Happy Halloween

Here’s an article I found on dealing with Halloween when childless and struggling to conceive.

I’m going with the don’t even be home method. We were lucky enough to get invited to a party tonight and jumped at the offer. At our neighborhood the inner city kids get bussed in to trick or treat because it’s too dangerous in their neighborhood. But we had 18 year olds and moms not dressed up with their infants who were out as well. We went through 5 bags of candy and our personal stash in an hour and a half last year.

Whatever your plans are I hope you have a great day and night!

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There’s a secret to being fertile?

This week I was able to do something rare, something I never get to do. I cancelled one of my classes to do a fertile secret yoga workshop. I did a class for myself. It was fabulous. It was a support group/yoga for fertility class/acupuncture/aromatherapy all in one. Fertile secret is an odd title. Like the fertile people know something we don’t, and they’re not telling. Rude.

We started off talking about what brought us there and what we were feeling in the moment. It was the first time I have been in a room physically with people going through similar struggles. People who understood every raw emotion. Just being there listening to them made me tear up. It was therapeutic. It made me want to do something like that every week.

We did some gentle yoga for fertility which felt great. It was mostly relaxing, except for the one couple in the room who kept whispering loudly to each other.

The acupuncturists came in and placed needles. I had the girl I usually see. I got a needle in the top of my head which was a first for me. Being in a room with others I wasn’t able to relax as I usually do. A couple of them fell asleep and snored softly. Glad I’m not the only one who does that. I felt the top of the head needle go in and it was a little uncomfortable for a few seconds. I did notice though that if my mind wandered and I got stressed at all I could feel the needles until I relaxed again. Once I relaxed, I was unaware they were in. Funny how that works.

I had a lavender oil cotton ball on my left shoulder, and a citrus one on my right. They smelled heavenly. I have got to find out what those oils were exactly.

I also recently received a yoga for fertility DVD from Dawn at Our Greatest Desire. Thank you so much! The live yoga for fertility classes in my area are booked and the times don’t work well with my schedule. These DVDs will help. I love that it’s a different section for each stage of the cycle! I was able to get one follicular in before moving on to my most important one, ovulatory.

Well, let’s hope it’s actually ovulatory for me this cycle. I know it’s early (like day 11) and very unlikely I’ll ovulate before cd 14, but not seeing that smiley face on my opk every day adds stress and sadness and kills my hope a little. Even though I know better. If I didn’t have to chart and opk (I’m not being monitored or anything) I totally would skip it. This is where the yoga will come in handy.

If you’ve been here, how did you deal? How did you keep the “what if the meds don’t produce ovulation” thoughts at bay? Because my realist mind has that nagging in it.

I just accepted this week that I no longer am fertile with a loss. I am dealing with infertility issues. After the ectopic I clung to the thought that I must be fertile at least because it was so easy to get pregnant with the ectopic. Mr. Big’s swimmers must be great. The only thing wrong with me was my tube which is gone now. HA! Acceptance, by the way, is overrated.

Waiting for O day

Waiting to ovulate. Story of my life these days huh?

I have femara in my possession and am on day 3 of taking it. I’ve never been so excited to take a drug made for cancer patients.  Here’s to ovulating! Let’s hope. To the big O, and beyond.

I’d like to do acupuncture as well this cycle but I just don’t have the extra money.  So it’s all up to femara.  My doc said I can try femara for 3 cycles and then I’ll officially be sent to a RE and probably for injectables. But, that’s not my plan.  Come new year, if I’m not pregnant then I’m starting vitex and maca root etc. Assuming I do actually ovulate on femara. Either way I’ll probably see the RE.

Round 1

The other night I attended a networking event for local female entrepreneurs.  It was the first time I had to have a conversation about my loss with a stranger.  This woman was in skin care, and asked about my skin issues. I told her I have acne that won’t go away due to my hormones being messed up from being pregnant.  Am I nursing? No I’m not.  So I have a little one at home huh? No. I don’t. The pregnancy ended badly. Cue the deafening sound of the conversation coming to an awkward screeching halt. So it ended badly is all I could say about it. Next time I’ll do better. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for her. Because my shitty life made her uncomfortable. I’m shaking my head.

Round 2

Last night I went to a halloween party with a bunch of people I’ve never met, and who know nothing about my ectopic and infertility struggles. I’m an introvert. It’s an effort to open up in situations like that. But there was a seemingly cool young woman there so I struck up a conversation. Trying to make friends and mingle. Trying to have some semblance of normalcy. I even drank some hard cider!

Within minutes I realized that approaching this 26 year old woman was a mistake. I had found fertile fucking myrtle of all people! 26, engaged for years but not married, 3 unplanned kids. Smoked cigarettes and pot the entire time she was pregnant and her kids turned out fine so far. (Never would have pegged her for that type by looking at her.)

