It’s over.

My temp dropped this morning. Meaning the red witch will make her grand entrance today.

This was a cycle of hope and positivity. This was my last cycle with my ob. My last medicated cycle. This cycle had to work, or else.

Welcome to or else.

This was the best cycle I’ve had since the first one which I got pregnant with the ectopic in. (9 months ago) A good strong ovulation on cd 13, a beautiful temp rise and great temps the whole time, and a 14 day luteal phase!

Those who say your luteal phase length can’t change are wrong! Now it doesn’t mean my luteal phase will be 14 days always (especially now) but I know it’s possible with the right dose of femara.

What’s next?
I have to pick a RE. One I don’t want to go to and they have a very long wait time to get in. But, they will most likely let me do medicated cycles with femara with monitoring. Which is all I can afford to do. Barely.

The other doesn’t let me do that. But if I ever can do IUI or IVF that’s the place I’d go to.

So I pay $300 for a consult at place A, wait months for said consult, and hope my one tube and the right drugs can do the trick. Or I’d then (after 6 months) have to pay another $300 for a consult at B to start IUI. Because I can’t afford IVF ever. IVF would be my best option though. With one tube and ectopic risk and all.

This blows.

While I’m waiting I’m going herbal. I’m going to try everything short of black market femara to make my body ovulate. I’m still on the fence about vitex though. I wish I could just get femara over the counter. This would be so much easier.

I’m not mad at my body anymore. I’m mad at the universe. I’m mad at all the fertiles. I’m mad at the celebs who can afford 16 IUI and 20 IVF and finally get a baby from it. Only then do they talk about their infertility. At least they can freaking afford all that. At least they got a baby.

Anyways. Onward through the fog. Wish me luck. I feel like I’ll need it.

Advertisements

Salty Surprise

If you have played cards against humanity you may have seen the awesome salty surprise card. If you haven’t played, go do it.

Upstate NY is a salty surprise today. After all the crap weather has cleared up and streets are clear again, there’s salt everywhere. I could wash my poor car twice a day (but it’s too cold to do so) and it wouldn’t matter. There’s clouds of salt on the road instead of snow. Salt in my house. Salt in my car. Salt on my dog (the pet safe kind). This has nothing to do with ectopics or infertility, I just felt like sharing.

Where am I on my quest to make a baby? Well thanks to the higher dose of Femara I ovulated. On cd 13!!! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning I’m so excited! Starting 2015 out right!

I’m not sure about our timing of baby dancing as I wasn’t expecting to ovulate in a timely manner. But we bd 4 days before ovulation, day of ovulation, and day after ovulation. I ovulated the same day or night of my +opk. I’m not sure which side I ovulated from either. Last time I really felt it. This time I’ve had some discomfort on my left side (the tubeless side) but that’s really it. No obvious popping.

I’ve made it a goal (not a resolution) to do yoga for fertility every day in 2015. Bare minimum is legs up wall pose for 5 mins. I’m doing good so far. Mr. Big even does legs up wall before bed with me! So far of 3 (medicated) cycles, the one cycle I didn’t do yoga in I didn’t ovulate in.

I’ve been more positive too. I notice the times my thoughts turn negative or pessimistic (or realistic) and I turn them into positive ones. The yoga has helped me breathe and meditate. I’ve had a visualization of a baby/embryo in a womb come up out of nowhere. So I’m trying to hold onto that.

I’m just trying. If this cycle doesn’t work I’ve decided to go onto herbs. The ones that worked for me before. Or seemed to work before. But also get a consult with a RE at a fertility center. This doctor is one of the top in the world or so I’m told. Who knows how long it’ll take to get in. A couple of months I think.

I’m undecided on taking vitex. I’m going to do tribulus, maca, Damiana. I have vitex I just don’t know if I should start it. There’s so many mixed feelings about it out there. If you have experience with vitex please let me know your thoughts.

Let’s just hope I don’t even need to decide. 🙂 Let the two week wait begin. Hopefully it’s actually a 2 week wait and not a 9 day wait like last ovulation cycle.

Anyone else in the 2ww? May the odds be ever in our favor!

F it, I’m having a latte!

I’m an avid tea drinker. Used to be anyways. Earl grey and green and anything in between.

After my ectopic pregnancy I read that black and green tea have something in them that can cause the cilia in the Fallopian tubes to stop functioning. Resulting in an ectopic. Granted you need to drink a TON in order for that to happen. More than most people do. Like tea all day every day instead of anything else. Gallons. So no where near what I was drinking. But I stopped black and green tea once we started ttc again.

