I woke up at 5am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Partly because it felt like Christmas morning. Partly because my butt hurt so bad and was spasming thanks to the PIO shot. 😖

When it was time, I put on my lucky kitty socks from My Perfect Breakdown and grabbed the very positive book she sent me. 

I’m ready.

I got accupuncture just before the transfer. As well as a Valium to relax the muscles so there was no spasming or contracting. If you have the option and are not driving yourself, take the Valium! 

The RE came in and showed us or embryos. We wound up with 1 graded 4AB and 1 graded 3 AA. Given our circumstance he/we decided to put one in and freeze the other. The 3AA is frozen (I just hope it thaws when we need it). The 4AB is hopefully making a home in my uterus. Which was “standing upright” for the procedure. I’ve never heard that before. Thanks swollen ovaries. So naturally it took him 4 tries to get the practice catheter in place. The loaded catheter went in fine. There was discomfort. There was pressure. There was pinching. But no part of this process is comfortable, is it? It was quick though. I layed down for a little after that and went home, where I got more acupuncture. 

Acupuncture really helped. It warmed me up and seriously relaxed me. I’m going back for “implantation acupuncture” Saturday. 

I’m taking it easy today. But not on bed rest. Apparently the uterus likes you to sit up, not lay down, and have light movement. According to Mr. Big’s research anyways. 

My blood pregnancy test is Friday May 8th. I have no idea how long it takes to get those results. Wishing for a sticky, healthy embaby. 

Mr. Big has really stepped up. I’m on progesterone now which my body loves. So I’m not such an emotional wreck. I’m sure that helps us both. But I think it’s finally ‘real’ for him. He got to see the embaby on the ultrasound in my upright uterus. He’s looking up all sorts of info on what to do in the TWW and how to take care of me. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. 

Sidenote, I never had to really think about all the things you need to do and not do when pregnant. I didn’t think I would be. And I’m not yet. PUPO is a bit different. But I need to eat and act pregnant. The nurse said to avoid salmon because of the mercury. I thought salmon was one of the better ones?  If you have credible sources I can look up of what to do and what not to do, could you post a link? It’s very odd to act pregnant with an embaby on board. And I want to take care of it! What do you do in the IVF TWW? 


Day 4

Today is day 4 after fertilization in the Petri dish. We have 2 good looking embryos in the morula stage. They want us to do the transfer tomorrow on day 5. 

25 to 2. Unbelievable. 

Let’s hope they both grow today so I can bring them home tomorrow together. 

Once I have them back inside me I think I’ll allow myself to hope. 

Bad news

We had 18 fertilized eggs on Saturday. Today, we have 2 embryos and maybe a 3rd that they’re watching. 

I’m so mad. And of course crying my eyes out. 

They called to give me the option to transfer early day 4 or wait to see if any make it to day 5. 

I opted so far to have them call me tomorrow morning day 4 and update me about them and then I’ll decide. 

What would you do? If you’ve been through this what did you do?

I’m devestated because getting 25 eggs in the first place had my stupid hopes up for lots of embryos and some to freeze. Now this. There’s a very real chance that none will survive to day 5. I have no more words. 


We retrieved 25 eggs yesterday. 

They were able to inject 20 via ICSI. 

18 fertilized successfully and 2 others might just be late bloomers so they’re watching them. 

They also want me to take low dose aspirin “to help with implantation”. But I bleed every time anything goes up my cervix. The HSG test looked like a crime scene! So I told them and they said I could opt out. I’m just wondering what your thoughts are on aspirin if you’ve gone through IVF (hopefully successfully). TIA! 


Egg collection or retrieval or whatever you want to call it happened 24 hours ago. 

We got 25 eggs. I’m waiting on a call this morning to tell me how many fertilized and when our transfer will be. 

The embryologist talked me into ICSI which I was very against going into it. But now I know that they select only sperm that “aren’t chasing their tails” and have good motility and morphology. They also can look at the eggs and their maturity with ICSI versus regular fertilization. ICSI has a slightly higher rate of fertilization as well. 

