Don’t let the pain stop.

Most normal people don’t like pain and discomfort. They like to medicate and end the pain as quickly as they can.

I’m not trying to symptom spot, because let’s be honest at 7dpo it’s all due to progesterone. The cramps, hopefully the right sided tightness, the sore boobs and nips, the frequent urination, the bloating, the hunger…all progesterone.

When I was pregnant the first thing I noticed was sore nips that got worse every day starting at 5dpo. Same this time. Which means sore boobs is par for the course of my normal post ovulation body. The odds are they’ll get better in a week or so. No more pain, no more discomfort.

But gosh I hope not. I hope they get worse every day. I hope they feel like they’re going to hop off my chest. I hope bras and shirts and even silk hurt to rub against. I hope even the water in the shower hurts. I want to be bloated, and pee all the time. I want to be nauseous and even throw up.

I hate waiting. One week down. Here’s to hoping for pain and discomfort for 9 months.

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Implantation

Over the next week, if I have a fertilized egg floating around, implantation could occur. I’m going to skip the part about what could go wrong and the low percentage that it’s actually happening and focus on what I can do to help, just in case.

Movement. I read somewhere that the motion of walking could help implantation. If you think about it, it makes sense. The gentle rocking motion could help the little embryo burrow. Or at least help it make it’s way out of the tube, which is also a concern of mine. If it doesn’t help, it’s sure not hurting anything. So I’m walking. And doing yoga designed for the luteal phase. Nothing too strenuous, nothing too bouncy or aerobic.

Nourishment. Obviously I’m taking prenatals. I’m not eating sugar and processed junk. I read that pineapple in moderation, specifically the core, is supposed to help thanks to the bromelain. You’re supposed to chop it up into 5 pieces and have one piece a day after you ovulate. I’m skipping this one because I was too late. But next time, maybe. Brazil nuts, an excellent source of selenium, I am eating. They are also supposed to help, in moderation. Everything in moderation. So a small handful a day for me. As well as other mixed nuts. No other herbs or any foods out of the ordinary. Just trying to eat healthy all around.

Warmth. I read that staying warm, but not too warm, can produce a nice environment to burrow into. It’s snowing now and cold so I can relate to wanting to burrow into warm things. No hot baths or showers, no heating bottles. But keeping my feet warm, which is a next to impossible task, and keeping the rest of me warm/comfortable is a priority. I’ve got thick socks, leg warmers, fuzzy slippers, and a blanket if needed. Having my ankles and calves covered seems to do the trick to keeping these ice toes warm.
Eating warm things and staying away from eating anything cold is also something I came across. Since it’s cold out, that’s not a hard thing for me to do.

Calm. One of the hardest for anyone in the TWW to achieve. I wish I could do acupuncture now. It would help a lot. I just don’t have it in the budget right now.
Focusing on the little I might be able to do, per what could be going on that day in my cycle is helping. Hence for the rest of the week trying to create an environment that’s warm and inviting to implant into.
I’m not reading into any symptoms. The hormones can be the cause of anything felt during these two weeks so I’m blaming the hormones for everything I feel, or don’t feel.
Taking things a day at a time, but trying to keep my mind busy on other things is all I really can do.
Breathing also helps. Being conscious of my breathing and slowing it down when needed also works to calm down and center myself.
Meditating for relaxation is something I intend to start this week too.

I know there’s lots more out there that could help this process, but this is what I’m doing this cycle. So much of the info out there contradicts itself. Who can ever know what truly helps?

On cd 23 I finally got a damn ☺! On cd 24 it appears I actually ovulated. My temp rose for 3 days (today is day 3) and is higher today than it has been since I was pregnant. Let’s hope it stays up for the next 9 months! Fertility friend gave me crosshairs (solid crosshairs) for the first time.

