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award recognizes the unique voices of women bloggers around the world. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for blogging about the times that you hurt, the events in your life, and the things that make you laugh.

To accept this award, here are the rules:

Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
Put the award logo on your blog.
Answer the ten questions they have set you.
Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer. Nominate ten people.

These are my answers to Jasmine’s questions:

1. What inspired you to start a blog? Has writing helped you?
My ectopic pregnancy and realizing that there are so many losses like mine that seem so taboo to discuss. I felt alone, and I wanted to try to let others in my shoes know that they are not alone. Writing is also therapeutic for me. But as I’ve poured through other women’s stories and connected with other women (in my short time blogging) I’ve discovered that the reading and connecting is often the larger part of my therapy. The writing itself has helped tell my story in more detail than I can with those around me. It’s good to free the thoughts.

2. Do you like your job and why?
It’s the best one I’ve had yet, and the longest I’ve been doing the same thing. I’m self employed as a fitness instructor. Being my own boss is fantastic.

3. What cheerful things have you done for yourself lately?
When the sun is shining I like to go for walks/hikes. Being in nature brightens my mood. Going to acupuncture could also count here.

4. What is the your favorite quote?
“The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.”
also;
“Time is just a concept and always the first thing to fade.”

5. Who have been influential in your life?
My father, my husband, certain professors (my creative writing professor and a culinary arts instructor).

6. Name your favorite actress.
Emma Stone.

7. What is the funniest thing have you done in your life?

I feel like I’ve done a lot. I like making others laugh. But when I was a kid, I was curious where the slip on a banana peel thing in cartoons (and mario kart) came from. I wanted to know if that could happen in real life. So I put a banana peel on the sidewalk, insides down, and got a running start. I slipped. My dad and best friend were witnesses to the entire thing. We all thought it was funny. Maybe you had to be there.

8. Which book has make a difference in your life?

I can’t think of one in particular. It’s more like all the books I’ve read became a part of me.

9. Are you afraid to say “NO” to others?
I used to be. I’m getting better. After dealing with depression a year ago I learned to do what I need to for me and say “no” without feeling guilty. That’s when the process of losing a 12 year friendship began. 😦

10. Are you a right handed person or left? 🙂
I am a righty. I try to use my left hand for things like brushing my teeth or writing occasionally with disastrous results.

Here are my nominations:

Infertility, Why Me?

Path to Birth

Life can change in a week

In the Mouth of the Lion

My Perfect Breakdown

Love Marriage Infertility

Eventual Momma

Electric Mystery

Spirit Baby Come Home

Infertility U Suck

Of course there are many more worthy of nomination but I limited to 10. 🙂

Here are your questions (if you have the time):
1) What is the biggest risk you’ve ever taken?

2) If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

3) Do you have any fur babies?

4) What was the last book you read?

5) What is the biggest thing you’ve learned through blogging?

6) What did you want to be when you grew up?

7) Are you a morning person?

8) Name one positive thing you do to lift your spirits?

9) Is there a word that irks you? What is it?

10) Describe the last thing that made you laugh?