It’s over.

My temp dropped this morning. Meaning the red witch will make her grand entrance today.

This was a cycle of hope and positivity. This was my last cycle with my ob. My last medicated cycle. This cycle had to work, or else.

Welcome to or else.

This was the best cycle I’ve had since the first one which I got pregnant with the ectopic in. (9 months ago) A good strong ovulation on cd 13, a beautiful temp rise and great temps the whole time, and a 14 day luteal phase!

Those who say your luteal phase length can’t change are wrong! Now it doesn’t mean my luteal phase will be 14 days always (especially now) but I know it’s possible with the right dose of femara.

What’s next?
I have to pick a RE. One I don’t want to go to and they have a very long wait time to get in. But, they will most likely let me do medicated cycles with femara with monitoring. Which is all I can afford to do. Barely.

The other doesn’t let me do that. But if I ever can do IUI or IVF that’s the place I’d go to.

So I pay $300 for a consult at place A, wait months for said consult, and hope my one tube and the right drugs can do the trick. Or I’d then (after 6 months) have to pay another $300 for a consult at B to start IUI. Because I can’t afford IVF ever. IVF would be my best option though. With one tube and ectopic risk and all.

This blows.

While I’m waiting I’m going herbal. I’m going to try everything short of black market femara to make my body ovulate. I’m still on the fence about vitex though. I wish I could just get femara over the counter. This would be so much easier.

I’m not mad at my body anymore. I’m mad at the universe. I’m mad at all the fertiles. I’m mad at the celebs who can afford 16 IUI and 20 IVF and finally get a baby from it. Only then do they talk about their infertility. At least they can freaking afford all that. At least they got a baby.

Anyways. Onward through the fog. Wish me luck. I feel like I’ll need it.

The things I don’t say…

Facebook is the devil. Seriously.

I was at a small party last night and a broad who I already hate was of course there too. (Btw, girls I dislike I call broads. I’m from New York. It’s what I do.) Like always. She’s best friends with Mr. Big’s best friend’s girlfriend. In other words, I have to see her a lot. She made out with a married man at a party, and smirked about it for the rest of the night. Not Mr. Big. But a friend of ours. This is the biggest reason I hate her, but she’s always rubbed me the wrong way.

Anyways. She was there.

She started some story about someone she knew who had 5 miscarriages and got pregnant and announced on Facebook while it was very early on. Then miscarried, and had to sadly announce it as well. It was this broad’s opinion that it should be kept off of Facebook until they were sure the baby would survive. Let me first say she’s entitled to her opinion. We all are.

I simply rolled my eyes and looked away, tight lipped. What did I want to say?

Good for her! Just so you know, after 5 damn miscarriages this woman knows a hell of a lot more than you how short her baby’s life may or may not be. Believe me she’s all too aware that any moment the blood and pain can come. Her happiness can end. Knowing that, fearing that, she’s brave enough to hold onto the hope that it’ll be different.

Maybe her fear is so consuming that this remaining positive act is just an act to keep her mind off of the fear. Maybe she’s actually celebrating! I sure as hell would celebrate. I would savor every moment of every future pregnancy I have. If I get that lucky.

Should she censor herself to make you feel better? Because her loss makes YOU uncomfortable? Hell no. Newsflash, it’s her damn Facebook page. Her space. She can put whatever the hell she wants on it. If you don’t like something, hide it. Unfollow her. Deal with it!

Now if/when I get pregnant I will not be announcing on Facebook. At all. I will not be posting bump pics every damn day. Nothing. That’s my personal choice. There are a lot of reasons behind it. Those who I’m friends with do that and I unfollow them. Simple. Easy. But if people want to celebrate on facebook that’s their prerogative. Don’t let someone tell you that you should/shouldn’t. Do what you need to for you.

“To yourself be true.”

This goes for the rest of the internet and blogosphere too. People’s blogs and sites are their own. They can post whatever the hell they want. However they feel. Even if it offends you or your mom. If you can’t handle being offended, even in a space or forum that’s supposed to be supportive, then you shouldn’t be online. There’s always that one person who ruins it for everyone else.

Now I’m not saying it’s right to offend people, even accidentally. It’s not right to be a troll. But those of us who know better, who are better, can rise above. You don’t need to start or continue a fight.

You don’t need to attend every battle you’re invited to.

If someone personally calls you out, you can delete comments or posts. You can block and unfollow and hide things. You don’t even need to explain why. Unless you’re consistently being harassed and stalked, it’s easy to rise above and get over it.

No one is forcing you to comment or post or like. You’re not a puppet.

So many girls, or broads as I call them, seem to need drama in their lives. All. The. Time. I wish we could lock them in their own universe. It’s so much happier and more peaceful and calm without the bull shit. Don’t we all have enough to deal with?

We all have something that digs at us.

These are the words I don’t speak. The things I’m hesitant to even post. Of course I have thoughts, opinions and judgements. I’m human. But I don’t need to add stress into my life.

I don’t need to tell the broad at the party that she’s an ignorant gossiping whore.
Even if it’s true.

How much do you not say?

Dear Guy at the Diner,

Beautifully written.

A Calm Persistence

T and I always go out to breakfast at least once a week, sometimes more depending on his schedule. This is the time I get to spend with T before he has a long day of work ahead of him. He’s adamant about me not working because he likes to come home to a happy wife, so he often works long hours after teaching, restoring cars. We find the time to spend together anywhere we can.

T usually gives me a hard time about speed cleaning right before he comes home or leaving crossed off list on the counter so he can see everything I accomplished that day, or the corky things I do.. but it’s because he could really care less if the house is clean, his laundry is finished, or even if I don’t cook dinner. He is genuinely happy just to see me smile, but I guess when…

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I am one in eight.

