Ain’t no sunshine 

Today was a bad day for a lot of us IFers. My 3rd IVF transfer was a bfn. As usual. So many others cycling with me IRL and online also got the bfn today. Today just sucks. Instead of a single line on the pee stick it should just have a middle finger pop up. Same thing right? 

So the baby growing in my tube that was created the moment we decided to start tying to have a baby grew like a fucking weed right? Grew so damn well it almost killed me. But 5 perfect embryos carefully, painstakingly created and placed just so in a warm cushy uterus with plenty of progesterone and estrogen won’t implant. Not even a chemical pregnancy. Zilch. 

To say I’m frustrated and pissed off is an understatement. 

Luckily we have some frozen. Thank you HGH! FETs for us now. I’ve never done one so I’ve got no idea what to expect. 

As I may have mentioned before, I love to write. I used to be pretty damn good at it. My genius was born of my pain. 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” -Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. You just sit down at the typewriter and bleed.” -Hemingway again? I forget who. 

I’ve not been inspired through this whole process. I’ve been through enough pain. Physical and emotional. But I have no words. I feel like after this, after it works or doesn’t, is when it’ll all come gushing out. Like right now I’ve got a tourniquet on. And after some sort of ending, I’ll release it…

Maybe I’ll be healing by then. Or maybe the wound will refuse to close and I’ll still be bleeding everywhere. 

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Beam Me Up

I just found out that Pink’s song ‘Beam Me Up’ is about a miscarriage. This is probably old news. But I thought I’d share in case I’m not the only one living under a rock.

“There’s a whole ‘nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There’s a waltz playin’ frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re lookin’ at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soarin’ in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin’ goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.”
-Pink

Happy Halloween

Here’s an article I found on dealing with Halloween when childless and struggling to conceive.

I’m going with the don’t even be home method. We were lucky enough to get invited to a party tonight and jumped at the offer. At our neighborhood the inner city kids get bussed in to trick or treat because it’s too dangerous in their neighborhood. But we had 18 year olds and moms not dressed up with their infants who were out as well. We went through 5 bags of candy and our personal stash in an hour and a half last year.

Whatever your plans are I hope you have a great day and night!

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Retreat, Explore, Gratitude, Breathe

I’m a little behind. I just don’t have photos for some of these. Plus, several could be used for the same days. So pardon the similar pictures, but there’s a trend in my life of exploring the outdoors on nice days which brings me peace.

Day 16 Retreat
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My forest of solitude. Walking here just about always helps ease my mind. It is my small retreat from the world.

Day 17 Explore
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Where am I in my grief? I’m a little better I think. Less depressed most days. Hopeful for the future most days. Still always insanely jealous of others who seemingly easily get and stay pregnant without the struggles so many of us face. Still angry as hell that I had to suffer, and am still suffering. If life was a person I’d kick it right in the balls. I really don’t think grief ever ends. Not this kind. I feel like grief visits sometimes briefly, sometimes for an extended stay. But it’s always just around the corner.

Day 18 Gratitude
(Insert pretty photo here)

I am thankful for my husband. He has been the most amazing person through everything. Without him by my side, and carrying me occasionally, I’d be lost. ❤

For my friends, one in particular who really understands my struggles. She is empathetic. I’m more grateful for her than she knows I think. When others were too busy being fake, she was real.

For my family. My mom and my in laws really stepped up and helped me out in every way. I’d be in such a bad place right now if it weren’t for them.

For this community. All of you bloggers. Your kind words through my story helped me and brought smiles when needed most. Reading your stories let me know I wasn’t alone. You still let me know I’m not crazy for thinking the things I do and for feeling the way I do.
So many of you write on a topic that I’ve been thinking of for days and it’s like you’re writing my thoughts and feelings. Like blogging esp. Thank you.

Day 20 Breathe
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Taking the time to breathe and notice the simple beauty around me. Something I’ve been unable to do all summer. But now in fall it’s gotten easier. Most days. Even the yuck gray days I’m finding happiness and beauty or nostalgia in. I only have this one life. I’ve always been the stop and smell the roses type. So, be that person again. Why waste any more days being miserable? If I can help it…

Day 13: Season

Capture Your Grief
Day 13: Season
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Spring is the season I got pregnant in. Spring is when I had to have the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy. Summer is when my tube burst and it ended officially.
So spring is the season I associate with my baby and being pregnant. It is supposed to be a season of new beginnings. I haven’t gone through a spring since the ectopic so only time will tell how I deal with it.

Day 12: Music

Capture Your Grief

Day 12: Music

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So I’ve decided that I’m only doing the capture your grief projects that I can do. I realized lately that some don’t really apply to me or I can’t get my own photos to go with them. Or I just don’t feel like going into that topic that day.

Music is one I can do. I’ve already posted lyrics to a song that struck a chord with me this week.

Today’s post is part of the song Halo by Beyonce. It’s about her miscarriage. This one reminds me of my ectopic experience for several reasons. 1) Listening to the song and the story behind it finally helped Mr. Big feel our loss. He needed it. I needed him to feel it finally. It took him about 4 months to get there. 2) The first paragraph resonates with me. My loss helped me really understand just how much I want to be a mother. Our pea was only here with me for a short time, but in those 2 months I managed to get attached. It was a pea, a cluster of cells, but it broke down my walls. It was more than that to me. He was my baby.

Whole Damn Year

I heard this song on my way to work this evening. Whole Damn Year by Mary J. Blige. Certain parts of the lyrics sum up my whole damn year.

“And yes, I’m good on the surface,
but I’m a mess, I’m a mess underneath
See winter took the most of my heart
The spring punched right in the stomach,
Summer came looking for blood,
And by autumn, I was left with nothing!”

Winter, I was struggling with depression and fixing issues in my marriage. Heart.

Spring, I found out I was pregnant, and it was ectopic. Stomach.

Summer, my tube ruptured and the pregnancy was removed. Blood.

Autumn, my body is emptier and not functioning. I have no baby, and no chance of having one at the present moment. Nothing.

Whole. Damn. Year.

Day 9: In Memory

Capture Your Grief
Day 9: In Memory

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I’m skipping day 8, resources, for now.

I decided fairly quickly after the ectopic that I wanted a tattoo in memory of the lost pea. But what? I thought of a pea but just a tattoo of a pea doesn’t make sense. So I thought sweet pea, the flower. Maybe one unopened such as my above quick sketch with some pink and blue water color brush stroke effects in the background. The unopened aspect has obvious significance as does the pink and blue background. Obviously it will look better than my sketch. I was thinking of putting it on my left side low abdomen which is where the ectopic was. But since my weight gain I’m not so sure I want it there. I’m still not decided on all this but it’s a thought. I want something for the little pea.

Day 7: Sacred Place

Capture Your Grief

Day 7: Sacred Place

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I don’t have a photo of the places I usually go for walks, but Mr. Big and I went for a great one over the weekend. This is the first rainbow I’ve seen since the ectopic. Let’s hope a rainbow of another sort appears soon.

Being out in nature always makes me think about things. Especially in the fall. I feel more connected to our little pea and other lost loved ones outside, preferably in solitude.