Methotrexate…

Friday the 13th…

In the ER, alone.

No food, no water. No IV, just an IV access in my arm. They wouldn’t let me eat or drink because of the .00001% chance I may need surgery. Can you hear me rolling my eyes from here? So I got a lovely migraine because I was dehydrated and hungry.

My hubby was on his way home, aware of what was going on.  But, he was still a few hours away. I was stuck there for 5 hours before I finally got the methotrexate shot. When the lady came in to give me the shot is when it finally hit me that this was it. This was the moment I was going to stop my baby’s growth and essentially ‘abort’ it. The doctors hated that word -abort. But that is what it was. Not really by choice.

The shot goes into the glute by the way, in case things aren’t completely uncomfortable yet.  I held it together, holding back a flood of tears. Lips pursed, all I could do was nod that I understood what she was telling me.  Then she had to tell me she was sorry I was in this situation.  Sorry for my loss.  Of course that is when the tears could not be held any longer.  I felt so bad for her, having to be there for that. In my story, she is the one who takes away what I most wanted. It must be awful to have to play that part in anyone’s story. She held my hand and said something at an attempt to be reassuring. Like, she thought this was the body’s way of ending a pregnancy that would have been genetically flawed or something to that effect. I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t speak. I just lay there starring at the ceiling trying to control my tears.

sedate me <–Christina after her ectopic pregnancy in Grey’s Anatomy.

I was left alone again, for a while. Finally I was able to wrap it up and dam up the tears again.  Just in time for my mom to arrive with food. Not much longer I was finally discharged, with instructions for bed rest for the weekend. I got home just after my hubby did. One look at him was all it took to lose it again.

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I didn’t have any pain or bleeding until a week later. As per my ob’s wishes I was still taking it easy. I was not even allowed to be in my once best friend’s wedding because of the stress on my body. I of course wasn’t about to tell her the exact reason why which made for more drama I didn’t need. But that’s another story.  My severe cramps and bleeding started the exact moment I was about to leave to go to her wedding as just a guest. I missed it entirely. Not that she cared.

There is still a big risk for the tube to rupture. Methotrexate is a SLOW process. You have to avoid foods with folic acid, stop taking prenatals, and possibly up your green tea intake. Some women need a second dose of the drug if the hcg doesn’t go down enough.  Mine went down the bare minimum they’d expect. 15%. I thought since it was working, albeit slowly, that I would be in the clear.

Next chapter: Rupture and surgery.

 

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