Beautiful. True.

lonelyuterus

I was in a delicate place yesterday, and today. And will probably be tomorrow too.
Today is cycle day 15, still waiting for my positive on my ovulation test. Deep down, I don’t think I’ll get it, I think I already know I will not ovulate on letrozole. When I was on clomid, I would already be experiencing ovary pain and they would be swollen by now. I don’t have anything going on down there now…So I don’t think my positive LH surge is coming (which happens before ovulation). So. This month is going to be another disappointment.

6 more people know about my infertility now, 3 of my husband’s friends and their wives. Pretty soon everyone who knows us will know about it. I’m really sruggling with going public. It would be so easy with Facebook. Why shouldn’t i? But then again, why should i? Do I really want…

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French Onion Soup – 7pp

Re blogging so I don’t forget. Going to try this this weekend. Maybe sooner. I love the do it or don’t, idgaf attitude!

Damn girl, that's a lot of fattitude

FRENCH ONION SOUP – 7pp

I’ve had quite a few people ask me about French Onion Soup. Is it hard to make? How do you make it? Can I have some? Etc.

French Onion Soup is probably one of the easiest soups to make in my opinion. It’s incredibly flexible. Don’t like beer? Use wine. Don’t like wine or beer? Fine, don’t use it. All the booze cooks out anyhow. Don’t have provolone? Fine, use a different mild white cheese (gruyere, swiss, etc.) Counting carbs? Skip the bread.  This is the way I like it, and the way my daddy always made it – except mine is Reduced Fat.   Here we go:

Thangs You Need:

3 large Vidalia (sweet) onions, sliced 1/8th thick

32oz beef stock

1 can beer 

Salt

2tbsp butter (or light butter, or EVOO, or skip it, idgaf) – I use Land O’ Lakes Whipped Butter 

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Salty Surprise

If you have played cards against humanity you may have seen the awesome salty surprise card. If you haven’t played, go do it.

Upstate NY is a salty surprise today. After all the crap weather has cleared up and streets are clear again, there’s salt everywhere. I could wash my poor car twice a day (but it’s too cold to do so) and it wouldn’t matter. There’s clouds of salt on the road instead of snow. Salt in my house. Salt in my car. Salt on my dog (the pet safe kind). This has nothing to do with ectopics or infertility, I just felt like sharing.

Where am I on my quest to make a baby? Well thanks to the higher dose of Femara I ovulated. On cd 13!!! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning I’m so excited! Starting 2015 out right!

I’m not sure about our timing of baby dancing as I wasn’t expecting to ovulate in a timely manner. But we bd 4 days before ovulation, day of ovulation, and day after ovulation. I ovulated the same day or night of my +opk. I’m not sure which side I ovulated from either. Last time I really felt it. This time I’ve had some discomfort on my left side (the tubeless side) but that’s really it. No obvious popping.

I’ve made it a goal (not a resolution) to do yoga for fertility every day in 2015. Bare minimum is legs up wall pose for 5 mins. I’m doing good so far. Mr. Big even does legs up wall before bed with me! So far of 3 (medicated) cycles, the one cycle I didn’t do yoga in I didn’t ovulate in.

I’ve been more positive too. I notice the times my thoughts turn negative or pessimistic (or realistic) and I turn them into positive ones. The yoga has helped me breathe and meditate. I’ve had a visualization of a baby/embryo in a womb come up out of nowhere. So I’m trying to hold onto that.

I’m just trying. If this cycle doesn’t work I’ve decided to go onto herbs. The ones that worked for me before. Or seemed to work before. But also get a consult with a RE at a fertility center. This doctor is one of the top in the world or so I’m told. Who knows how long it’ll take to get in. A couple of months I think.

I’m undecided on taking vitex. I’m going to do tribulus, maca, Damiana. I have vitex I just don’t know if I should start it. There’s so many mixed feelings about it out there. If you have experience with vitex please let me know your thoughts.

Let’s just hope I don’t even need to decide. 🙂 Let the two week wait begin. Hopefully it’s actually a 2 week wait and not a 9 day wait like last ovulation cycle.

Anyone else in the 2ww? May the odds be ever in our favor!

Financial Infertility

I found this article on resolve’s website. From a woman who can’t afford all the testing and RE appointments let alone IVF or adoption.

It’s how I feel, and a story we hardly hear. Aside from winning the lotto there’s little help out there. Especially when you’re too ‘wealthy’ for grants etc, and too poor for all the tests and doctors and treatments.

Resolve’s website does have some lists of ways to save and places you can apply for help. But not all of us can get help. Sure there’s also crowd funding but how much do people really raise that way? Especially if you want to stay anonymous.

I don’t have the answers, I just want to let others in this situation know they are not alone. Unfortunately.

Post ectopic physical torture

A fit blogger I follow recently had an ectopic pregnancy. There are so many similarities between her story and mine. She recently wrote this post about her physical state after the ectopic surgery which removed her left tube. I experienced what she did, except the very end about being comforted by her child. Because, I’m not lucky enough to have any living children.

Thought I’d share for any who may read this who are wondering what to expect when you’re expecting the worst, aka ectopic pregnancy surgery.

She hit the nail on the head about looking 5 months pregnant as an awful reminder of what was lost. It’s a cruel joke by Mother Nature.

I think everyone I’ve read about who has had a tube rupture or ectopic surgery says it’s worse than labor and delivery. I wouldn’t know, but I know it fucking hurt like a bitch. The worst pain I’ve ever felt. 20 on the 1-10 pain scale.

I like to think that if you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.

Side note, I know I have an award nomination I need to address. I will soon. 🙂