So then…

*trigger warning*

We did our first FET with 2 beautiful embryos this month. Things I did different:

Lost 8lbs before the transfer

Neupogen wash & Intralipids 5 days prior to transfer

Hcg wash at transfer

Got sick with a head cold the day before transfer and am still recovering 😒

I was also on dexamethasone, metformin, synthroid, coq10, estrace, PIO, endometrian

My beta was Monday. So naturally I was planning on poas Sunday morning. Saturday night I had a dream I had twins. I was thanking and hugging my RE. And of course crying. Sunday I woke up and poas and actually got a BFP! Cue the freaking out and tears. Beta was 276 at 9 days past transfer. We transferred 1 day 5 and 1 day 6. Today 2nd beta was 580! So more than double, which is perfect. The nurses said that’s a high number and could possibly point to twins. 😊 

I’m beyond excited, but so nervous. I know too well that things can go south any second.  But if my ectopic loss taught me anything it’s to live in the present tense. Today I am pregnant. No matter what the future brings I will enjoy being pregnant today. As surreal as it feels. ❤️

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I’m alive

I’m not dead yet. I promise.

 I just literally can’t even. I hope you read that in the most basic white girl voice possible. I wish I could have a pumpkin spice latte right now. 

I just wanted to say hi. And I’m still on a blogging break. I don’t want to think or talk about IF for a while. Hence, being MIA here. Still here in the trenches. Still not pregnant surprise surprise. 

 That being said IF and not being pregnant is still of course all I think about. It’s still consuming. It still sucks and hurts. I still walk out of the room mumbling when my coworkers start talking about having babies. Because they’re naively planning. And for those lucky bitches it probably will go as planned. It probably will be easy. 

I’ll be back. After halloween. Baby dust to you all. 

Ain’t no sunshine 

Today was a bad day for a lot of us IFers. My 3rd IVF transfer was a bfn. As usual. So many others cycling with me IRL and online also got the bfn today. Today just sucks. Instead of a single line on the pee stick it should just have a middle finger pop up. Same thing right? 

So the baby growing in my tube that was created the moment we decided to start tying to have a baby grew like a fucking weed right? Grew so damn well it almost killed me. But 5 perfect embryos carefully, painstakingly created and placed just so in a warm cushy uterus with plenty of progesterone and estrogen won’t implant. Not even a chemical pregnancy. Zilch. 

To say I’m frustrated and pissed off is an understatement. 

Luckily we have some frozen. Thank you HGH! FETs for us now. I’ve never done one so I’ve got no idea what to expect. 

As I may have mentioned before, I love to write. I used to be pretty damn good at it. My genius was born of my pain. 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” -Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. You just sit down at the typewriter and bleed.” -Hemingway again? I forget who. 

I’ve not been inspired through this whole process. I’ve been through enough pain. Physical and emotional. But I have no words. I feel like after this, after it works or doesn’t, is when it’ll all come gushing out. Like right now I’ve got a tourniquet on. And after some sort of ending, I’ll release it…

Maybe I’ll be healing by then. Or maybe the wound will refuse to close and I’ll still be bleeding everywhere. 

Another tww

We are in a two week wait again. Wait two weeks for another baseline appointment because my ovaries are still too pissed off and active. I’m on birth control for the next two weeks to try to calm them down, or let them calm down rather. Two weeks might not be enough time. We might have to wait even longer. It’s bs. I’m so disappointed. I don’t have time to waste. But other than sing lullabies to my ovaries, there’s not much I can do. But wait…

So Fresh

I left off with our bfn IVF cycle. I thought we would do a fet with our one frozen embaby. But Mr. Big and I are so scared of the single frostie not surviving the thaw and wasting all that time and a cycle. We really only have until the end of this year to make this work, thanks to insurance and $ issues. 

So we decided to go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. To maybe get more embryos to freeze. Given what happened last cycle, that’s a big maybe. I called my clinic and got a call back from the big guy personally. The owner/creator/head RE/fertility god. I haven’t even met him yet since he was on vacation my last cycle. But he’s back now! He said that us getting 25 eggs and winding up with only 2 embryos was very unusual and something was wrong. (No shit) 

He said that most of the eggs were bad quality. He’s changing up the stim drug (menopur now instead of gonal f) and putting me on a ketogenic diet. High fat, some protein, no grain, no gluten, low carb. I have instructions to eat lots of kale and fish. 

