Lessons Learned in 2014

I love all of this!

F*%k infertility

In reflecting on the past year, infertility was the constant. It was a year filled with loss, grief, fear, stress, financial woes and – more recently – renewed hope. It’s a year where I learned a lot about myself, my marriage, my friendships, and the infertility journey.

Here are a few lessons I learned that I wanted to share should they be useful to anyone out there in blog land:

LESSON #1: Be an advocate for your own health.

  • Generally, we assume that our health care professionals have our best interests at heart and work tirelessly to help us…and for the most part, that’s been true for me. However, there were several times this year where I spoke up to my RE, to the nurse, and even to my new perinatologist and was an advocate for me and my own health. All of the times, it was to my benefit…

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Go home 2014, you’re drunk.

2014 was a C U Next Tuesday!

Last year, Mr. Big and I started a memory jar to be read on New Year’s Eve. Throughout the year we would write things that happened that we wanted to remember or notes to eachother etc. and on New Year’s Eve we read through them. It was really nice. Last year.

This year, recently, he mentioned he has been doing it. Oops. I haven’t. We have random movie stubs and a color run bib in there, but I don’t think I wrote anything personally. I have a few things I could and probably will write. But not much. Part of me thought we just weren’t doing it this year because we never really talked about it. Most of me hated this year and is just trying to forget and put it behind me. Now we are in the final few hours of 2014, and I better get writing.

As much as I don’t want to remember the ectopic, I do remember the baby we created. I do remember Mr. Big taking care of me. Skipping his birthday pretty much because the gift I got him was an ectopic pregnancy and a surgery for me. Mr. Big has had moments where he has been protective of me.

To be honest, I love the strong, protector side. It’s kind of a turn on too. Guys, stand up for your girl. I digress.

So I jotted down a few of the moments I did like and would like to remember. Like our trip to Cali, which was the one time I could enjoy being pregnant. When I still had some hope.

I’ve done a bit recently to rid negative people and feelings from my life. I’ve started yoga more regularly. I’ve meditated some. I have plans for how to better my body and mind in the future. Today is cd 5 and I’ve started my higher dose of Letrozole. Last Femara cycle, wish me luck!

I feel good about 2015. I feel ready to move on from 2014. I’ve dealt with my issues and am moving forward. Obviously not forgetting. I think of our sweat pea every day and always will. But I’m pulling myself out of the pit of despair. I’m ready to be a better wife. A better person. A healthier and more importantly happier person. Try anyways. A few cycles of crap is all it takes to pull you back down, I know. But I’m better prepared to deal now I think. We will see.

In one month I would have had a beautiful baby. I’ve been thinking about that looming date a lot. Hopefully I can hold onto this peaceful feeling through that time. I think that will be my first challenge.

To all of you in my shoes or similar, and to those who are pregnant, I hope 2015 is a better year for all of us. Sending you all love and warm wishes!

I shared this on twitter and had to share here too. 🙂



Positive until I’m not

Maybe it’s the progesterone beating down the high estrogen, but this morning I woke up and decided to be happy. To be positive and hopeful. To not worry about what could happen, even if the odds aren’t in my favor. To not stress over how I am going to pay for a RE and a fertility clinic. To not worry about IUI and IVF costs because there’s always a payment plan. I can handle at least 1 of each. Who cares if I’m paying it off long after my car is paid off. Maybe I won’t even have a baby to show for it. But maybe I will…

So I’m going to be happy. I’m going to be positive. I am hopeful. Happy, positive, and hopeful until I’m not. Until I’m 100% certain I can’t be.

It’s not going to be easy, especially with these damn hormones running my life. But I’m going to try my best to hang onto this. I need to start this new year on a new, positive note. I’m starting fresh in many ways.

Thank you Mr. Big for saying “we will worry about it when/if we get to that point.” My voice of sanity amidst the estrogen.

What about the unlucky ones?

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time finding blogs etc from those women who never get what their soul yearns for.

Where are the women who can’t afford IVF and are forced to quit? If you can’t afford IVF, you can’t afford adoption.

Where are the forced to be childless?
Where are the nothing worked?

How did you survive? How did you get through? How did your marriage stay strong? How did you fill the void?

I keep seeing the miracle stories. The ones where the only IVF cycle they could afford worked. Or the last effort before they had to give up worked. Or they gave up and fell pregnant immediately. Or they had a child already. It’s maddening. Because I know the other side of that coin is out there. I want to find you. I want to hear your story.

