The tale of the IVF salesman

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Submitted for the approval of the infertile society, I call this story, ‘the tale of the IVF salesman’.
(If you get the above 90’s tv show reference then we need to be friends. It was the best show.)

Once upon a time, an infertile couple visited the strange land of clinic de fertility…

We had our first RE (reproductive endocrinologist) visit today. The whole experience was nice. I guess. I was so nervous all last night and today, and I don’t quite know why. I sweated so bad (which I hardly ever do) in our consult. I knew 90% of the things he told us.

But given our history he told us our odds of live birth are around or less than 10% naturally, 15% with IUI, and 40-50% with IVF.

I went into the meeting thinking I was going to try some femara monitored cycles with timed intercourse for a few months. Mr. Big and I decided in minutes while we were there that we would be going right to IVF. Mainly because our odds are crap and the last thing we want or need is another ectopic pregnancy. Our ectopic risk naturally or with IUI is pretty high. I have a gut feeling that it’d happen again. My remaining tube is clear, but the cilia may not work (probably don’t work) which means the egg would get stuck.

After the successful IVF sales pitch, it was time for the dildo cam. That’s internal ultrasound for those not intimate with one.

IVF salesman- “There’s your uterus. Looks good. Good size, good shape. There’s your lining. Nice and thick. Not too thin, not too thick. Just right. There’s your left ovary, and those are your eggs.”

Me- “Crap.” There were soooo many eggs (cysts). I already knew what he would say next.

IVF salesman- “There are a lot of eggs! You have PCOS. Look at them all! I can’t even count them!”
He tried. He got to 30, on that ovary. Another 20-30 on the other one.

He seemed rather excited. I’m not sure if it’s the worst pcos and most eggs he’s ever seen, or if he knew IVF was our only option and that thrilled the hell out of him.

The IVF salesman shot out a lot of other facts and plans for the future of my womb, and my many eggs. He knew he had us hooked. Well doc you had me at pcos! IVF is the only option! He gave me a Rx for metformin, which I filled and took in the middle of dinner as instructed.

Mr. Big still needs to get his swimmers tested.

I had many vials of blood taken from the resident vampire in the IVF salesman’s office. Those results will be in, sometime.

Assuming all that is normal, we will be going ahead with IVF in late spring. Much to the delight of the IVF salesman.

PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I can’t say I didn’t expect it. I mean, I have all the symptoms. Abnormal bleeding when I was a teen, lack of ovulation, infertility, acne (cystic acne), cystic ovaries, some hair where it doesn’t belong, I shed the hair on my head like a cat, I have estrogen dominance, depression, weight gain around the middle. I probably have high testosterone. I always felt like I have.

But just because I expected it doesn’t mean it’s easy to hear. I won’t go into the details of pcos now and what it means for the future. That’s another post. For now, I’m mad. Mad at pcos. Mad at genetics. Mad at IVF. Mad that I can’t have sex and get pregnant. That it’s come to this.

But I’m calm. And I’m happy. Happy that there’s still hope. Happy that IVF exists. Happy to have at least a start of a diagnosis. Happy to have a plan. Happy to be on metformin and stepping in the direction of controlling pcos which is very important.

I have a feeling my next post will be explaining pcos and what I plan to do to try and control it. To live with it.

…which brings me to this.

Now that I know everything does not happen for a reason, one door does not always open when another closes, silver linings don’t exist, how am I supposed to be that happy person? That care free girl able to let things roll off of her like I once was.

Now things, like a simple butting heads with DH yesterday, stick to me. They impact me. Even other people’s pain. Someone lost her husband abruptly recently and that hit me more than it should have. I’m like an exposed nerve. And it sucks. I have no crutch, no armor.

I found out yesterday that DH finally let himself feel our loss. Which explains why he’s been such an exposed nerve lately.  I know that he was pushing it aside for a while because he had to be strong for me.  Hopefully things will get better as we both heal and both of us move forwards now.

I also discovered that Beyoncé’s song ‘Halo’ is about her miscarriage. I had some odd dreams last night and that song was in my dreams. So I woke up with it stuck in my head.

Sorry to to be such a Debbie downer this week. I’ll go get some sunshine and turn this shit around. I still don’t know how to get back to the place where I can let things roll off of me. But I need to. The way this loss has affected me has not been good. I need some positivity that I can cling to. Or maybe I just need to learn, quickly, how to live in the present. Every single day. Just to only focus on the day I’m in.

Next Chapter: Something not f’ing depressing.

Maybe there IS a reason…

I used to be part of the everything happens for a reason crowd. Since the ectopic loss I’ve been struggling with that. How can I believe that but go through what I have? There is no reason! I’m not religious. Spiritual, yes. The closest I’ll come to an organized religion is Buddhism and that’s not even technically a religion. So for me, throw all that god-works-in-mysterious-ways stuff right out the window.

Then I have days like today. Where it seems like the universe is sending me signs that maybe a baby isn’t in the cards for me. Maybe I’m not meant to have kids. Maybe WE are not meant to have kids together. We made one and the universe took it from us.

I struggled for a long time on the decision to have kids. When I was very young I knew I wanted them. Or maybe it was just what came next after marriage. Then I got older and I dated. I saw what kids did to the relationships around me. I’m a product of a horrible marriage and finally a divorce when I was 5. I decided that maybe I didn’t want kids, if I was in a good relationship. I didn’t want to ruin what good I had.

Not that having kids ruins anything, just that it adds stresses. As I’m now finding out even when you don’t have kids but you lose one and then struggle to make another, that adds strains too.

Then I met DH and got married. We were both undecided about kids until his clock started ticking and he decided. I had to put serious thought into it, but after soul searching decided I wanted not just one, but two. When I was young I wanted two as well so it’s no surprise.

But days like today I wonder if we can survive being married with a baby. Then a toddler. Or two. Then a teenager. Or two. You get us sleep deprived, sex deprived, or stressed about money or outside factors and it’s a recipe for irrational arguments. Guess what kids bring? All of the above at once!

My hairdresser informed me that she had a miscarriage when I told her about my ectopic. She is a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. She and her husband wound up getting a divorce so she still thinks there was a reason for her miscarriage. She wasn’t saying I’d get divorced, just that maybe there was a reason I hadn’t yet seen. I was shocked that she said that to me. And kind of infuriated. And of course every time there’s an issue or an argument her words pop back into my hormonal brain.

So maybe there is a reason. Maybe not. Maybe I’m hormonal as usual these days and sensitive. Tell me I’m not the only one to think these things…and then feel completely guilty for it. 😦