Caffeine is also supposed to be bad for fertility. Even in tea amounts.

Certain herbs and flowers (like the daisy family) in tea can also impact fertility. In regards to Fallopian tube function, ovulation, creating a hostile environment for sperm etc.

I found that every tea I had and had been consuming, with the exception of peppermint tea which I don’t like, had something in it I shouldn’t have. Or had too much caffeine. So I stopped. Cold turkey. I’m a grumpy sonofabitch in the cold winter morning without it. I haven’t found a replacement yet. I just need something warm that tastes good. Not warm milk because that will put me back to sleep. Not hot chocolate as much as I would love it. If you have suggestions please let me know.

After realizing that I wasn’t ovulating anyways, I kind of said F it. During my period, I have red raspberry tea. Before my supposed ovulation or lack there of I have earl grey or green. When it gets close to when one should ovulate, I quit again. I never have coffee or lattes.

But right now I feel kind of hopeless. I feel like, if it’s going to happen then it’ll happen. Regardless of what I do or don’t do.

So F it. I’m having a sugar cookie latte.

If it really doesn’t happen

Here comes a what if. What if the big O really doesn’t happen this cycle? Last cycle, with femara, by today(cd 23) I had a + opk and by tomorrow (cd24) I ovulated.

This cycle, with femara in the same dose but taken days 3-7 versus days 5-9 last time. This cycle I’m on my 4th day of blinky smiley faces. So high estrogen but no LH surge. No O yet. No solid smiley face.

If I don’t O, then it’s another waste. Waste of a bit of $, waste of resources. Waste of energy and time. Waste of hope. A build up of resentment at the universe for being in this damn situation. But hey, I ovulated twice this year! Can you feel my eye roll from here?

Do I wait it out? How long do I wait before giving up and inducing a bleed and starting over again? Do I do the next cycle on femara (probably a higher dose)? Do I just start the herbs now without inducing a bleed? Do I induce and then do herbs?

I have one more cycle on femara allowed before I’m cut loose and sent to a different doctor. A RE. Depending on cost of the visit and insurance, I was going to start herbs then. In 6 months if I wasn’t ovulating with herbs then I’d bite the bullet and see the RE. But right now I don’t know what to do. I have a strong feeling that I won’t get pregnant with femara. That the herbs will work. After a couple months of taking them.

So do I give in and just start now? Shouldn’t I start with a fresh new cycle?

Writing these questions out seemed to help. I think I’ll call my doc tomorrow and get her opinion. Probably induce a bleed and go one more round with a higher dose of femara.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and ovulate before then though. Come on solid smiley face!

Can I knit a baby?

So in the past week I’ve taken up knitting. Arm knitting and finger knitting. I’m obsessed. It gives me something to do aside from be on electronics. Something productive. This is one reason I’ve been so quiet. I’m getting better at it, but each scarf teaches me more. I think I’ve undone each project 3 times before finishing it. Next step, a big ass blanket.

I’ve also started going to fertility yoga once a week with a friend of mine who is also having a hard time making a baby. It’s part support group and part yoga. It’s nice to do something for me. To actually schedule it in. It’s nice to be with others who feel as helpless as me.

In lack of baby making news, it’s cd 16 and not a positive opk in sight. The line is faint but very slowly getting darker. I think. We will see. Even if it’s another cd 24 ovulation, it’s still an ovulation and I’ll take it. Are my ovaries just lazy??

I realized that an herbal blend for libido I was taking earlier in the year, when I did ovulate and get pregnant, actually had several herbs that help regulate cycles in it. I have one more round of femara to try before I quit it and go herbal. I’ve got to say I’m not too hopeful about femara. As far as getting pregnant on it. Maybe increasing the dose next time will get an earlier ovulation? Maybe I just need to go back to the herbs.

Obviously all I want is to get pregnant. But I’ve been trying not to obsess lately. Hence the knitting. Trying is the key word. I’ve still been following blogs, even though I haven’t written much. It seems like almost everyone else is pregnant. So many in the IF community have gotten their elusive BFP and I’m thrilled for them. But, then there’s me. Feeling increasingly lonely on this isle of no baby. I have long cycles right now and maybe that’s part of why I feel this way, but each cycle feels like an eternity. My last one was 33 days but felt like 3 months. I’m on cd 16 but it feels like at least cd 30.