I’ve got to tell you, I’ve felt like increasing crap every single day since this IVF cycle started. I’ve been a bloated hormonal mess who may or may not have fantasized briefly about torturing or maming Mr. Big. I saw someone write about sitting down and feeling as though she’s sitting on her ovaries, and I get it now. I felt like I was sitting on them and walking on them. My point is, I don’t want to go through stims again. (The growing of the eggs, stimulating the ovaries). So I need max fertilization odds. 

However, I’m not sure if my insurance covers ICSI. They cover the rest of IVF. In the moment I totally forgot about $. If they don’t cover it, I’m screwed. And it’s kind of too late now. ICSI is $$$$. On top of the several thousand I already spent on meds. If I need to cover the ICSI portion, idk what I’ll do. But I’m trying not to worry about that now. 

Even though I don’t know when the transfer will be yet, I do know when my beta (or blood hcg or blood pregnancy test) is. Friday May 8.  2 weeks from my retrieval. And yes, I’ll be peeing on a stick before that appointment. I’m weak. And impatient. 

Another note on retrieval…the aftermath is freaking painful! I’m on Tylenol and using a heating pad and it still really hurts. Better 24 hours later after a good sleep but not where I can do my job (fitness instructor) or do much of anything. Going to the bathroom is surprisingly painful too. Tmi. But it feels like I’m going to pee my ovaries right out! That’s also getting better (I think?).

Now I have a whole bunch of meds I have to shove up my who ha and progesterone in oil to shoot up. I’ve heard nightmares about PIO. I have no idea how to use it either. Going to call the clinic to get details. I’m sure I’ll update when I hear how the fertilization is going. Fingers crossed. I guess fingers are just crossed for the next 2 weeks. And beyond. 
Also, if you nominated me for a blog award could you please comment? I know I have several out there I need to address, but it’s not showing up in my notifications. Thanks! 

IVF 1 update 

My ovaries are huge and full of eggs. Over 20 on the right and just less on the left. I’m under instruction to move as little as possible. No long walks. No exercise. No ‘jiggling the ovaries’. The nurses were kind of amazed at my ovaries and eggs. This clinic does 100’s of ivfs a year, with lots of pcos patients. So that’s saying something. 

Mr. Big can’t possibly do a retrieval Thursday, which is exactly when it should be done. 😡

So my clinic lowered my gonal dose for the next 2 days and will trigger me Wednesday for retrieval Friday. Hopefully they won’t be ‘over ripe’ by then. Hopefully I won’t just ovulate on my own by then. I’m on an injection to try to prohibit me from ovulating on my own. 

I can’t wait until Friday. I hope we get lots of just ripened and matured enough eggs. 

Shots shots shots shots!!!!

So our IVF cycle has begun. I had my baseline blood work and ultrasound Monday and things looked perfect so I started injections that night. 

The very thought of stabbing myself with a needle VOLUNTARILY freaked me out. But the gonal pens are so easy and almost painless. Those are the FSH ones to make the eggs grow. They really work! Lots of follicles and they’re 8-12mm. 16 minimum is what I need. 

I graduated to 2 injections a night now.  This second one is to prevent me from ovulating. Which I know I would do if I don’t do these shots. I already have several signs ovulation would be approaching. Plus my estridol is fairly high now. 

I’ve been going to my clinic every other day for blood and dildo cam. My left ovary is notoriously hard to find and painful. Today I had a different tech and it took her like 5 minutes and pressing on my bloated sore abdomen to find it. 

Doing IVF with pcos sucks! I’m already bloated and in pain from the ovaries with too many follicles in them. But now we are encouraging those follies to grow. It’s painful. It’s really uncomfortable. It makes my job (fitness instructor) hell. None of my clothes fit. And I’m too pessimistic or whatever to buy any maternity pants and I’m too mad to buy any larger regular pants. I just don’t want to admit how big I am.  I hope I just get pregnant and get bigger for the next 9 months! But if I don’t, I’m scared of the unnecessary weight gain. 

So next step is the hcg trigger to make all the follies mature. Probably on Wednesday. Which means retrevial would be Friday. I’ve got no idea what to expect from the next week. Other than more bloating and pain. And hopefully lots of fat, mature eggs! If it all ends in a take home baby then it’s totally worth it. 

Loved and lost or not at all?

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Is it? 

What about when it comes to  infertility and pregnancy loss?

What’s better then? I mean, obviously neither. 