So we will hopefully have enough good embryos to do another fresh transfer and put another one (or ten! Haha I wish) on ice. I’m very aware that frozen transfers can work better as your body is less messed up from all the drugs. That’s why I want to get more on ice. I’ll probably only transfer one for the fresh cycle. 

Of course all this is IF it even works. If menopur agrees with me. If my strict diet is enough. We could wind up with nothing. But I refuse to think that will happen. I’m really trying to go into this positively. 

And here on the worst Mother’s Day for me yet, I wait for Aunt Flo. Last Mother’s Day I was unaware I had just gotten pregnant. That ended weeks later. This one, I just lost a perfectly good embaby that seems to never have attached. 

IVF bfn are really hard. With all the other tries I never knew if the embryo even existed. This time everything was “perfect”. There’s no reason it shouldn’t have worked. Our embaby was excellent quality. My lining was great. (I do know that even though an embryo is excellent quality it doesn’t mean it was genetically normal. Only 50% are. We can’t afford the testing to find out.) 

Did you use menopur for stims? How did it work for you? Specifically if you have pcos too. 

bffn

So today was beta day. According to FRER this morning I’m not pregnant. The nurse with the sad voice confirmed the beta is negative too. 

Next step? Aside from wine (lots of wine) and rare steak? FET. As soon as I start bleeding our fet cycle starts. I’m already petrified. We only have one embaby on ice. If it doesn’t survive the thaw, it’s a waste of a month and cycle. I won’t know if it thaws ok until an hour or so before the transfer. The clinic is 2 hours away. 

I only have until the end of this year to get as many cycles in as possible. That’s it. If no baby by New Year’s Eve, then no baby ever. I can’t afford to waste time. Especially when I produce a ton of shit eggs, apparently. Not a shit ton. A ton of shit. Or a shit ton of shit. 

This week has been hell. I lost my only source of income. And DH can’t support both of us. Getting a job is really tough around here. Unless I want to work at mcdonalds. Nope. And now a bfn of our beautiful embaby. There was no reason that it shouldn’t have worked. The cherry on the sundae? Fucking Mother’s Day is Sunday. Last year at this time I had just gotten pregnant. Just conceived. My one pregnancy that ended horribly weeks later. 

I need to win the lotto (but can’t afford to play) and need to win the pregnancy lotto too. 

I honestly don’t know how much I’ll blog about the next cycles. I’m understandably feeling pretty down and discouraged. I just don’t know if I want to write about it. We’ll see I guess. But if and when I disappear, don’t be shocked. I’ll be back to update at the end of each cycle I’m sure. But that’s it. I will be active on twitter though. As I have been. You can find me @myectopic. Wish me luck. I need it. 

Transfer

I woke up at 5am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Partly because it felt like Christmas morning. Partly because my butt hurt so bad and was spasming thanks to the PIO shot. 😖

When it was time, I put on my lucky kitty socks from My Perfect Breakdown and grabbed the very positive book she sent me. 

  
I’m ready.

I got accupuncture just before the transfer. As well as a Valium to relax the muscles so there was no spasming or contracting. If you have the option and are not driving yourself, take the Valium! 

The RE came in and showed us or embryos. We wound up with 1 graded 4AB and 1 graded 3 AA. Given our circumstance he/we decided to put one in and freeze the other. The 3AA is frozen (I just hope it thaws when we need it). The 4AB is hopefully making a home in my uterus. Which was “standing upright” for the procedure. I’ve never heard that before. Thanks swollen ovaries. So naturally it took him 4 tries to get the practice catheter in place. The loaded catheter went in fine. There was discomfort. There was pressure. There was pinching. But no part of this process is comfortable, is it? It was quick though. I layed down for a little after that and went home, where I got more acupuncture. 

Acupuncture really helped. It warmed me up and seriously relaxed me. I’m going back for “implantation acupuncture” Saturday. 

