So today was beta day. According to FRER this morning I’m not pregnant. The nurse with the sad voice confirmed the beta is negative too. 

Next step? Aside from wine (lots of wine) and rare steak? FET. As soon as I start bleeding our fet cycle starts. I’m already petrified. We only have one embaby on ice. If it doesn’t survive the thaw, it’s a waste of a month and cycle. I won’t know if it thaws ok until an hour or so before the transfer. The clinic is 2 hours away. 

I only have until the end of this year to get as many cycles in as possible. That’s it. If no baby by New Year’s Eve, then no baby ever. I can’t afford to waste time. Especially when I produce a ton of shit eggs, apparently. Not a shit ton. A ton of shit. Or a shit ton of shit. 

This week has been hell. I lost my only source of income. And DH can’t support both of us. Getting a job is really tough around here. Unless I want to work at mcdonalds. Nope. And now a bfn of our beautiful embaby. There was no reason that it shouldn’t have worked. The cherry on the sundae? Fucking Mother’s Day is Sunday. Last year at this time I had just gotten pregnant. Just conceived. My one pregnancy that ended horribly weeks later. 

I need to win the lotto (but can’t afford to play) and need to win the pregnancy lotto too. 

I honestly don’t know how much I’ll blog about the next cycles. I’m understandably feeling pretty down and discouraged. I just don’t know if I want to write about it. We’ll see I guess. But if and when I disappear, don’t be shocked. I’ll be back to update at the end of each cycle I’m sure. But that’s it. I will be active on twitter though. As I have been. You can find me @myectopic. Wish me luck. I need it. 


30 thoughts on “bffn

  1. Having just experienced this this past Monday, let me tell you I am right there with you. I feel somewhat better now that I have my FET schedule. I’ve been reading up a lot on how FET are better than fresh, that the high estrogen in your system during a fresh cycle inhibits implantation. That’s what I’m holding on to right now. I hope you keep hope alive as well. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry. I hope you can do a follow up with your RE and they have some ideas to improve the success of your FET. If you recall, my fresh transfer was our ecoptic and our FET is what got us this rainbow pregnancy. A FET cycle is MUCH easier. Will be sending lots of good vibes your way for a successful thaw, a healthy embryo and a miraculous pregnancy next round. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry. I got a BFN today as well. I wish you the best of luck on your next cycle and with your little embie. I’m sorry about the loss of your job as well! Definitely sounds like you need some wine and relaxation. Hope you’re feeling a bit better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hate that you got a bfn. It really sucks. I’m really hoping that your FET works. It seems that a lot of people have been having success with FETs. Drug wise it is a lot easier. Fingers crossed for you! It is time for things to work!


  5. I’m so sorry hun. I had a sucky cycle last month too, as AF arrived today. Stupid witch. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with your first cycle and hope that your doctor has some insight on what went wrong.


  6. I’m so very, very sorry to hear about your BFN. I am also sorry to hear about your job. What kind of support do you need right now? Please know I am sending lots of love and support your way! ❤


  7. I’m so so sorry! Those BFNs after IVF hurt way more than any others because you’ve literally done everything you possibly can. I really truly hope your FET takes! If it doesn’t, have you discussed trying a different protocol to maximize the quality of the eggs retrieved even if you collect less?


  8. I’m sorry, Hon. That just stinks! I hope your little embaby thaws and becomes your take home baby. As far as the job goes…would taking in a couple of kiddos and doing a small daycare be a possibility? Hope you can get something figured out! Sending lots of love and big hugs!!!


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