Pre ovulation I felt like crap. Thanks hormones. I had cramping in the few days leading up to it mainly on my right side (the side with a tube) and the cramping on the right woke me up one night. I guess since the ectopic I’m one of the women who can feel ovulation. It’s really nice to know what that all feels like and how my body reacts to ovulation, finally!
Hopefully this means I ovulated from my right ovary too. The day I got my temp rise, I felt great. No more fatigue and bloating. My body loves progesterone. My high temp makes me think my progesterone is in a good place too.

I’ve had twinges on my right side after ovulation. Is it possible to feel the egg travel down the tube? Or does the tube contract to help move it? Since I had an ectopic I’m at a higher risk for it happening again, so I am thinking positively. The twinges are not the egg getting stuck, they’re the egg moving along to where it needs to go.

So obviously cd 24 is a late ovulation, which I thought wouldn’t happen on femara. Maybe taking femara days 3-7 instead of 5-9 will give an earlier ovulation?

Is there any truth to what I’ve read via stupid google that a late ovulation usually involves an older, less than stellar egg? Does late ovulation even actually make a difference?

So, I begin the 2 week wait. *twiddles thumbs*

Thanksgiving morning I will get to test, if AF doesn’t show up by then. I’m going to do my best to not POAS until then. I’d really like to have a BFP to be very thankful for that night.

A day or so before I got my ☺, a spotless ladybug hitched a ride home on my car. There were several more, with spots, waiting on my house. I was hoping they were good luck. Seems like they may have been. First ovulation since May! Hopefully that luck will continue.

For all of you who are waiting on a ☺ or a second line or a heartbeat, good luck to you as well!

Chart Thoughts?

Hi ladies. I’d consider myself still a newbie at charting simply because I have no idea what my “normal” charts look like. Normal meaning ovulation.

So, I’d like your thoughts on this cycle. As you know since my ectopic I haven’t ovulated. This cycle is my first on Letrozole (Femara) but I’m not being monitored. Here’s my chart:

image

 

I took took femara days 5-9. Started opk tests day 10, all of which have been negative. But I only test once per day in the afternoon. Cd 6 should be a little lower temp because I woke up later. Cd 14 & 17 should be .1 higher as I woke up much earlier. I added a coverline just to try to find a rise.

The past couple days I’ve felt just like I did back when I had a 3 month long anovulatory cycle, plus some light cramping this time. Researching, my symptoms were probably caused by an estrogen dominance that built up over those months. Now, I feel hungry, fatigued, very bloated, and slightly crampy yesterday. I didn’t feel like this last cycle which was 1 month anovulatory. My chart last month was very clearly anovulatory.

My question is, is there any chance I could have ovulated on like cd 11 or 12? Or should I just throw in the towel again and think about contacting my doctor for more provera and a higher dose of femara? Thanks in advance!

I know I’ll find out in a week anyways but I’m impatient and curious and would like another set of eyes.
 

 

Waiting for O day

Waiting to ovulate. Story of my life these days huh?

I have femara in my possession and am on day 3 of taking it. I’ve never been so excited to take a drug made for cancer patients.  Here’s to ovulating! Let’s hope. To the big O, and beyond.

I’d like to do acupuncture as well this cycle but I just don’t have the extra money.  So it’s all up to femara.  My doc said I can try femara for 3 cycles and then I’ll officially be sent to a RE and probably for injectables. But, that’s not my plan.  Come new year, if I’m not pregnant then I’m starting vitex and maca root etc. Assuming I do actually ovulate on femara. Either way I’ll probably see the RE.

Round 1

The other night I attended a networking event for local female entrepreneurs.  It was the first time I had to have a conversation about my loss with a stranger.  This woman was in skin care, and asked about my skin issues. I told her I have acne that won’t go away due to my hormones being messed up from being pregnant.  Am I nursing? No I’m not.  So I have a little one at home huh? No. I don’t. The pregnancy ended badly. Cue the deafening sound of the conversation coming to an awkward screeching halt. So it ended badly is all I could say about it. Next time I’ll do better. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for her. Because my shitty life made her uncomfortable. I’m shaking my head.