Meanwhile Christmas is approaching fast. Everywhere else it seems that time is speeding up. Just not when it comes to my uterus/ovaries.

I don’t have much else to say. I’m exhausted. This week I’ve been so tired each day from the moment I wake up that I could fall asleep standing up. I can’t remember the last time I was this beat. I’m not getting sick or anything. It’s probably just more hormonal imbalance. Yay.

If you can’t tell, this has been a very Debbie downer cycle. Probably another reason I haven written much. When I put my yarn down I’ll try to jot more here. 🙂

On a completely unrelated note, if you like twisted horror movies, you may want to check out tusk. But I warn you, it’ll stick with you. I think it’s the most disturbing movie I may have ever seen. I don’t know why it bugs me more than others either. But one I really loved was As Above, So Below. Not disturbing, just scary. Loved it. I’ll leave you with that.

My life. Horror movies and yarn.

😡

Today is 10 dpo, and now also CD 1.
AF ruined a brand new pair of cute panties.
She declared me not pregnant which irritates the crap out of me.
She made sure to ruin the weekend.

She now has me scared of a luteal phase defect. How bad is a 9 day luteal phase? Does the luteal length change?

I’m supposed to call my doctor on CD 1 to get femara to take days 3-7 to hopefully ovulate before cd 24. But it’s Saturday night. Normally my doctor isn’t in on Monday either. But I have her cell number. So do I call the answering service to try to reach her or get a message to her, or bug her on her cell on Monday morning?

Ugh. I’m still thankful I ovulated. But now I have a new set of things to worry about. The joys of infertility struggles right?

On cd 23 I finally got a damn ☺! On cd 24 it appears I actually ovulated. My temp rose for 3 days (today is day 3) and is higher today than it has been since I was pregnant. Let’s hope it stays up for the next 9 months! Fertility friend gave me crosshairs (solid crosshairs) for the first time.

Pre ovulation I felt like crap. Thanks hormones. I had cramping in the few days leading up to it mainly on my right side (the side with a tube) and the cramping on the right woke me up one night. I guess since the ectopic I’m one of the women who can feel ovulation. It’s really nice to know what that all feels like and how my body reacts to ovulation, finally!
Hopefully this means I ovulated from my right ovary too. The day I got my temp rise, I felt great. No more fatigue and bloating. My body loves progesterone. My high temp makes me think my progesterone is in a good place too.

I’ve had twinges on my right side after ovulation. Is it possible to feel the egg travel down the tube? Or does the tube contract to help move it? Since I had an ectopic I’m at a higher risk for it happening again, so I am thinking positively. The twinges are not the egg getting stuck, they’re the egg moving along to where it needs to go.

So obviously cd 24 is a late ovulation, which I thought wouldn’t happen on femara. Maybe taking femara days 3-7 instead of 5-9 will give an earlier ovulation?

Is there any truth to what I’ve read via stupid google that a late ovulation usually involves an older, less than stellar egg? Does late ovulation even actually make a difference?

So, I begin the 2 week wait. *twiddles thumbs*

Thanksgiving morning I will get to test, if AF doesn’t show up by then. I’m going to do my best to not POAS until then. I’d really like to have a BFP to be very thankful for that night.

A day or so before I got my ☺, a spotless ladybug hitched a ride home on my car. There were several more, with spots, waiting on my house. I was hoping they were good luck. Seems like they may have been. First ovulation since May! Hopefully that luck will continue.

For all of you who are waiting on a ☺ or a second line or a heartbeat, good luck to you as well!

Chart Thoughts?

Hi ladies. I’d consider myself still a newbie at charting simply because I have no idea what my “normal” charts look like. Normal meaning ovulation.

So, I’d like your thoughts on this cycle. As you know since my ectopic I haven’t ovulated. This cycle is my first on Letrozole (Femara) but I’m not being monitored. Here’s my chart:

image

 

I took took femara days 5-9. Started opk tests day 10, all of which have been negative. But I only test once per day in the afternoon. Cd 6 should be a little lower temp because I woke up later. Cd 14 & 17 should be .1 higher as I woke up much earlier. I added a coverline just to try to find a rise.

The past couple days I’ve felt just like I did back when I had a 3 month long anovulatory cycle, plus some light cramping this time. Researching, my symptoms were probably caused by an estrogen dominance that built up over those months. Now, I feel hungry, fatigued, very bloated, and slightly crampy yesterday. I didn’t feel like this last cycle which was 1 month anovulatory. My chart last month was very clearly anovulatory.

