Salty Surprise

If you have played cards against humanity you may have seen the awesome salty surprise card. If you haven’t played, go do it.

Upstate NY is a salty surprise today. After all the crap weather has cleared up and streets are clear again, there’s salt everywhere. I could wash my poor car twice a day (but it’s too cold to do so) and it wouldn’t matter. There’s clouds of salt on the road instead of snow. Salt in my house. Salt in my car. Salt on my dog (the pet safe kind). This has nothing to do with ectopics or infertility, I just felt like sharing.

Where am I on my quest to make a baby? Well thanks to the higher dose of Femara I ovulated. On cd 13!!! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning I’m so excited! Starting 2015 out right!

I’m not sure about our timing of baby dancing as I wasn’t expecting to ovulate in a timely manner. But we bd 4 days before ovulation, day of ovulation, and day after ovulation. I ovulated the same day or night of my +opk. I’m not sure which side I ovulated from either. Last time I really felt it. This time I’ve had some discomfort on my left side (the tubeless side) but that’s really it. No obvious popping.

I’ve made it a goal (not a resolution) to do yoga for fertility every day in 2015. Bare minimum is legs up wall pose for 5 mins. I’m doing good so far. Mr. Big even does legs up wall before bed with me! So far of 3 (medicated) cycles, the one cycle I didn’t do yoga in I didn’t ovulate in.

I’ve been more positive too. I notice the times my thoughts turn negative or pessimistic (or realistic) and I turn them into positive ones. The yoga has helped me breathe and meditate. I’ve had a visualization of a baby/embryo in a womb come up out of nowhere. So I’m trying to hold onto that.

I’m just trying. If this cycle doesn’t work I’ve decided to go onto herbs. The ones that worked for me before. Or seemed to work before. But also get a consult with a RE at a fertility center. This doctor is one of the top in the world or so I’m told. Who knows how long it’ll take to get in. A couple of months I think.

I’m undecided on taking vitex. I’m going to do tribulus, maca, Damiana. I have vitex I just don’t know if I should start it. There’s so many mixed feelings about it out there. If you have experience with vitex please let me know your thoughts.

Let’s just hope I don’t even need to decide. 🙂 Let the two week wait begin. Hopefully it’s actually a 2 week wait and not a 9 day wait like last ovulation cycle.

Anyone else in the 2ww? May the odds be ever in our favor!

Post ectopic physical torture

A fit blogger I follow recently had an ectopic pregnancy. There are so many similarities between her story and mine. She recently wrote this post about her physical state after the ectopic surgery which removed her left tube. I experienced what she did, except the very end about being comforted by her child. Because, I’m not lucky enough to have any living children.

Thought I’d share for any who may read this who are wondering what to expect when you’re expecting the worst, aka ectopic pregnancy surgery.

She hit the nail on the head about looking 5 months pregnant as an awful reminder of what was lost. It’s a cruel joke by Mother Nature.

I think everyone I’ve read about who has had a tube rupture or ectopic surgery says it’s worse than labor and delivery. I wouldn’t know, but I know it fucking hurt like a bitch. The worst pain I’ve ever felt. 20 on the 1-10 pain scale.

I like to think that if you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.

Side note, I know I have an award nomination I need to address. I will soon. 🙂

Go home 2014, you’re drunk.

2014 was a C U Next Tuesday!

Last year, Mr. Big and I started a memory jar to be read on New Year’s Eve. Throughout the year we would write things that happened that we wanted to remember or notes to eachother etc. and on New Year’s Eve we read through them. It was really nice. Last year.

This year, recently, he mentioned he has been doing it. Oops. I haven’t. We have random movie stubs and a color run bib in there, but I don’t think I wrote anything personally. I have a few things I could and probably will write. But not much. Part of me thought we just weren’t doing it this year because we never really talked about it. Most of me hated this year and is just trying to forget and put it behind me. Now we are in the final few hours of 2014, and I better get writing.

As much as I don’t want to remember the ectopic, I do remember the baby we created. I do remember Mr. Big taking care of me. Skipping his birthday pretty much because the gift I got him was an ectopic pregnancy and a surgery for me. Mr. Big has had moments where he has been protective of me.

