I’m still here. Kind of. 

*Pregnancy mentioned* I do remember what it was like in the trenches. 

Ok first I swear I had a draft typed up of an update. Like months ago. But no idea what happened to it. 

After the Halloween bleed I had no more. It was just the suppositories irritating the cervix. Bleeding does not always mean the end. But try telling a hormonal pregnant woman with infertility and loss ptsd that. 

Weaning off the meds was terrifying and liberating. But mainly terrifying. All was ok though. I learned to trust my body a little. 

I wanted to update here. I wanted to write. But I was afraid. Afraid that talking about it would somehow jynx it. Also I didn’t want to hurt those in the trenches. I know how hard it is to read the daily or weekly bump updates. I didn’t want to be that person. Here’s a little. 

My pregnancy was very easy. Not mentally. I was a basket case always torn between waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying to enjoy every second of being pregnant. I love being pregnant. I had several colds. Which sucked. And the worst heartburn of my life. I was as big as a house. My butt grew like 3 sizes. But I loved it all. 

Once I finish my birth story I’ll put it here in more detail. 

My lo was due July 4.  He decided to come a month early. Landed himself in the nicu for just over a week. Which felt like a month. Time stands still in nicu. Much like I imagine time in hell would. If I believed in hell. But that’s another story. 

He was the biggest preemie in the nicu at 7lbs 5oz. He had an atrial flutter discovered at my routine ob apt at 35 weeks. They had to take him early. 

He was colicky. He has gerd. He has milk and soy allergies. He has breastfeeding issues so I have to exclusively pump. He is a high needs baby. (Google the dr sears explanation of that). He is allergic to sleep apparently. He has not let me put him down since birth. He is so much more intense than I ever imagined. 

And I know I should be so lucky. But holy hell is it hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is be his mother. But yes it’s worth it. So very worth it. He is perfect to me. 

Don’t get me started on my marriage either. That’s a whole other blog. Colic and gerd and screaming and allergies and never sleeping and more screaming reallllyy takes a toll…

So as you see I have had no time. None for my marriage. None for myself. None for this blog. Once I do get the time I will go into more detail. Of the birth. Of the nicu. Of marriage post baby. Of it all. 

I have not forgotten you. In the trenches. On the other side with me. Just starting your journey. 

I’ll be back. (Bonus points if you read that in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice) (what kind of name is Arnold anyways) 

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