So then…

*trigger warning*

We did our first FET with 2 beautiful embryos this month. Things I did different:

Lost 8lbs before the transfer

Neupogen wash & Intralipids 5 days prior to transfer

Hcg wash at transfer

Got sick with a head cold the day before transfer and am still recovering 😒

I was also on dexamethasone, metformin, synthroid, coq10, estrace, PIO, endometrian

My beta was Monday. So naturally I was planning on poas Sunday morning. Saturday night I had a dream I had twins. I was thanking and hugging my RE. And of course crying. Sunday I woke up and poas and actually got a BFP! Cue the freaking out and tears. Beta was 276 at 9 days past transfer. We transferred 1 day 5 and 1 day 6. Today 2nd beta was 580! So more than double, which is perfect. The nurses said that’s a high number and could possibly point to twins. 😊 

I’m beyond excited, but so nervous. I know too well that things can go south any second.  But if my ectopic loss taught me anything it’s to live in the present tense. Today I am pregnant. No matter what the future brings I will enjoy being pregnant today. As surreal as it feels. ❤️

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So Fresh

I left off with our bfn IVF cycle. I thought we would do a fet with our one frozen embaby. But Mr. Big and I are so scared of the single frostie not surviving the thaw and wasting all that time and a cycle. We really only have until the end of this year to make this work, thanks to insurance and $ issues. 

So we decided to go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. To maybe get more embryos to freeze. Given what happened last cycle, that’s a big maybe. I called my clinic and got a call back from the big guy personally. The owner/creator/head RE/fertility god. I haven’t even met him yet since he was on vacation my last cycle. But he’s back now! He said that us getting 25 eggs and winding up with only 2 embryos was very unusual and something was wrong. (No shit) 

He said that most of the eggs were bad quality. He’s changing up the stim drug (menopur now instead of gonal f) and putting me on a ketogenic diet. High fat, some protein, no grain, no gluten, low carb. I have instructions to eat lots of kale and fish. 

So we will hopefully have enough good embryos to do another fresh transfer and put another one (or ten! Haha I wish) on ice. I’m very aware that frozen transfers can work better as your body is less messed up from all the drugs. That’s why I want to get more on ice. I’ll probably only transfer one for the fresh cycle. 

Of course all this is IF it even works. If menopur agrees with me. If my strict diet is enough. We could wind up with nothing. But I refuse to think that will happen. I’m really trying to go into this positively. 

And here on the worst Mother’s Day for me yet, I wait for Aunt Flo. Last Mother’s Day I was unaware I had just gotten pregnant. That ended weeks later. This one, I just lost a perfectly good embaby that seems to never have attached. 

IVF bfn are really hard. With all the other tries I never knew if the embryo even existed. This time everything was “perfect”. There’s no reason it shouldn’t have worked. Our embaby was excellent quality. My lining was great. (I do know that even though an embryo is excellent quality it doesn’t mean it was genetically normal. Only 50% are. We can’t afford the testing to find out.) 

Did you use menopur for stims? How did it work for you? Specifically if you have pcos too. 

bffn

So today was beta day. According to FRER this morning I’m not pregnant. The nurse with the sad voice confirmed the beta is negative too. 

Next step? Aside from wine (lots of wine) and rare steak? FET. As soon as I start bleeding our fet cycle starts. I’m already petrified. We only have one embaby on ice. If it doesn’t survive the thaw, it’s a waste of a month and cycle. I won’t know if it thaws ok until an hour or so before the transfer. The clinic is 2 hours away. 

I only have until the end of this year to get as many cycles in as possible. That’s it. If no baby by New Year’s Eve, then no baby ever. I can’t afford to waste time. Especially when I produce a ton of shit eggs, apparently. Not a shit ton. A ton of shit. Or a shit ton of shit. 

This week has been hell. I lost my only source of income. And DH can’t support both of us. Getting a job is really tough around here. Unless I want to work at mcdonalds. Nope. And now a bfn of our beautiful embaby. There was no reason that it shouldn’t have worked. The cherry on the sundae? Fucking Mother’s Day is Sunday. Last year at this time I had just gotten pregnant. Just conceived. My one pregnancy that ended horribly weeks later. 

I need to win the lotto (but can’t afford to play) and need to win the pregnancy lotto too. 

I honestly don’t know how much I’ll blog about the next cycles. I’m understandably feeling pretty down and discouraged. I just don’t know if I want to write about it. We’ll see I guess. But if and when I disappear, don’t be shocked. I’ll be back to update at the end of each cycle I’m sure. But that’s it. I will be active on twitter though. As I have been. You can find me @myectopic. Wish me luck. I need it.