Ain’t no sunshine 

Today was a bad day for a lot of us IFers. My 3rd IVF transfer was a bfn. As usual. So many others cycling with me IRL and online also got the bfn today. Today just sucks. Instead of a single line on the pee stick it should just have a middle finger pop up. Same thing right? 

So the baby growing in my tube that was created the moment we decided to start tying to have a baby grew like a fucking weed right? Grew so damn well it almost killed me. But 5 perfect embryos carefully, painstakingly created and placed just so in a warm cushy uterus with plenty of progesterone and estrogen won’t implant. Not even a chemical pregnancy. Zilch. 

To say I’m frustrated and pissed off is an understatement. 

Luckily we have some frozen. Thank you HGH! FETs for us now. I’ve never done one so I’ve got no idea what to expect. 

As I may have mentioned before, I love to write. I used to be pretty damn good at it. My genius was born of my pain. 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” -Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. You just sit down at the typewriter and bleed.” -Hemingway again? I forget who. 

I’ve not been inspired through this whole process. I’ve been through enough pain. Physical and emotional. But I have no words. I feel like after this, after it works or doesn’t, is when it’ll all come gushing out. Like right now I’ve got a tourniquet on. And after some sort of ending, I’ll release it…

Maybe I’ll be healing by then. Or maybe the wound will refuse to close and I’ll still be bleeding everywhere. 


9 thoughts on “Ain’t no sunshine 

  1. I felt super defeated and emotionally exhausted by IVF retrieval number two, transfer number five. I even had a meltdown and subsequent conversation with DW about how I was “done”, and that we needed to truly consider a life without children. This process is the most difficult journey I’ve ever experienced. It unfairly picks it’s participants, is cruel, and leaves you having to pick up the broken pieces of yourself every month or so, because apparently life goes on. I’m not gonna “bright side” you, because after a BFN, optimism made me want to throw my phone against the wall. But, I will acknowledge your pain, and tell you that you will get through this difficulty, because us IFers are a strong bunch. Hugs and lots of love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I stopped doing fresh transfers because I always got bfns, only pregnant with Fets. So I’m with you – fet or bust.

    I’m sorry this cycle didn’t work. It fucking hurts. Like a punch to the gut. My fingers are x’d that your upcoming fet will be a success. Can you try right away or does your clinic require a break between?


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