I’m still here. Kind of. 

*Pregnancy mentioned* I do remember what it was like in the trenches. 

Ok first I swear I had a draft typed up of an update. Like months ago. But no idea what happened to it. 

After the Halloween bleed I had no more. It was just the suppositories irritating the cervix. Bleeding does not always mean the end. But try telling a hormonal pregnant woman with infertility and loss ptsd that. 

Weaning off the meds was terrifying and liberating. But mainly terrifying. All was ok though. I learned to trust my body a little. 

I wanted to update here. I wanted to write. But I was afraid. Afraid that talking about it would somehow jynx it. Also I didn’t want to hurt those in the trenches. I know how hard it is to read the daily or weekly bump updates. I didn’t want to be that person. Here’s a little. 

My pregnancy was very easy. Not mentally. I was a basket case always torn between waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying to enjoy every second of being pregnant. I love being pregnant. I had several colds. Which sucked. And the worst heartburn of my life. I was as big as a house. My butt grew like 3 sizes. But I loved it all. 

Once I finish my birth story I’ll put it here in more detail. 

My lo was due July 4.  He decided to come a month early. Landed himself in the nicu for just over a week. Which felt like a month. Time stands still in nicu. Much like I imagine time in hell would. If I believed in hell. But that’s another story. 

He was the biggest preemie in the nicu at 7lbs 5oz. He had an atrial flutter discovered at my routine ob apt at 35 weeks. They had to take him early. 

He was colicky. He has gerd. He has milk and soy allergies. He has breastfeeding issues so I have to exclusively pump. He is a high needs baby. (Google the dr sears explanation of that). He is allergic to sleep apparently. He has not let me put him down since birth. He is so much more intense than I ever imagined. 

And I know I should be so lucky. But holy hell is it hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is be his mother. But yes it’s worth it. So very worth it. He is perfect to me. 

Don’t get me started on my marriage either. That’s a whole other blog. Colic and gerd and screaming and allergies and never sleeping and more screaming reallllyy takes a toll…

So as you see I have had no time. None for my marriage. None for myself. None for this blog. Once I do get the time I will go into more detail. Of the birth. Of the nicu. Of marriage post baby. Of it all. 

I have not forgotten you. In the trenches. On the other side with me. Just starting your journey. 

I’ll be back. (Bonus points if you read that in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice) (what kind of name is Arnold anyways) 

So then…

*trigger warning*

We did our first FET with 2 beautiful embryos this month. Things I did different:

Lost 8lbs before the transfer

Neupogen wash & Intralipids 5 days prior to transfer

Hcg wash at transfer

Got sick with a head cold the day before transfer and am still recovering 😒

I was also on dexamethasone, metformin, synthroid, coq10, estrace, PIO, endometrian

My beta was Monday. So naturally I was planning on poas Sunday morning. Saturday night I had a dream I had twins. I was thanking and hugging my RE. And of course crying. Sunday I woke up and poas and actually got a BFP! Cue the freaking out and tears. Beta was 276 at 9 days past transfer. We transferred 1 day 5 and 1 day 6. Today 2nd beta was 580! So more than double, which is perfect. The nurses said that’s a high number and could possibly point to twins. 😊 

I’m beyond excited, but so nervous. I know too well that things can go south any second.  But if my ectopic loss taught me anything it’s to live in the present tense. Today I am pregnant. No matter what the future brings I will enjoy being pregnant today. As surreal as it feels. ❤️

From hope to hell.

I became a human pin cushion. I looked like a damn junkie. Both arms had ‘track marks’ from the blood work every couple of days.

In a normal, viable pregnancy your hcg levels should double every 48-72 hours until week 11-12. Mine were right on track. Obviously the nurse’s miscarriage call (little miss can’t be wrong) was for nothing.

What did this mean? Either great news and I had a healthy pregnancy, or horrible news and it was ectopic. Story of my life. Only another ultrasound could tell. But again I couldn’t help getting my hopes up slightly. Just wishing it would be healthy. Normal. Something go right for a change.

Upon discovering my normal rising hcg levels, my ob wanted me to go to the emergency room immediately. She wanted me to get an ultrasound. I was spotting again after having stopped for a week. My uterus felt like it was growing. I still had slight cramping/twinges on mainly my left side. Pregnancy symptoms were the same, plus fatigue and lightheadedness.

