Ain’t no sunshine 

Today was a bad day for a lot of us IFers. My 3rd IVF transfer was a bfn. As usual. So many others cycling with me IRL and online also got the bfn today. Today just sucks. Instead of a single line on the pee stick it should just have a middle finger pop up. Same thing right? 

So the baby growing in my tube that was created the moment we decided to start tying to have a baby grew like a fucking weed right? Grew so damn well it almost killed me. But 5 perfect embryos carefully, painstakingly created and placed just so in a warm cushy uterus with plenty of progesterone and estrogen won’t implant. Not even a chemical pregnancy. Zilch. 

To say I’m frustrated and pissed off is an understatement. 

Luckily we have some frozen. Thank you HGH! FETs for us now. I’ve never done one so I’ve got no idea what to expect. 

As I may have mentioned before, I love to write. I used to be pretty damn good at it. My genius was born of my pain. 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” -Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. You just sit down at the typewriter and bleed.” -Hemingway again? I forget who. 

I’ve not been inspired through this whole process. I’ve been through enough pain. Physical and emotional. But I have no words. I feel like after this, after it works or doesn’t, is when it’ll all come gushing out. Like right now I’ve got a tourniquet on. And after some sort of ending, I’ll release it…

Maybe I’ll be healing by then. Or maybe the wound will refuse to close and I’ll still be bleeding everywhere. 

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Kitchen sink, minus the sink

So I’m back to square 1 now. Turns out insurance doesn’t cover neupogen, HGH, or intralipids. And they’re all too $ for me. So those are the meds to combat my immune issues. The most important changes the Dr made. 

I’m really feeling down. Maybe it’s because I’ve been awake since 3am with tummy troubles and sore joints. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid that the feeling and thoughts I’ve had since adolescence that I can’t have kids is right. Maybe I just need to start facing the reality. 

New Plan

I just had my wtf phone consult with the big guy at my clinic. He said we’ve been too delicate with me and we’re throwing everything and the kitchen sink into this next cycle, which starts asap. 

Birth control, lupron, estrace, neupogen, growth hormone, menopur? Gonal? Intralipids. 

(All dependent on cost and insurance coverage of course. Let’s hope!) 

Maybe a day 3 transfer, maybe a freeze all. 

All needs to be done by our vacation. 

😁😳

I asked about immune testing but he said just looking at my history he knows I have immune issues and doesn’t want to waste time and $ so he’s treating me for that. 

I feel good about a complete change. He said I’m on a high fat low carb diet. Which I have been. Mostly. 

If you’ve done intralipids and/or neupogen what was your experience? Are the intralipids an infusion? How long does that take?  Do these things really increase success rates? TIA!