My question is, is there any chance I could have ovulated on like cd 11 or 12? Or should I just throw in the towel again and think about contacting my doctor for more provera and a higher dose of femara? Thanks in advance!

I know I’ll find out in a week anyways but I’m impatient and curious and would like another set of eyes.
 

 

Seriously!?

Well, I’m officially pissed off.

Judging by my chart and all negative opk tests when I’m on cd 17 I have the suspicion that even with the drug that’s supposed to make me ovulate, my stupid body still is going to refuse to do so.

I’m giving it until like cd 23 before I get more provera to induce yet another bleed to start yet another now hopeless cycle.

If I indeed don’t ovulate this time, the amount of loathing I will have for this body of mine will be unfathomable. I’m already in a vicious hate cycle with it. I lost my respect for it, so I eat, and then hate it even more.

I know the dose of femara will just increase the next cycle and HOPEFULLY that will do the trick. But who freaking knows right? Because why would my body do what it was designed to do? Why would it function properly? Why would I ovulate?

If I were ovulating and we were not getting pregnant I would not be as upset. Not right away anyways. I know there’s only like a 20% chance each cycle if you ovulate. But it’s sure as hell better than 0%! Right now I am infertile. I don’t just have infertility issues. I’m sterile. Or barren. Or whatever you want to call it.

I’m just pissed off. Each day that passes without the damn smiley face drains more hope. My frown gets bigger and droops more. Grumpy cat has got nothing on me!

 

image

Thanks google for the pic. Found here.

 

There’s still a glimmer of hope that I’m jumping the gun and worrying for nothing. That maybe I missed the lh surge and did ovulate. That maybe I’ll just ovulate late. That maybe even if it doesn’t happen this month, next month it will. But that glimmer is getting dimmer each minute.

There’s a secret to being fertile?

This week I was able to do something rare, something I never get to do. I cancelled one of my classes to do a fertile secret yoga workshop. I did a class for myself. It was fabulous. It was a support group/yoga for fertility class/acupuncture/aromatherapy all in one. Fertile secret is an odd title. Like the fertile people know something we don’t, and they’re not telling. Rude.

We started off talking about what brought us there and what we were feeling in the moment. It was the first time I have been in a room physically with people going through similar struggles. People who understood every raw emotion. Just being there listening to them made me tear up. It was therapeutic. It made me want to do something like that every week.

We did some gentle yoga for fertility which felt great. It was mostly relaxing, except for the one couple in the room who kept whispering loudly to each other.

The acupuncturists came in and placed needles. I had the girl I usually see. I got a needle in the top of my head which was a first for me. Being in a room with others I wasn’t able to relax as I usually do. A couple of them fell asleep and snored softly. Glad I’m not the only one who does that. I felt the top of the head needle go in and it was a little uncomfortable for a few seconds. I did notice though that if my mind wandered and I got stressed at all I could feel the needles until I relaxed again. Once I relaxed, I was unaware they were in. Funny how that works.

I had a lavender oil cotton ball on my left shoulder, and a citrus one on my right. They smelled heavenly. I have got to find out what those oils were exactly.

I also recently received a yoga for fertility DVD from Dawn at Our Greatest Desire. Thank you so much! The live yoga for fertility classes in my area are booked and the times don’t work well with my schedule. These DVDs will help. I love that it’s a different section for each stage of the cycle! I was able to get one follicular in before moving on to my most important one, ovulatory.

Well, let’s hope it’s actually ovulatory for me this cycle. I know it’s early (like day 11) and very unlikely I’ll ovulate before cd 14, but not seeing that smiley face on my opk every day adds stress and sadness and kills my hope a little. Even though I know better. If I didn’t have to chart and opk (I’m not being monitored or anything) I totally would skip it. This is where the yoga will come in handy.

If you’ve been here, how did you deal? How did you keep the “what if the meds don’t produce ovulation” thoughts at bay? Because my realist mind has that nagging in it.

I just accepted this week that I no longer am fertile with a loss. I am dealing with infertility issues. After the ectopic I clung to the thought that I must be fertile at least because it was so easy to get pregnant with the ectopic. Mr. Big’s swimmers must be great. The only thing wrong with me was my tube which is gone now. HA! Acceptance, by the way, is overrated.