Happy Halloween

Here’s an article I found on dealing with Halloween when childless and struggling to conceive.

I’m going with the don’t even be home method. We were lucky enough to get invited to a party tonight and jumped at the offer. At our neighborhood the inner city kids get bussed in to trick or treat because it’s too dangerous in their neighborhood. But we had 18 year olds and moms not dressed up with their infants who were out as well. We went through 5 bags of candy and our personal stash in an hour and a half last year.

Whatever your plans are I hope you have a great day and night!

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Waiting for O day

Waiting to ovulate. Story of my life these days huh?

I have femara in my possession and am on day 3 of taking it. I’ve never been so excited to take a drug made for cancer patients.  Here’s to ovulating! Let’s hope. To the big O, and beyond.

I’d like to do acupuncture as well this cycle but I just don’t have the extra money.  So it’s all up to femara.  My doc said I can try femara for 3 cycles and then I’ll officially be sent to a RE and probably for injectables. But, that’s not my plan.  Come new year, if I’m not pregnant then I’m starting vitex and maca root etc. Assuming I do actually ovulate on femara. Either way I’ll probably see the RE.

Round 1

The other night I attended a networking event for local female entrepreneurs.  It was the first time I had to have a conversation about my loss with a stranger.  This woman was in skin care, and asked about my skin issues. I told her I have acne that won’t go away due to my hormones being messed up from being pregnant.  Am I nursing? No I’m not.  So I have a little one at home huh? No. I don’t. The pregnancy ended badly. Cue the deafening sound of the conversation coming to an awkward screeching halt. So it ended badly is all I could say about it. Next time I’ll do better. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for her. Because my shitty life made her uncomfortable. I’m shaking my head.

Round 2

Last night I went to a halloween party with a bunch of people I’ve never met, and who know nothing about my ectopic and infertility struggles. I’m an introvert. It’s an effort to open up in situations like that. But there was a seemingly cool young woman there so I struck up a conversation. Trying to make friends and mingle. Trying to have some semblance of normalcy. I even drank some hard cider!

Within minutes I realized that approaching this 26 year old woman was a mistake. I had found fertile fucking myrtle of all people! 26, engaged for years but not married, 3 unplanned kids. Smoked cigarettes and pot the entire time she was pregnant and her kids turned out fine so far. (Never would have pegged her for that type by looking at her.)

She asked if we had kids, and all I said was not yet but we were trying. How old are we? 30. Oh well it’s good that you waited that long! It’s a good thing to be out of your 20’s before having a kid. Bit my tongue a lot there. I’m not exactly waiting by choice you bimbo! Yes I have a baby but he didn’t survive you insensitive ass! If he had survived I’d still be pregnant and not smoking anything because I’d actually care about my baby you twit!

Then all night long I had her camera and phone shoved in my face with pictures of all her kids and their many poses. Forcing a fake smile and nod through it all. God forbid I make someone else feel uncomfortable this week. This is what I get for trying to come out of my shell. This is what I get for thinking I can ever be normal. This is what happens when I try to make a friend or mingle.

I eventually just shut up and tried to pretend I was really engrossed in the game of beer pong being played in front of me. So then she had to ask if I was fighting with Mr. Big. Nope. Was it her? Had she upset me? Grit my teeth. Nope. Had she said something? Grit harder. Nope. Just leave me alone, I silently wished.

Mr. Big was standing on the other side of the room watching me. He said he watched the progression on my face. It went from ok, to annoyed, to pissed, to oh shit this dumb broad is going to get kicked. So he came over and without saying even 1 complete sentence to eachother he knew exactly what was wrong. Of course he thinks of her and the situation the same way I do. Luckily she left us alone for the rest of the night. Guess I just can’t fake it like I used to. Frankly my dear I just don’t give a damn. Screw the fertile’s comfort.

I had thought at one brief point that I’d take her aside and explain why I was upset. But then I thought, nah.

I tapped out after that. No more, you win. Let me go lick my wounds in a quiet, smoke-free corner.

Today I feel like crap. Tired because we didn’t go to bed until 3am which is way past any bed time of mine in like a year. Headaches all day which I’m guessing is the femara side effects starting. Feeling sick because all I can smell are cigarettes. I got way too much second hand smoke last night. It’s not in my hair or on my clothes. It’s in my lungs. How freaking gross. Never going to be in that situation again. Keeping my distance from now on. Screw mingling. Nausea is how I’m ending my night. Also a femara side effect I think. (Maybe?) Or a mixture of that and the smoke sickness.

Halloween we have another party to attend. With hopefully more people that we actually know. Hopefully with less smoking or more of an option to escape too. Maybe, I’ll even ovulate. 🙂

Retreat, Explore, Gratitude, Breathe

I’m a little behind. I just don’t have photos for some of these. Plus, several could be used for the same days. So pardon the similar pictures, but there’s a trend in my life of exploring the outdoors on nice days which brings me peace.

Day 16 Retreat
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My forest of solitude. Walking here just about always helps ease my mind. It is my small retreat from the world.

Day 17 Explore
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Where am I in my grief? I’m a little better I think. Less depressed most days. Hopeful for the future most days. Still always insanely jealous of others who seemingly easily get and stay pregnant without the struggles so many of us face. Still angry as hell that I had to suffer, and am still suffering. If life was a person I’d kick it right in the balls. I really don’t think grief ever ends. Not this kind. I feel like grief visits sometimes briefly, sometimes for an extended stay. But it’s always just around the corner.

Day 18 Gratitude
(Insert pretty photo here)

I am thankful for my husband. He has been the most amazing person through everything. Without him by my side, and carrying me occasionally, I’d be lost. ❤

For my friends, one in particular who really understands my struggles. She is empathetic. I’m more grateful for her than she knows I think. When others were too busy being fake, she was real.