Round 2

Last night I went to a halloween party with a bunch of people I’ve never met, and who know nothing about my ectopic and infertility struggles. I’m an introvert. It’s an effort to open up in situations like that. But there was a seemingly cool young woman there so I struck up a conversation. Trying to make friends and mingle. Trying to have some semblance of normalcy. I even drank some hard cider!

Within minutes I realized that approaching this 26 year old woman was a mistake. I had found fertile fucking myrtle of all people! 26, engaged for years but not married, 3 unplanned kids. Smoked cigarettes and pot the entire time she was pregnant and her kids turned out fine so far. (Never would have pegged her for that type by looking at her.)

She asked if we had kids, and all I said was not yet but we were trying. How old are we? 30. Oh well it’s good that you waited that long! It’s a good thing to be out of your 20’s before having a kid. Bit my tongue a lot there. I’m not exactly waiting by choice you bimbo! Yes I have a baby but he didn’t survive you insensitive ass! If he had survived I’d still be pregnant and not smoking anything because I’d actually care about my baby you twit!

Then all night long I had her camera and phone shoved in my face with pictures of all her kids and their many poses. Forcing a fake smile and nod through it all. God forbid I make someone else feel uncomfortable this week. This is what I get for trying to come out of my shell. This is what I get for thinking I can ever be normal. This is what happens when I try to make a friend or mingle.

I eventually just shut up and tried to pretend I was really engrossed in the game of beer pong being played in front of me. So then she had to ask if I was fighting with Mr. Big. Nope. Was it her? Had she upset me? Grit my teeth. Nope. Had she said something? Grit harder. Nope. Just leave me alone, I silently wished.

Mr. Big was standing on the other side of the room watching me. He said he watched the progression on my face. It went from ok, to annoyed, to pissed, to oh shit this dumb broad is going to get kicked. So he came over and without saying even 1 complete sentence to eachother he knew exactly what was wrong. Of course he thinks of her and the situation the same way I do. Luckily she left us alone for the rest of the night. Guess I just can’t fake it like I used to. Frankly my dear I just don’t give a damn. Screw the fertile’s comfort.

I had thought at one brief point that I’d take her aside and explain why I was upset. But then I thought, nah.

I tapped out after that. No more, you win. Let me go lick my wounds in a quiet, smoke-free corner.

Today I feel like crap. Tired because we didn’t go to bed until 3am which is way past any bed time of mine in like a year. Headaches all day which I’m guessing is the femara side effects starting. Feeling sick because all I can smell are cigarettes. I got way too much second hand smoke last night. It’s not in my hair or on my clothes. It’s in my lungs. How freaking gross. Never going to be in that situation again. Keeping my distance from now on. Screw mingling. Nausea is how I’m ending my night. Also a femara side effect I think. (Maybe?) Or a mixture of that and the smoke sickness.

Halloween we have another party to attend. With hopefully more people that we actually know. Hopefully with less smoking or more of an option to escape too. Maybe, I’ll even ovulate. 🙂

Cone of Shame.

Kitty update: The cut is deep. She did a bang up job. I still have no idea how she managed to cut her tail. She’s in a cone of shame, also known as an e collar, for a week. This is the second cone, as the first wasn’t long enough. Sadly she is Houdini and can still reach her tail to lick it sometimes. But the cone definitely deters her so it’s not often. I got some bitter apple to put on her tail so hopefully she’ll leave it alone.
Have you ever seen a cat in a cone? It’s messy, clumsy, pitiful, itchy, and ridiculous. She has managed to get her poo all over it. Twice. She’s prepping me for if I ever have an infant.