She asked if we had kids, and all I said was not yet but we were trying. How old are we? 30. Oh well it’s good that you waited that long! It’s a good thing to be out of your 20’s before having a kid. Bit my tongue a lot there. I’m not exactly waiting by choice you bimbo! Yes I have a baby but he didn’t survive you insensitive ass! If he had survived I’d still be pregnant and not smoking anything because I’d actually care about my baby you twit!

Then all night long I had her camera and phone shoved in my face with pictures of all her kids and their many poses. Forcing a fake smile and nod through it all. God forbid I make someone else feel uncomfortable this week. This is what I get for trying to come out of my shell. This is what I get for thinking I can ever be normal. This is what happens when I try to make a friend or mingle.

I eventually just shut up and tried to pretend I was really engrossed in the game of beer pong being played in front of me. So then she had to ask if I was fighting with Mr. Big. Nope. Was it her? Had she upset me? Grit my teeth. Nope. Had she said something? Grit harder. Nope. Just leave me alone, I silently wished.

Mr. Big was standing on the other side of the room watching me. He said he watched the progression on my face. It went from ok, to annoyed, to pissed, to oh shit this dumb broad is going to get kicked. So he came over and without saying even 1 complete sentence to eachother he knew exactly what was wrong. Of course he thinks of her and the situation the same way I do. Luckily she left us alone for the rest of the night. Guess I just can’t fake it like I used to. Frankly my dear I just don’t give a damn. Screw the fertile’s comfort.

I had thought at one brief point that I’d take her aside and explain why I was upset. But then I thought, nah.

I tapped out after that. No more, you win. Let me go lick my wounds in a quiet, smoke-free corner.

Today I feel like crap. Tired because we didn’t go to bed until 3am which is way past any bed time of mine in like a year. Headaches all day which I’m guessing is the femara side effects starting. Feeling sick because all I can smell are cigarettes. I got way too much second hand smoke last night. It’s not in my hair or on my clothes. It’s in my lungs. How freaking gross. Never going to be in that situation again. Keeping my distance from now on. Screw mingling. Nausea is how I’m ending my night. Also a femara side effect I think. (Maybe?) Or a mixture of that and the smoke sickness.

Halloween we have another party to attend. With hopefully more people that we actually know. Hopefully with less smoking or more of an option to escape too. Maybe, I’ll even ovulate. 🙂

Retreat, Explore, Gratitude, Breathe

I’m a little behind. I just don’t have photos for some of these. Plus, several could be used for the same days. So pardon the similar pictures, but there’s a trend in my life of exploring the outdoors on nice days which brings me peace.

Day 16 Retreat
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My forest of solitude. Walking here just about always helps ease my mind. It is my small retreat from the world.

Day 17 Explore
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Where am I in my grief? I’m a little better I think. Less depressed most days. Hopeful for the future most days. Still always insanely jealous of others who seemingly easily get and stay pregnant without the struggles so many of us face. Still angry as hell that I had to suffer, and am still suffering. If life was a person I’d kick it right in the balls. I really don’t think grief ever ends. Not this kind. I feel like grief visits sometimes briefly, sometimes for an extended stay. But it’s always just around the corner.

Day 18 Gratitude
(Insert pretty photo here)

I am thankful for my husband. He has been the most amazing person through everything. Without him by my side, and carrying me occasionally, I’d be lost. ❤

For my friends, one in particular who really understands my struggles. She is empathetic. I’m more grateful for her than she knows I think. When others were too busy being fake, she was real.

For my family. My mom and my in laws really stepped up and helped me out in every way. I’d be in such a bad place right now if it weren’t for them.

For this community. All of you bloggers. Your kind words through my story helped me and brought smiles when needed most. Reading your stories let me know I wasn’t alone. You still let me know I’m not crazy for thinking the things I do and for feeling the way I do.
So many of you write on a topic that I’ve been thinking of for days and it’s like you’re writing my thoughts and feelings. Like blogging esp. Thank you.

Day 20 Breathe
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Taking the time to breathe and notice the simple beauty around me. Something I’ve been unable to do all summer. But now in fall it’s gotten easier. Most days. Even the yuck gray days I’m finding happiness and beauty or nostalgia in. I only have this one life. I’ve always been the stop and smell the roses type. So, be that person again. Why waste any more days being miserable? If I can help it…

My Friday Ritual

Another Friday spent next to my phone waiting for it to ring. Like a school girl waiting for her crush to call and ask her out. But my crush is my doctor. My date would be rite aid to get femara (hopefully).

A question I have for all of you who chart bbt, how much higher should my bbt go when taking provera (progesterone)? When I was pregnant my temp (taken orally) was well over 98.
I don’t know what my temp would be post ovulation as I haven’t been able to chart an ovulation cycle yet. This cycle (vaginal temp) it’s almost 98 the past few days (on provera) and my coverline I think would be around 97.7 so not much of a rise. image
Last cycle (oral temp) my temp barely rose during provera.
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Progesterone raises your temp. So taking it for 5 days should raise it similar to an ovulation rise right? Or maybe it’s too low of a dose?

