Mother Nature is a b!*@h.

August 1st marked the month we were allowed to start TTC again. (Surgery was June 24th, Metho was June 13th)

Emotionally, I feel like I’m as good as I can be. I feel like I won’t be ‘better’ until I get pregnant and have a healthy baby OR get confirmation that I will never be able to have children and am able to grieve that. One way or the other. I have my good days and my bad days as we all do. I am proud to say that as of just recently I can go to my ob’s office and not cry. I have seen my doctor and labs way too much in the last 3 months. Either the nurses or the doctor would seem to always say something that set my emotions off. Most often that something was “I’m sorry for your loss.” I could hold it together in public until someone said that. Or asked if I’m ok. Then the flood gates opened! Maybe it was just one of my good days but the last visit went smoothly.

Since I hadn’t had a period since the surgery, and since we were going to TTC again, I started charting my BBT to track ovulation so I could have a date if we got pregnant.  I started checking cervical mucus and occasionally cervical placement. I used OPKs too. I cut out caffeine (no more tea!) and ate green leafy veggies and avocados and kept on with my prenatals.

I got my first positive opk test. Hubby and I baby danced our asses off. But my temps did not agree that I had actually ovulated.

Another week and I got the most EW cervical mucus I’ve ever seen (the fertile cm).  The temps could have indicated ovulation, but I had no idea for sure. Fertility friend (the app I use to track my bbt) on the research setting said I could have ovulated when I thought I did. I thought that maybe I had started the TWW before I could poas. I tracked my symptoms, which were plentiful, and stalked the website two week wait.

I was hungry all the time. Starting as soon as I woke up. Very unusual for me. Acne which had subsided for a whole week was back and bolder than ever. I was very nauseous which is also unusual for me. If I ate too much, nausea.  If I didn’t eat quick enough, nausea.  I had vivid dreams and fatigue. I was bloated and gassy beyond belief again. That had subsided for a whole week after the pregnancy too. Basically, after surgery there was maybe a week where I didn’t feel pregnant any more.  Then it all came right back. Cruel joke mother nature.

Just for giggles I decided to start opk testing again. A week later, another positive test. Of course I had researched the hell out of my temps and my situation to no avail. A few days later, and another positive opk test. Each one going negative again the day after they went positive (as is normal). But this situation was abnormal. I know that the body can gear up to ovulate, produce an LH surge, and get a positive opk and then not ovulate.

2 weeks after the possible ovulation and no AF and BFN pregnancy tests. I had gained 15lbs since the ectopic over the summer. I lose that over the summer not gain. In the long NY winter the most I ever gain is 10lbs and it melts off as soon as I start moving and eating better again. But on the plus side since I gain weight in my boobs, among other places, they looked phenomenal. My hormones felt very out of whack. I was so bloated and miserable and something had to give. Not to mention let down because no AF and no BFP in sight.

I went to my ob, again.  She sent me for blood work, again. She also proscribed me 5 days of Provera to induce a bleed. 3 days after provera, it worked an I started a ‘period’.  My tests were all normal. Negative pregnancy. But very low progesterone indicating that I had in fact not ovulated. I suspect I was in estrogen dominance.  It would explain my weight gain and other symptoms as well as low progesterone. It would also explain why I feel so much better and back to normal now that I have taken provera which is progesterone. So my body flat out refuses to let me even try to get pregnant again. Thanks mother nature. You’re a bitch.

If none of this jargin makes sense to you please visit my abbreviations page. It may help clear things up a little.

In the course of 2 months of charting I did not ovulate. But it was my first time charting so I didn’t know what to expect or how exactly to tell if I did ovulate. Here is my anovulatory chart.  Your temps should increase about .4 and stay up to indicate ovulation occurred.