For my family. My mom and my in laws really stepped up and helped me out in every way. I’d be in such a bad place right now if it weren’t for them.

For this community. All of you bloggers. Your kind words through my story helped me and brought smiles when needed most. Reading your stories let me know I wasn’t alone. You still let me know I’m not crazy for thinking the things I do and for feeling the way I do.
So many of you write on a topic that I’ve been thinking of for days and it’s like you’re writing my thoughts and feelings. Like blogging esp. Thank you.

Day 20 Breathe
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Taking the time to breathe and notice the simple beauty around me. Something I’ve been unable to do all summer. But now in fall it’s gotten easier. Most days. Even the yuck gray days I’m finding happiness and beauty or nostalgia in. I only have this one life. I’ve always been the stop and smell the roses type. So, be that person again. Why waste any more days being miserable? If I can help it…

Day 13: Season

Capture Your Grief
Day 13: Season
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Spring is the season I got pregnant in. Spring is when I had to have the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy. Summer is when my tube burst and it ended officially.
So spring is the season I associate with my baby and being pregnant. It is supposed to be a season of new beginnings. I haven’t gone through a spring since the ectopic so only time will tell how I deal with it.

Day 12: Music

Capture Your Grief

Day 12: Music

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So I’ve decided that I’m only doing the capture your grief projects that I can do. I realized lately that some don’t really apply to me or I can’t get my own photos to go with them. Or I just don’t feel like going into that topic that day.

Music is one I can do. I’ve already posted lyrics to a song that struck a chord with me this week.

Today’s post is part of the song Halo by Beyonce. It’s about her miscarriage. This one reminds me of my ectopic experience for several reasons. 1) Listening to the song and the story behind it finally helped Mr. Big feel our loss. He needed it. I needed him to feel it finally. It took him about 4 months to get there. 2) The first paragraph resonates with me. My loss helped me really understand just how much I want to be a mother. Our pea was only here with me for a short time, but in those 2 months I managed to get attached. It was a pea, a cluster of cells, but it broke down my walls. It was more than that to me. He was my baby.

Day 9: In Memory

Capture Your Grief
Day 9: In Memory

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I’m skipping day 8, resources, for now.

I decided fairly quickly after the ectopic that I wanted a tattoo in memory of the lost pea. But what? I thought of a pea but just a tattoo of a pea doesn’t make sense. So I thought sweet pea, the flower. Maybe one unopened such as my above quick sketch with some pink and blue water color brush stroke effects in the background. The unopened aspect has obvious significance as does the pink and blue background. Obviously it will look better than my sketch. I was thinking of putting it on my left side low abdomen which is where the ectopic was. But since my weight gain I’m not so sure I want it there. I’m still not decided on all this but it’s a thought. I want something for the little pea.

Day 7: Sacred Place

Capture Your Grief

Day 7: Sacred Place

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I don’t have a photo of the places I usually go for walks, but Mr. Big and I went for a great one over the weekend. This is the first rainbow I’ve seen since the ectopic. Let’s hope a rainbow of another sort appears soon.

Being out in nature always makes me think about things. Especially in the fall. I feel more connected to our little pea and other lost loved ones outside, preferably in solitude.

Day 6: Books

Capture Your Grief
Day 6: Books

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I originally thought I had nothing for today. Yesterday really since I’m behind. I love to read. Mr. Big and I have entirely too many books. But none on child loss/pregnancy loss/grief. What I read that helped me are your stories. So my photo is a small sample of some of the blogs I’m following. Thank you all!

Falling off the wagon.

Ok, I took a running dive off the damn thing this weekend.

I indulged this weekend, to say the least. Pretty sure I’ve got a good start on clogging some arteries, bringing on diabetes, and killing my liver. Why? Because I stopped giving a damn. Because I’m so pissed off at my body. Because what’s another 5 lbs on top of the 15 I gained courtesy of my whacked out hormones. Because it’s not like I’m ovulating so I can’t hurt anything right now anyways. I’m a cynical bitch.

But this has got to stop. The depression and anger aren’t being helped by beer, wine, sugar, and cheese. In fact it makes it ten times worse. The fertility, or lack there of, certainly isn’t being helped.

This weekend was go out with a bang weekend. “Eat all the things!!!” Tomorrow I start taking care of my body again. If I really want to attempt to grow a human I’ve got to start now.

I’ve done the advocare 24 day challenge with great results a year ago. But it’s $200 (I’m broke) and you can’t take it if you get pregnant. So, I’ll do the food side without the pills. Basically it’s a common sense lifestyle change.

No sugar.
No simple carbs.
Limit carbs as much as possible, and make them complex.
Protein, veggies, some fruit.
No processed crap.
No fats like butter. *cries*
Limited dairy.
Portion control!
Basically if I don’t make it, I don’t eat it. Unless it’s grilled. Or salad with no dressing.

Cardio, cardio, cardio, barre. 💪

I just need to stay motivated. I need to handcuff myself to the wagon with instructions for everyone not to release me, no matter what I say or how I beg.

It’s going to be a big change. I’m going to be shell shocked. It’s not going to be easy. Mr. Big will bring all sorts of sugar and deliciousness into the house and I MUST ignore it.

I also want to get a yoga for fertility DVD once I have some $. There’s a fertility center nearby that’s doing a yoga for fertility class that I might try to attend. I’m not a client there so I’m not sure if I can though.

Wish me luck. I’ll need it. I need to be strong and determined. I need to have faith that it’ll be better and worth it in the long run.