Yes I’m over analyzing because it’s all I can do. Because if I have any other cycle issues aside from not ovulating I’d like to know. So I can try to control my body and my situation which I can’t actually control. But the illusion of control is comforting. The illusion of being able to do something to help.

On another note:
My ex friend F unfriended me on Facebook which we all know in this era means a friendship is officially over. I thought I may have accidentally done it when my app was acting up so I texted her to ask and her classy lack of response confirms what I suspected. No warning. No reason. I haven’t even talked to her or about her since our coffee weeks ago.

I already grieved this loss. The girl I had been best friends with for over a decade has been gone for a long time. I do not want this new her in my life. So it’s no more a loss now that it’s ‘facebook official’. It doesn’t warrant anything more than a shrug from me.

I wasn’t going to do the passive aggressive thing that she did because I’m an adult and in the future when her 2 faced BFF and sister in laws stab her in the back again I still would have been there for her. (The same people she talks so much shit about behind their backs btw).

The people you spend your time with rub off on you. Especially her. When she separates herself from these people after they stab her in the back again, she will go back to the person I used to know. But I won’t be there.

Or maybe she’s always been this awful 2 faced girl and now the veil has been lifted and I see her for what she really is.

Regardless, closure is good. Still a little sad but relieving. It’s like a dark cloud has lifted.

I know what stress can do to the body. She put me through a ton of stress when I got pregnant. Part of me kind of wonders if maybe that didn’t have an effect on my tube function or lack there of. Not that it matters now. At least it won’t matter in the future. Less stress. Less drama. Better baby making/baking environment for me!

One of the last things I saw F post was baby shower pics from her new BFF. She referred to her new BFF as amazing. (Yes the same one she trash talked about to me so much is now ‘amazing’). Yes I know especially by now that pregnancy that ends in a live baby is wonderful. But getting and staying knocked up successfully on your first try is not ‘amazing’. (I talked to her before about ttc so I know it was her first try). She is the 3 out of 4. The majority.

You know who is actually amazing? Us. The infertiles who keep on going. The 1 out of 4. The 1 out of 50. Those of us who have gone through a loss or ten and still live on. A lot of us with hope none the less. We are amazing. We are extraordinary. We are stronger. We are deserving of our happy endings. Those of us who have gone through these struggles and come out on the other side with a rainbow or two are amazing. Those pregnancies and births are truly amazing.

Maybe upon seeing that on October 15th of all days just made me bitter. So maybe I’m a bitter bitch. (Sue me) But seriously. I can’t be the only one who would react like this.

Facebook is not for us. We should create an infertile facebook. Barrenbook.

So, that’s that. And I’m perfectly happy with it. My life feels less negative and less stressed already. It’s done, my rant is done, and time to move forward. Moving forward with several other friends (1 in particular) who have been so great through my horrid year. Friends who understand. Friends who are going through a lot in their lives physically and emotionally but are still by my side.

Although, since it’s about 7pm it’s safe to say my doc stood me up. 😦 I need to start the drugs on day 3 of my cycle so if she gets a hold of me mon (and gets the script in) we should be ok. That’s a big if though. Who knows if she’s even in the office mon…

‘What If’ Land

Today I live in ‘what if’ land.

What if the femara or Clomid doesn’t work?

What if it does but since I’m functioning on one tube I don’t get pregnant?

I’m giving it two tries with femara or Clomid then I’m going herbal. Vitex, maybe maca root, going gluten free, focusing on trying to lose 20lbs.

What if all that doesn’t work and I’m still not ovulating?

I dont know.

What if I start ovulating naturally but no BFP?

I don’t know.

I do know that if it ever comes down to the only option is IVF then we give up. We just don’t have the money to spend on something that so often doesn’t work. I don’t even know if adoption will be an option for us. I’ll never actively prevent again though.

I’ll probably put every extra penny away towards dream vacations and become uber focused on my career and perfecting my body so I can be confident in a bikini on some tropical island. We will get another dog and I’ll try to find something that I can do to make myself happy. To fill the void. Become a travel blogger. Write a novel. Open a cat shelter. Pet a tiger. But would it be enough? What if it isn’t?

But what if I do get pregnant?
What if it’s another loss?
What if it’s not?

Most of these I don’t know the answer to. Obviously I like to have a plan in my life. I like to know what to expect. I know that I just need to sit back and let time pass, let things happen. It’s very hard for me to do. When I want something, I want to do anything I can to get it.

That’s it I guess. Just a smattering of what if’s, and fewer answers.

Day 13: Season

Capture Your Grief
Day 13: Season
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Spring is the season I got pregnant in. Spring is when I had to have the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy. Summer is when my tube burst and it ended officially.
So spring is the season I associate with my baby and being pregnant. It is supposed to be a season of new beginnings. I haven’t gone through a spring since the ectopic so only time will tell how I deal with it.