To be honest, I love the strong, protector side. It’s kind of a turn on too. Guys, stand up for your girl. I digress.

So I jotted down a few of the moments I did like and would like to remember. Like our trip to Cali, which was the one time I could enjoy being pregnant. When I still had some hope.

I’ve done a bit recently to rid negative people and feelings from my life. I’ve started yoga more regularly. I’ve meditated some. I have plans for how to better my body and mind in the future. Today is cd 5 and I’ve started my higher dose of Letrozole. Last Femara cycle, wish me luck!

I feel good about 2015. I feel ready to move on from 2014. I’ve dealt with my issues and am moving forward. Obviously not forgetting. I think of our sweat pea every day and always will. But I’m pulling myself out of the pit of despair. I’m ready to be a better wife. A better person. A healthier and more importantly happier person. Try anyways. A few cycles of crap is all it takes to pull you back down, I know. But I’m better prepared to deal now I think. We will see.

In one month I would have had a beautiful baby. I’ve been thinking about that looming date a lot. Hopefully I can hold onto this peaceful feeling through that time. I think that will be my first challenge.

To all of you in my shoes or similar, and to those who are pregnant, I hope 2015 is a better year for all of us. Sending you all love and warm wishes!

I shared this on twitter and had to share here too. 🙂
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F it, I’m having a latte!

I’m an avid tea drinker. Used to be anyways. Earl grey and green and anything in between.

After my ectopic pregnancy I read that black and green tea have something in them that can cause the cilia in the Fallopian tubes to stop functioning. Resulting in an ectopic. Granted you need to drink a TON in order for that to happen. More than most people do. Like tea all day every day instead of anything else. Gallons. So no where near what I was drinking. But I stopped black and green tea once we started ttc again.

Caffeine is also supposed to be bad for fertility. Even in tea amounts.

Certain herbs and flowers (like the daisy family) in tea can also impact fertility. In regards to Fallopian tube function, ovulation, creating a hostile environment for sperm etc.

I found that every tea I had and had been consuming, with the exception of peppermint tea which I don’t like, had something in it I shouldn’t have. Or had too much caffeine. So I stopped. Cold turkey. I’m a grumpy sonofabitch in the cold winter morning without it. I haven’t found a replacement yet. I just need something warm that tastes good. Not warm milk because that will put me back to sleep. Not hot chocolate as much as I would love it. If you have suggestions please let me know.

After realizing that I wasn’t ovulating anyways, I kind of said F it. During my period, I have red raspberry tea. Before my supposed ovulation or lack there of I have earl grey or green. When it gets close to when one should ovulate, I quit again. I never have coffee or lattes.

But right now I feel kind of hopeless. I feel like, if it’s going to happen then it’ll happen. Regardless of what I do or don’t do.

So F it. I’m having a sugar cookie latte.

If it really doesn’t happen

Here comes a what if. What if the big O really doesn’t happen this cycle? Last cycle, with femara, by today(cd 23) I had a + opk and by tomorrow (cd24) I ovulated.

This cycle, with femara in the same dose but taken days 3-7 versus days 5-9 last time. This cycle I’m on my 4th day of blinky smiley faces. So high estrogen but no LH surge. No O yet. No solid smiley face.

If I don’t O, then it’s another waste. Waste of a bit of $, waste of resources. Waste of energy and time. Waste of hope. A build up of resentment at the universe for being in this damn situation. But hey, I ovulated twice this year! Can you feel my eye roll from here?

Do I wait it out? How long do I wait before giving up and inducing a bleed and starting over again? Do I do the next cycle on femara (probably a higher dose)? Do I just start the herbs now without inducing a bleed? Do I induce and then do herbs?

I have one more cycle on femara allowed before I’m cut loose and sent to a different doctor. A RE. Depending on cost of the visit and insurance, I was going to start herbs then. In 6 months if I wasn’t ovulating with herbs then I’d bite the bullet and see the RE. But right now I don’t know what to do. I have a strong feeling that I won’t get pregnant with femara. That the herbs will work. After a couple months of taking them.

So do I give in and just start now? Shouldn’t I start with a fresh new cycle?