If you know any blogs of the forced to be childless (completely childless) please share a link. 🙂 Thank you.

Officially out of luck

If this next cycle doesn’t work, I’m out of luck. My only option is to go herbal and do things on my own. I can’t even get testing done. I can’t afford any of it. My insurance has a $5,000 deductable. So I need to cover everything out of pocket until I have paid $5k. I just can’t do it. In little bits maybe but just a consult is $300. That’s still way too much.

I’m still paying off bills from my ectopic last summer! Almost paid off.

What I wouldn’t give to be one of the couples who can afford IUI (which I still don’t get the point of) and IVF. If I win the lotto I can have a baby, maybe. I could have a chance. At the very least I’d like to be able to afford proper testing to tell me what’s wrong with me and/or Mr. Big.

I can’t afford to make a baby, how could I expect to be able to afford actually having one?

Millions of people who can’t afford babies pop them out left and right. They unzip their pants and boom! Fucking pregnant. People who have no jobs and rely on welfare from those of us who work for a living- paycheck to paycheck. People who already have 2 other ‘accidental’ kids. I make enough to survive. But apparently I make too much to be able to have a baby. Yet not nearly enough to have one either.

I’m just shit out of luck. If I can’t do this on my own…I don’t even want to think about it. It hurts too much to think about ‘what if I can’t do this on my own?’

F it, I’m having a latte!

I’m an avid tea drinker. Used to be anyways. Earl grey and green and anything in between.

After my ectopic pregnancy I read that black and green tea have something in them that can cause the cilia in the Fallopian tubes to stop functioning. Resulting in an ectopic. Granted you need to drink a TON in order for that to happen. More than most people do. Like tea all day every day instead of anything else. Gallons. So no where near what I was drinking. But I stopped black and green tea once we started ttc again.

Caffeine is also supposed to be bad for fertility. Even in tea amounts.

Certain herbs and flowers (like the daisy family) in tea can also impact fertility. In regards to Fallopian tube function, ovulation, creating a hostile environment for sperm etc.

I found that every tea I had and had been consuming, with the exception of peppermint tea which I don’t like, had something in it I shouldn’t have. Or had too much caffeine. So I stopped. Cold turkey. I’m a grumpy sonofabitch in the cold winter morning without it. I haven’t found a replacement yet. I just need something warm that tastes good. Not warm milk because that will put me back to sleep. Not hot chocolate as much as I would love it. If you have suggestions please let me know.

After realizing that I wasn’t ovulating anyways, I kind of said F it. During my period, I have red raspberry tea. Before my supposed ovulation or lack there of I have earl grey or green. When it gets close to when one should ovulate, I quit again. I never have coffee or lattes.

But right now I feel kind of hopeless. I feel like, if it’s going to happen then it’ll happen. Regardless of what I do or don’t do.

So F it. I’m having a sugar cookie latte.

16 things not to say to people who are going through fertility treatment

This should be taught in health class, or sex ed, too.

Making Baby Brown

Take this post how you will but I write this to inform opposed to venting… Well maybe a little venting but MOSTLY to educate those who may not understand the effects their usually well intentioned words may have on those trying hard to conceive.Some choose to keep their journey a secret and others share their journey with selected friends and families for support, but either way you do need to be mindful of what you say to childless women as you never know what they might be going through. I’ve been on the other side. I have been that friend who had no idea about infertility and have asked people if they were going to have a baby. I didn’t know any better. Now I do and I would love to share my knowledge from my personal experiences. Don’t be offended if you have said some of these to me (chances are you have…

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The Fertile’s Guide to the Infertile’s World

I had to re blog this.

Living & Loving Life

Let me start off by saying this is the majority NOT all and NOT me. I’m trying to explain how MOST woman feel about it from what I’ve seen. I am not like MOST women MOST of the time. That being said, let’s get started…

So since this is primarily (I think…no, I don’t know) a parenting mommy blog, I figured I’d take a moment to kinda go over the basics of the infertility journey and kind of a guide to understanding some things I will post about and so on…

Let me first start off this post with some short statements about the majority of couples dealing with infertility:

  1. the chance to get pregnant per cycle is 1 in 5 for healthy couples ages 18-30ish
  2. most couples live a good distance from a RE (reproductive endocrinologist)
  3. most couple do NOT have infertility coverage on their insurance
  4. only 15 states…

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