My husband had just left town for a few days on work so I was alone. I decided to wait until the next morning -Friday the 13th- to get the ultrasound. Meanwhile, just making sure I wasn’t bleeding through more than a pad an hour or in so much pain that I couldn’t walk.

Side note: Pads. You mean unstable, messy, half diapers? Ugh. I have been a tampon convert since I figured out how to use them. But apparently tampons introduce bacteria into a place you don’t want it. When you’re pregnant or have surgery you HAVE to use pads. Not the scented ones because they’re as bad as tampons. Don’t even get me started on the scented tampons. I mean, really? What’s the point ladies?
You’re not a scratch-n-sniff.

I finally had to let my mom know I was pregnant, just in case anything did happen. We had been keeping our not-preventing-pregnancy a secret since we started. I hadn’t planned on telling anyone if I got pregnant until after the miscarriage risk went down at the 3 month mark. So that of course was emotional. Followed by a don’t get too excited because this may end badly speech.

I woke up the morning of my second ultrasound feeling better than I had in weeks. I was very hopeful, very positive. Things would be ok. Our little pea would be in the right spot. Maybe I’d even get to hear a heartbeat.

**************
Hindsight is 20/20. Every time I had a day where I felt better, things just got worse. What I only briefly considered that morning was that I was feeling better because my pregnancy symptoms had lessened.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life where feeling like crap is a good and necessary thing.

An ectopic is a non viable pregnancy. It cannot be saved. Eventually the fetus runs out of room to grow. The hcg will stop doubling. Symptoms will dissipate.
***************

This time, a different lab. I had a tech who actually talked to me AND I could watch everything. I saw a mass the size of my ovary in my tube next to my left ovary. 😦 The head of the lab had to come in to discuss. He assured me that he was 99% right that it was ectopic. My scans looked just like the rest of the ectopics do. He could never say that he was 100% accurate though.

That bothers me. I know a lot of pregnancies are misdiagnosed as ectopic to err on the side of caution. Couldn’t we figure out a fool proof 100% sure way to tell an ectopic from a viable pregnancy by now?

Regardless, I had 2 options. Go home and see if it resolved itself naturally which is a death sentence when it comes to ectopics. Or, go to the ER and get a shot of methotrexate to “dissolve the pregnancy”. I did not want to possibly die so I chose the latter. The head of the lab felt the need to personally walk me to the ER. He was pretty concerned. I guess having something the size of your ovary in your tube will do that.

Next chapter: The ER, methotrexate, emotions.

First pregnant ob visit.

Everyone in the Obgyn office was so excited for me after my second test of the day revealed a bun in the oven. The pelvic exam looked normal. My uterus was growing as expected. There were so many smiles and congratulations. But my ob was cautious as there was a possibility of ectopic pregnancy. The spotting and cramping were a cause for concern for all of us. Probably not ectopic, but we better do an ultrasound to be sure.

In all the movies and tv shows I’ve seen an ultrasound is simple. Cold gel on the abdomen and a device gliding on top. A smiling tech explains everything to you and all is well. You go on about your day with a print of your jelly bean in hand, and smile plastered on your glowing face.

First of all, I was unaware that your bladder needed to be full to the point of bursting in order to get a good ultrasound. You’ve seen these just popped water balloon photos right? Yeah.
image

The gel was freezing, the room was dark, the tech barely spoke English and refused to say anything descriptive. We were not able to look at the screen.

Then she brought out a wand with a magnum condom on it. You know where that went. Highly uncomfortable. But at least she let me go release the water balloon pressure first.

After more silence she got her superior who reviewed the images and proceeded to tell us they couldn’t see anything and that they were sorry. They slowly backed out of the room like they thought I would burst into tears or lunge angrily at them. Truth is, I knew it was too early anyways. Turns out my hcg (the ‘pregnancy’ hormone that appears in your blood and then in urine and gives you a positive test result) was only at 1300 and you won’t see anything on an ultrasound until it hits 1500. I was still hopeful.

As I mentioned in the last post I was off to California. In the airport almost boarding my plane a nurse from my ob office called. Due to the ultrasound test alone she concluded that I was miscarrying. Hello misinformation! I specifically asked her if she could be wrong and of course, there was no way she was wrong.