Does fertile myrtle have any idea what it’s like, what we go through, every time we hear a pregnancy announcement? 

When women around me announce their pregnancy there’s a lot of thoughts and feelings that cross my mind.

I think about what she felt when she found out. When that magical second line appeared on the stick. I smile because I know that feeling. It’s shock and excitement. It’s a bunch of plans being made in an instant. Her heart starts racing. 

But then I remember what it feels like to have that happiness literally ripped from me. And my stomach turns. And the smile turns to a tight lipped frown, trying to hold back tears. 

Since I’ve been pregnant once I can’t tell you how it feels to hear the pregnancy announcements when you’ve never been able to have one. I can’t describe the utter frustration and anguish. 

I keep thinking ‘well at least I got to be pregnant once.’ Even though only for a few short weeks. I got to feel full and sick and eat only ice cream for dinner once because the craving was that bad. So if I never get to be pregnant again, or have a baby, at least I have that. I can hang onto that. 

But then I think, what if I didn’t? To never have had that experience. Because being pregnant, and then having it ripped away after it tried to kill me, was like doing heroin. Or so I imagine. I can’t stop thinking about it. All. The. Time. I remember how my body felt vividly. I want that feeling back. I need that feeling back. Now. 

If I never had that first hit…

The grass is always greener, right? 

Clearly neither is better. They both suck. 

Fertile myrtle announces her pregnancy and infertility survivors and pregnancy loss survivors alike silently scream and cry in our heads while faking a smile and enthusiasm. We rage. We ask why not me? What’s wrong with me? When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?  In our minds, we are smashing the good china plates. Possibly throwing a tantrum like the child we wish we had. 

Then we go home, or just to the restroom if we make it that far, and we cry. For all that we had and lost, for all that we never had, for the fear of what we may never have. 

Every. Single. Time. 

It’s exhausting. It’s maddening. I don’t know how we all pull it together and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

But we just do. 


How I KNEW I was pregnant this time:

Sorest boobs and nips that got worse every day.  High beautiful temps.  Metallic taste in my mouth. Sensitive to smells. Nauseaus. Twinges in uterus. Fatigue. Headache. Cravings and food aversions. Starving! Peeing every 10 minutes. Hope. 

How I KNEW I wasn’t pregnant this time:

Because the odds are so against me and I’m never that lucky. All the symptoms mentioned above are also pms symptoms. Aka, progesterone. Cramps. Spotting at 11dpo and 12dpo.  Negative test at 11dpo. Most importantly, the horrid and dramatic entrance of AF who brought the worst cramps I think I’ve had with her. 

I could’ve sworn I was pregnant. I haven’t had all those symptoms together since I was actually pregnant a year ago. Once I spotted I could’ve sworn I was pregnant but it was ectopic. (PTSD much?) 

My point here is, I can’t trust my body. Every single TWW and AF and BFP is different. I can’t help but keep track of my symptoms, even though I know they mean fuck all. 

But I think this was a good lesson now when I’m about to start IVF. Hopefully I’ll be able to survive the IVF TWW better now. Am I convincing? I didn’t think so. 

Also, hope is kind of a mean bitch. If I ever have a girl you can rest assured I will NOT name her hope. 

AF watch

Last night (11dpo) I took a test and of course it was -. My boobs are a little less sore today.  My bladder doesn’t want to burst as often. I’m still having light spotting on and off that’s dark brown. But what’s worse? My temp dropped this morning. Not below the cover, but low enough to assume AF should arrive tomorrow I’m guessing. 

So tomorrow morning the temp will be below cover. Hopefully AF will show up while someone is still at the clinic. If not I’ll be going in on cd 2. Which, I’m assuming isn’t too much of a difference? But idk since this is my first IVF cycle. I don’t even have a schedule yet. Everything is waiting on AF. 

I’m pretty mad about this thanks to hope. Who by the way still insists that it’s not over until AF shows up. Who also insists that this could just be implantation. But I insist that I’m never that lucky. The only time I get anything when the odds are slim is when it’s bad. Like having an ectopic. 

So I’m slightly pissed. But I can’t change anything. I can’t control anything. I just have to hope that I can turn myself into a pin cushion for IVF and that by the end of the year just one of my IVF cycles works.