Writing these questions out seemed to help. I think I’ll call my doc tomorrow and get her opinion. Probably induce a bleed and go one more round with a higher dose of femara.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and ovulate before then though. Come on solid smiley face!

Half agony, half hope.

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Yesterday I told Mr. Big that I thought I wasn’t going to ovulate. I’ve been using the advanced digital ovulation kit with the blinking smiley face, sans any kind of smiley face.

Until today. Blinky smiley face. And egg white mucus. Can we call them fluids? Or a sperm lazy river? Mucus is such a gross word for something we need to check in order to see if ovulation might happen.

If you are unfamiliar with this opk kit, the blinky smiley face means estrogen is surging and in 2 days (or longer, or not at all) the solid smiley face shows up for the lh surge. Maybe ovulation happens after that.

Anyways, if I ovulate it’ll be late. There are so many cases out there of ovulating on cd 23 or 24 and getting pregnant. That gives me hope. Hell any ovulation no matter when gives me hope.

But last cycle it was on cd 24, and I only had a 9 day luteal phase followed by AF. Plus the odds are against me now all the time anyways. Cue the agony.

I am on a hope roller coaster. One day I can see myself getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. It’s almost a feeling of I know it will happen. Like an epiphany. I keep having feelings like it’ll happen in early spring. There’s no logical reason for these feelings. But they give me hope. Then there’s the doubts. The realist in me. The part of me that sees the odds. The part that knows there is no reason to have those feelings or too much hope. That sees that femara makes me ovulate, but not in a timely fashion. With a short luteal phase to boot. I think I have more days of hope, not agony. At least right now.

That’s all. Back to watching american horror story and knitting. And hope.

Can I knit a baby?

So in the past week I’ve taken up knitting. Arm knitting and finger knitting. I’m obsessed. It gives me something to do aside from be on electronics. Something productive. This is one reason I’ve been so quiet. I’m getting better at it, but each scarf teaches me more. I think I’ve undone each project 3 times before finishing it. Next step, a big ass blanket.

I’ve also started going to fertility yoga once a week with a friend of mine who is also having a hard time making a baby. It’s part support group and part yoga. It’s nice to do something for me. To actually schedule it in. It’s nice to be with others who feel as helpless as me.

In lack of baby making news, it’s cd 16 and not a positive opk in sight. The line is faint but very slowly getting darker. I think. We will see. Even if it’s another cd 24 ovulation, it’s still an ovulation and I’ll take it. Are my ovaries just lazy??

I realized that an herbal blend for libido I was taking earlier in the year, when I did ovulate and get pregnant, actually had several herbs that help regulate cycles in it. I have one more round of femara to try before I quit it and go herbal. I’ve got to say I’m not too hopeful about femara. As far as getting pregnant on it. Maybe increasing the dose next time will get an earlier ovulation? Maybe I just need to go back to the herbs.

Obviously all I want is to get pregnant. But I’ve been trying not to obsess lately. Hence the knitting. Trying is the key word. I’ve still been following blogs, even though I haven’t written much. It seems like almost everyone else is pregnant. So many in the IF community have gotten their elusive BFP and I’m thrilled for them. But, then there’s me. Feeling increasingly lonely on this isle of no baby. I have long cycles right now and maybe that’s part of why I feel this way, but each cycle feels like an eternity. My last one was 33 days but felt like 3 months. I’m on cd 16 but it feels like at least cd 30.

Meanwhile Christmas is approaching fast. Everywhere else it seems that time is speeding up. Just not when it comes to my uterus/ovaries.

I don’t have much else to say. I’m exhausted. This week I’ve been so tired each day from the moment I wake up that I could fall asleep standing up. I can’t remember the last time I was this beat. I’m not getting sick or anything. It’s probably just more hormonal imbalance. Yay.

If you can’t tell, this has been a very Debbie downer cycle. Probably another reason I haven written much. When I put my yarn down I’ll try to jot more here. 🙂

On a completely unrelated note, if you like twisted horror movies, you may want to check out tusk. But I warn you, it’ll stick with you. I think it’s the most disturbing movie I may have ever seen. I don’t know why it bugs me more than others either. But one I really loved was As Above, So Below. Not disturbing, just scary. Loved it. I’ll leave you with that.

My life. Horror movies and yarn.