On the ttc front, I’m still not ovulating. Surprise, surprise. I’ve been trying to get ahold of my doctor but the only times she calls are the times I’m working and can’t answer. I am a fitness instructor so I can’t exactly excuse myself mid class. That also means I work in the morning and the evening. I work when normal people aren’t. I haven’t been able to speak to her since before the HSG test. She has left messages saying to call her if I want to discuss test results etc. I do want to discuss results as well as get some provera and femara. Is there any way I can get those without a doctor? (In the US)

She left a message yesterday saying she’d try to reach me again today (the best day to reach me) but no call. I called earlier and no one answered, I was just put on hold for 7 minutes before I gave up. 😦 Obviously the weekend she won’t call and Monday starts my work schedule again. So irritated. I’m thinking it’s officially time to switch to a fertility clinic. But, they have limited hours and require I do a consult first which wastes more time. They are booking a ways out just for a consult. Not to mention I’m not sure if insurance will cover it.

I know what I need, don’t beat around the bush just give me the damn meds.

I feel like I’m in a cone of shame. I have this itch and no one will let me scratch it.

Also, I finally got up the nerve to watch Return to Zero. It’s a movie about a couple’s stillbirth experience and the aftermath. I don’t really know what to say about it. It’s heartbreaking, I cried. It’s infuriating. It’s relatable. It’s terrifying. Those of you who have been through that are so strong. You get points just for breathing. Every single day. ❤

 

*Update*

Finally got a call and answered! Got a provera prescription to induce a bleed, again. She hasn’t used femara before but is willing to respect my wishes and try. Hopefully she’ll be able to prescribe it. I’ll find out in a week.

Falling off the wagon.

Ok, I took a running dive off the damn thing this weekend.

I indulged this weekend, to say the least. Pretty sure I’ve got a good start on clogging some arteries, bringing on diabetes, and killing my liver. Why? Because I stopped giving a damn. Because I’m so pissed off at my body. Because what’s another 5 lbs on top of the 15 I gained courtesy of my whacked out hormones. Because it’s not like I’m ovulating so I can’t hurt anything right now anyways. I’m a cynical bitch.

But this has got to stop. The depression and anger aren’t being helped by beer, wine, sugar, and cheese. In fact it makes it ten times worse. The fertility, or lack there of, certainly isn’t being helped.

This weekend was go out with a bang weekend. “Eat all the things!!!” Tomorrow I start taking care of my body again. If I really want to attempt to grow a human I’ve got to start now.

I’ve done the advocare 24 day challenge with great results a year ago. But it’s $200 (I’m broke) and you can’t take it if you get pregnant. So, I’ll do the food side without the pills. Basically it’s a common sense lifestyle change.

No sugar.
No simple carbs.
Limit carbs as much as possible, and make them complex.
Protein, veggies, some fruit.
No processed crap.
No fats like butter. *cries*
Limited dairy.
Portion control!
Basically if I don’t make it, I don’t eat it. Unless it’s grilled. Or salad with no dressing.

Cardio, cardio, cardio, barre. 💪

I just need to stay motivated. I need to handcuff myself to the wagon with instructions for everyone not to release me, no matter what I say or how I beg.

It’s going to be a big change. I’m going to be shell shocked. It’s not going to be easy. Mr. Big will bring all sorts of sugar and deliciousness into the house and I MUST ignore it.

I also want to get a yoga for fertility DVD once I have some $. There’s a fertility center nearby that’s doing a yoga for fertility class that I might try to attend. I’m not a client there so I’m not sure if I can though.

Wish me luck. I’ll need it. I need to be strong and determined. I need to have faith that it’ll be better and worth it in the long run.

Skunked Again.

You just know how your day is going to go when you wake up early choking on the smell of skunk.

Like a skunk was on the bed cuddling with me. The entire house, skunked. It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last. I’m seriously wondering if the skunk sprays our air conditioner outside. There’s just no reason it would infiltrate the house that badly. And it lingers still. I don’t even smell it outside.

In other non-news I’ve given up on ovulating. It’s cd 21 today. I know it’s entirely possible I could ovulate within the next week, but the odds are kind of against me. May the odds be ever not in my favor apparently.