I’m taking it easy today. But not on bed rest. Apparently the uterus likes you to sit up, not lay down, and have light movement. According to Mr. Big’s research anyways. 

My blood pregnancy test is Friday May 8th. I have no idea how long it takes to get those results. Wishing for a sticky, healthy embaby. 

Mr. Big has really stepped up. I’m on progesterone now which my body loves. So I’m not such an emotional wreck. I’m sure that helps us both. But I think it’s finally ‘real’ for him. He got to see the embaby on the ultrasound in my upright uterus. He’s looking up all sorts of info on what to do in the TWW and how to take care of me. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. 

Sidenote, I never had to really think about all the things you need to do and not do when pregnant. I didn’t think I would be. And I’m not yet. PUPO is a bit different. But I need to eat and act pregnant. The nurse said to avoid salmon because of the mercury. I thought salmon was one of the better ones?  If you have credible sources I can look up of what to do and what not to do, could you post a link? It’s very odd to act pregnant with an embaby on board. And I want to take care of it! What do you do in the IVF TWW? 

25

Egg collection or retrieval or whatever you want to call it happened 24 hours ago. 

We got 25 eggs. I’m waiting on a call this morning to tell me how many fertilized and when our transfer will be. 

The embryologist talked me into ICSI which I was very against going into it. But now I know that they select only sperm that “aren’t chasing their tails” and have good motility and morphology. They also can look at the eggs and their maturity with ICSI versus regular fertilization. ICSI has a slightly higher rate of fertilization as well. 

I’ve got to tell you, I’ve felt like increasing crap every single day since this IVF cycle started. I’ve been a bloated hormonal mess who may or may not have fantasized briefly about torturing or maming Mr. Big. I saw someone write about sitting down and feeling as though she’s sitting on her ovaries, and I get it now. I felt like I was sitting on them and walking on them. My point is, I don’t want to go through stims again. (The growing of the eggs, stimulating the ovaries). So I need max fertilization odds. 

However, I’m not sure if my insurance covers ICSI. They cover the rest of IVF. In the moment I totally forgot about $. If they don’t cover it, I’m screwed. And it’s kind of too late now. ICSI is $$$$. On top of the several thousand I already spent on meds. If I need to cover the ICSI portion, idk what I’ll do. But I’m trying not to worry about that now. 

Even though I don’t know when the transfer will be yet, I do know when my beta (or blood hcg or blood pregnancy test) is. Friday May 8.  2 weeks from my retrieval. And yes, I’ll be peeing on a stick before that appointment. I’m weak. And impatient. 

Another note on retrieval…the aftermath is freaking painful! I’m on Tylenol and using a heating pad and it still really hurts. Better 24 hours later after a good sleep but not where I can do my job (fitness instructor) or do much of anything. Going to the bathroom is surprisingly painful too. Tmi. But it feels like I’m going to pee my ovaries right out! That’s also getting better (I think?).

Now I have a whole bunch of meds I have to shove up my who ha and progesterone in oil to shoot up. I’ve heard nightmares about PIO. I have no idea how to use it either. Going to call the clinic to get details. I’m sure I’ll update when I hear how the fertilization is going. Fingers crossed. I guess fingers are just crossed for the next 2 weeks. And beyond. 
Also, if you nominated me for a blog award could you please comment? I know I have several out there I need to address, but it’s not showing up in my notifications. Thanks! 

IVF 1 update 

My ovaries are huge and full of eggs. Over 20 on the right and just less on the left. I’m under instruction to move as little as possible. No long walks. No exercise. No ‘jiggling the ovaries’. The nurses were kind of amazed at my ovaries and eggs. This clinic does 100’s of ivfs a year, with lots of pcos patients. So that’s saying something. 

Mr. Big can’t possibly do a retrieval Thursday, which is exactly when it should be done. 😡

So my clinic lowered my gonal dose for the next 2 days and will trigger me Wednesday for retrieval Friday. Hopefully they won’t be ‘over ripe’ by then. Hopefully I won’t just ovulate on my own by then. I’m on an injection to try to prohibit me from ovulating on my own. 

I can’t wait until Friday. I hope we get lots of just ripened and matured enough eggs.