My candle burns for my loss. For my husband’s loss. For your loss. For every loss out there.
I heard this song on my way to work this evening. Whole Damn Year by Mary J. Blige. Certain parts of the lyrics sum up my whole damn year.
“And yes, I’m good on the surface,
but I’m a mess, I’m a mess underneath
See winter took the most of my heart
The spring punched right in the stomach,
Summer came looking for blood,
And by autumn, I was left with nothing!”
Winter, I was struggling with depression and fixing issues in my marriage. Heart.
Spring, I found out I was pregnant, and it was ectopic. Stomach.
Summer, my tube ruptured and the pregnancy was removed. Blood.
Autumn, my body is emptier and not functioning. I have no baby, and no chance of having one at the present moment. Nothing.
Whole. Damn. Year.
*If you are religious, this post is not for you. It shouldn’t be offensive (my intent is never malicious), but it is meant for people who do not believe in organized religion.*
As I mentioned before I am not religious. I was raised catholic. My dad was catholic. My mom is a born again Christian. I had to go through all the hoops and bible school (or get my butt whooped), but I never really believed.
I am able to appreciate the “I’m praying for you” and understand where people are coming from and what they are trying to say. But it offers little or no comfort. It sometimes crosses boundaries and adds more stress to my life, especially when it comes to my mother. Her response shortly after my ectopic surgery was that she had a grand baby in heaven with god. Obviously, that conversation ended there.
I stumbled across this article today called “Coping with your child’s death when you don’t believe in god.” It is the first thing of its kind that I’ve read post ectopic that I really agree with. I could have written most of it. So I’m putting it out here for any of you that share my beliefs, or lack there of.
I also want to thank this community for respecting boundaries. I know a lot of people here are religious. I have not felt like I’ve had someone else’s religion shoved down my throat. I have not been offended. I hopefully have not managed to offend anyone else. This place is very healing and open, which is unlike most places on the internet. I respect all of you deeply.
But that’s not a bad thing. We change into stronger versions of our former selves. Skin grows thicker. It takes a longer blade to make us bleed now. Innocence, gone. Torn from us. Will we ever get that naive, doe-eyed look back? No. Will we be able to take a breath without a twinge of fear? No. We will never be ignorant again. Jaded as we are, a weaker person couldn’t survive where we traveled. This is who we are now.
Warning: This may make you cry and/or sad. Do not watch this if you’re not prepared to cry.
Maybe it won’t make you cry, but my DH (I’m calling him Mr.Big from now on because that’s his nickname) and I cried like babies when we watched this. I was pregnant at the time. Watching it again now, so very not pregnant, I still cry. Maybe I’m just a crybaby now.
Below is a short about moving on. It involves yarn and child loss and new birth. I’m sorry if you watch it and it makes you cry or makes you sad. Or angry. I don’t even know why I like it so much. It’s awful and beautiful.
I used to be part of the everything happens for a reason crowd. Since the ectopic loss I’ve been struggling with that. How can I believe that but go through what I have? There is no reason! I’m not religious. Spiritual, yes. The closest I’ll come to an organized religion is Buddhism and that’s not even technically a religion. So for me, throw all that god-works-in-mysterious-ways stuff right out the window.
Then I have days like today. Where it seems like the universe is sending me signs that maybe a baby isn’t in the cards for me. Maybe I’m not meant to have kids. Maybe WE are not meant to have kids together. We made one and the universe took it from us.
I struggled for a long time on the decision to have kids. When I was very young I knew I wanted them. Or maybe it was just what came next after marriage. Then I got older and I dated. I saw what kids did to the relationships around me. I’m a product of a horrible marriage and finally a divorce when I was 5. I decided that maybe I didn’t want kids, if I was in a good relationship. I didn’t want to ruin what good I had.
Not that having kids ruins anything, just that it adds stresses. As I’m now finding out even when you don’t have kids but you lose one and then struggle to make another, that adds strains too.
Then I met DH and got married. We were both undecided about kids until his clock started ticking and he decided. I had to put serious thought into it, but after soul searching decided I wanted not just one, but two. When I was young I wanted two as well so it’s no surprise.
But days like today I wonder if we can survive being married with a baby. Then a toddler. Or two. Then a teenager. Or two. You get us sleep deprived, sex deprived, or stressed about money or outside factors and it’s a recipe for irrational arguments. Guess what kids bring? All of the above at once!
My hairdresser informed me that she had a miscarriage when I told her about my ectopic. She is a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. She and her husband wound up getting a divorce so she still thinks there was a reason for her miscarriage. She wasn’t saying I’d get divorced, just that maybe there was a reason I hadn’t yet seen. I was shocked that she said that to me. And kind of infuriated. And of course every time there’s an issue or an argument her words pop back into my hormonal brain.
So maybe there is a reason. Maybe not. Maybe I’m hormonal as usual these days and sensitive. Tell me I’m not the only one to think these things…and then feel completely guilty for it. 😦
A friend of mine shares beautiful things on child loss from time to time. Here is a link to one she shared. A service that aims to ease mother’s pain after losing a baby. From just 5 weeks in utero to newborns. The article is “The Unexpected Gift That Helped A Grieving Mother Face The World Again.”
Here is a heart to hold’s website.
❤ I had to share. ❤