My doctor basically said if I’m not pregnant and not bleeding (so in other words not ovulating) by cd 28 to call her. Waiting until cd 28 is the hard part. If my body’s not going to do this on it’s own then I’d like to waste no more time. My clock is ticking after that HSG. My clock is ticking anyways.

Do you feel like there’s a clock floating next to your head wherever you go that only you can see and hear? It grows louder each time someone announces a pregnancy…

The Big O, or lack there of.

Cd 18. Another – opk. If I were going to ovulate ‘on time’ (by cd 21) wouldn’t I have a LH surge by now? How bad is ‘late’ ovulation? I of course have heard of late ovulators getting a BFP but I have no idea how those pregnancies turned out. How long do I wait once cd 21 comes and goes before going back to the doctor?

I have heard that women are ‘more fertile’ after the HSG test because it can clear out mucus etc in the tubes. Since I’m at a higher risk for another ectopic I’ll take all the help I can get cleaning my lonely tube so I don’t have to go through that again. BUT what the hell good is that if I don’t friggin’ ovulate!? How long after the HSG would the tube be more cleared? One cycle, three?

If I don’t ovulate and go to the doctor what do I do? I’d like to go the vitex route I think but that takes so long to start working. Again, how long would the tube be cleared out for? But what else is there? Clomid? Clomid scares me. The side effects plus dropping more than 2 eggs at a time. I could handle twins. Mr. Big doesn’t want twins but damnit I/we want 2 kids so why not get it out of the way in one shot if I can? It’s my vagina damnit. 🙂 But if I get 3+ ready to drop then I have to skip that cycle right? That could be even more wasted time.

Have any of you dealt with anovulation? I’d love to hear your stories. If you have taken vitex I’d also like to hear how it worked for you, what it did for you. Same with Clomid.

I’m so mad right now. Sure I have a little hope I’ll ovulate by cd 21 or just ovulate late. But given my last few months and my negative nancy/ realistic mood I’m trying to prepare for the worst. My body flat out refuses to let me even try to get pregnant. Infuriating. Ttc is all I can focus on lately. My body just continues to add insult to injury. If it were an employee I would have fired it by now!

My acupuncturist wants me to do another session if I’m not ovulating, but I can’t afford another $60 for it this month. I’ve done 2 already.

I’m emotionally snacking right now. 😦 It doesn’t help anything I know. But dark chocolate goji berry candies are delicious.

I’m done venting. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any experience you can share.

Another day, another – opk.

Cd 17. Still waiting for any ovulation signs. No smiley face (I use the clear blue digital opk).

The friend, let’s call her F, and I had coffee. Well, she had coffee. I was waiting to take an opk test so I drank nothing. It started exactly as I thought it would with her saying ‘was I ok with how things were and wouldn’t I like it to be better between us’ which is absurd because she lost my trust so it’ll never be how it was. She asked if I’d ever tell her what happened with me and if anyone else knew. Of course, everyone that I trust and who I know will support me knows! But then she gave it up. Thank goodness.

The rest of the hour and a half was basically her venting about her issues. The very people that had been starting drama between me and her that she listened to instead of asking me about things are now ‘fake as hell’ etc. I could have gone off on her several times but instead I found myself laughing inside. Not at her, at the situation.

For the first time in the 12 years I’ve been friends with her, I was able to sit back and look at the conversation objectively. I didn’t get pulled into her drama. I didn’t let her into my life. It was all just negativity. When I got home later my dh made an observation. Back when I was talking to her a lot and was actually friends with her, I was more negative. All the time. Since I stopped talking to her, I’ve been more positive. Which says a lot because I thought I was pretty down and negative after the ectopic.

I left with impression, and maybe I’m wrong this is just how I feel, that she wanted to meet with me now just to vent. She needs me in her life now because her new BFF is probably only concerned with being pregnant. Now it’s convenient to talk to me like a normal person. Now she can acknowledge me. Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be meeting with her for as long as I don’t need negativity in my life.

Nothing else to report. Just waiting for the big O. If it happens…