😡

Today is 10 dpo, and now also CD 1.
AF ruined a brand new pair of cute panties.
She declared me not pregnant which irritates the crap out of me.
She made sure to ruin the weekend.

She now has me scared of a luteal phase defect. How bad is a 9 day luteal phase? Does the luteal length change?

I’m supposed to call my doctor on CD 1 to get femara to take days 3-7 to hopefully ovulate before cd 24. But it’s Saturday night. Normally my doctor isn’t in on Monday either. But I have her cell number. So do I call the answering service to try to reach her or get a message to her, or bug her on her cell on Monday morning?

Ugh. I’m still thankful I ovulated. But now I have a new set of things to worry about. The joys of infertility struggles right?

Don’t let the pain stop.

Most normal people don’t like pain and discomfort. They like to medicate and end the pain as quickly as they can.

I’m not trying to symptom spot, because let’s be honest at 7dpo it’s all due to progesterone. The cramps, hopefully the right sided tightness, the sore boobs and nips, the frequent urination, the bloating, the hunger…all progesterone.

When I was pregnant the first thing I noticed was sore nips that got worse every day starting at 5dpo. Same this time. Which means sore boobs is par for the course of my normal post ovulation body. The odds are they’ll get better in a week or so. No more pain, no more discomfort.

But gosh I hope not. I hope they get worse every day. I hope they feel like they’re going to hop off my chest. I hope bras and shirts and even silk hurt to rub against. I hope even the water in the shower hurts. I want to be bloated, and pee all the time. I want to be nauseous and even throw up.

I hate waiting. One week down. Here’s to hoping for pain and discomfort for 9 months.

Implantation

Over the next week, if I have a fertilized egg floating around, implantation could occur. I’m going to skip the part about what could go wrong and the low percentage that it’s actually happening and focus on what I can do to help, just in case.

Movement. I read somewhere that the motion of walking could help implantation. If you think about it, it makes sense. The gentle rocking motion could help the little embryo burrow. Or at least help it make it’s way out of the tube, which is also a concern of mine. If it doesn’t help, it’s sure not hurting anything. So I’m walking. And doing yoga designed for the luteal phase. Nothing too strenuous, nothing too bouncy or aerobic.

Nourishment. Obviously I’m taking prenatals. I’m not eating sugar and processed junk. I read that pineapple in moderation, specifically the core, is supposed to help thanks to the bromelain. You’re supposed to chop it up into 5 pieces and have one piece a day after you ovulate. I’m skipping this one because I was too late. But next time, maybe. Brazil nuts, an excellent source of selenium, I am eating. They are also supposed to help, in moderation. Everything in moderation. So a small handful a day for me. As well as other mixed nuts. No other herbs or any foods out of the ordinary. Just trying to eat healthy all around.

Warmth. I read that staying warm, but not too warm, can produce a nice environment to burrow into. It’s snowing now and cold so I can relate to wanting to burrow into warm things. No hot baths or showers, no heating bottles. But keeping my feet warm, which is a next to impossible task, and keeping the rest of me warm/comfortable is a priority. I’ve got thick socks, leg warmers, fuzzy slippers, and a blanket if needed. Having my ankles and calves covered seems to do the trick to keeping these ice toes warm.
Eating warm things and staying away from eating anything cold is also something I came across. Since it’s cold out, that’s not a hard thing for me to do.

Calm. One of the hardest for anyone in the TWW to achieve. I wish I could do acupuncture now. It would help a lot. I just don’t have it in the budget right now.
Focusing on the little I might be able to do, per what could be going on that day in my cycle is helping. Hence for the rest of the week trying to create an environment that’s warm and inviting to implant into.
I’m not reading into any symptoms. The hormones can be the cause of anything felt during these two weeks so I’m blaming the hormones for everything I feel, or don’t feel.
Taking things a day at a time, but trying to keep my mind busy on other things is all I really can do.
Breathing also helps. Being conscious of my breathing and slowing it down when needed also works to calm down and center myself.
Meditating for relaxation is something I intend to start this week too.

I know there’s lots more out there that could help this process, but this is what I’m doing this cycle. So much of the info out there contradicts itself. Who can ever know what truly helps?