I was obviously upset. But I had a nagging feeling she was wrong. I did some online research and discovered that it was definitely too early to see anything and continued just enjoying being pregnant. Hubby and me with our little pea got to walk in the Pacific Ocean for the first time-all together. I think our time in Cali was the only time I was able to really absorb and relish being pregnant. 🙂

Pacific
Next chapter: Coming home, being a human pin cushion, going to the emergency room.

Getting pregnant after the pill.

My husband and I had our 2 year anniversary this May. We had only recently decided (in April) that we definitely wanted to have a child. To be honest my husband’s clock was ticking, but I could not hear mine. It took me longer to come around to the idea of having a kid. But once we were both on the same page we decided, like many couples, to not actively try for a baby but to not prevent one. In other words, I stopped taking birth control. That was the end of April.

After a little online research I had convinced myself that it would take at least a few months for the effects of the pill to exit my system. WRONG. Within a week or two, I was unknowingly pregnant. I had symptoms but since I had been on the pill for 15 years I had no idea what my ovulation/pms symptoms would be. Or when they would be. I had bled for 9 straight months before being put on the pill in the first place.

My symptoms (some may be tmi): Vivid dreams that I remembered, strong & dark urine, a different but not bad smell down yonder, sore nips (1st sign), sore boobs, frequent urination, bloating like crazy, emotional, stronger sense of smell, metallic taste in my mouth, increased nasal mucus, increased cervical mucus, cramping, spotting. You can’t say I didn’t warn you about being tmi. 😉

I assumed all my symptoms were Aunt Flo getting ready to grace me with her presence. In case you don’t know, ovulation/AF/pregnancy symptoms are all very similar. Some mean trick by Mother Nature. As if bleeding once a month, having boobs & estrogen, pushing a melon through a keyhole, and all the other fun that comes with being a woman isn’t enough.

First home pregnancy test a couple weeks later was a big fat negative. I was still convinced Aunt Flo was coming. Right around the time my period tracker app said AF would come, I started spotting. Still, I was assuming that time of the month was upon me. 10 days of spotting (and some cramping) later I got my BFP (big fat positive).
Bfp

I immediately went to target to get a little batman onesie (my husband has a slight batman obsession). I should also mention Father’s Day was upon us and if I could have found the perfect card I would have gotten that as well. I mean, how perfect right? I put the onesie in a decorative box and waited for DH (darling husband) to get home from work. His birthday was at the end of the month and I told him it was an early present. Of course after the shock wore off he was thrilled. The shock was because I had managed to convince him too it would take a while to get knocked up after being on the pill for 15 years.

We were flying across the country bright and early the next morning to sunny California. So, since I knew spotting and cramping weren’t great signs in early pregnancy I got myself into my Obgyn immediately. Another pee test confirmation, a looking good pelvic exam, blood work, and an ultrasound.

Next chapter: The first ob visit.

Hello!

Hi cyberverse! I’m not big on small talk so let’s cut to the chase shall we? This year I went through getting pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, having the tube rupture, having surgery, and starting to heal. It was my first and so far only pregnancy. With lots of drama and emotions in between.

I have found a surprising lack of info, support, and discussion about this common occurrence. Especially in the USA. The last I read, 1 in 50 pregnancies is ectopic. Something like 1 in 5 pregnancies will end. (Ectopic, miscarriage, still birth etc).

Until this year I had never even heard the term “ectopic pregnancy”.

Oh sure in health class in school we took how to make a baby 101 and learned that an std would kill you or drive you insane. But the word ectopic never came up.

Ectopic pregnancy is the number 1 cause of death in the first trimester.

I’m starting this blog for several reasons. Not in any specific order: 1) I love to write. Writing is therapeutic for me. Given that I went through a trauma I figured this would help. 2) To raise awareness of the serious and common danger of ectopic pregnancies. 3) To let others who have been through this and worse know that they are in fact not alone. 4) If I can make even one person feel better or comfort them in any way then I will be happy.

I’m trying to put my story out there with as much detail as I can. For those of us going through this when researching online the devil is in the details. I’ll try to be thorough. If I leave things out I will edit later. I’m always editing in my life. I’ll try to cut it up into more easily digestible chunks for you. It may take some time before I’m caught up with where I am right now. I honestly can’t wait until it’s all out and back to the present tense.

Also, for convenience sake I’m writing most of these on my phone. Autocorrect sucks. Please excuse the random if instead of of and whatever else slips through.

Happy reading! Thank you for stopping by!