My Friday Ritual

Another Friday spent next to my phone waiting for it to ring. Like a school girl waiting for her crush to call and ask her out. But my crush is my doctor. My date would be rite aid to get femara (hopefully).

A question I have for all of you who chart bbt, how much higher should my bbt go when taking provera (progesterone)? When I was pregnant my temp (taken orally) was well over 98.
I don’t know what my temp would be post ovulation as I haven’t been able to chart an ovulation cycle yet. This cycle (vaginal temp) it’s almost 98 the past few days (on provera) and my coverline I think would be around 97.7 so not much of a rise. image
Last cycle (oral temp) my temp barely rose during provera.
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Progesterone raises your temp. So taking it for 5 days should raise it similar to an ovulation rise right? Or maybe it’s too low of a dose?

Yes I’m over analyzing because it’s all I can do. Because if I have any other cycle issues aside from not ovulating I’d like to know. So I can try to control my body and my situation which I can’t actually control. But the illusion of control is comforting. The illusion of being able to do something to help.

On another note:
My ex friend F unfriended me on Facebook which we all know in this era means a friendship is officially over. I thought I may have accidentally done it when my app was acting up so I texted her to ask and her classy lack of response confirms what I suspected. No warning. No reason. I haven’t even talked to her or about her since our coffee weeks ago.

I already grieved this loss. The girl I had been best friends with for over a decade has been gone for a long time. I do not want this new her in my life. So it’s no more a loss now that it’s ‘facebook official’. It doesn’t warrant anything more than a shrug from me.

I wasn’t going to do the passive aggressive thing that she did because I’m an adult and in the future when her 2 faced BFF and sister in laws stab her in the back again I still would have been there for her. (The same people she talks so much shit about behind their backs btw).

The people you spend your time with rub off on you. Especially her. When she separates herself from these people after they stab her in the back again, she will go back to the person I used to know. But I won’t be there.

Or maybe she’s always been this awful 2 faced girl and now the veil has been lifted and I see her for what she really is.

Regardless, closure is good. Still a little sad but relieving. It’s like a dark cloud has lifted.

I know what stress can do to the body. She put me through a ton of stress when I got pregnant. Part of me kind of wonders if maybe that didn’t have an effect on my tube function or lack there of. Not that it matters now. At least it won’t matter in the future. Less stress. Less drama. Better baby making/baking environment for me!

One of the last things I saw F post was baby shower pics from her new BFF. She referred to her new BFF as amazing. (Yes the same one she trash talked about to me so much is now ‘amazing’). Yes I know especially by now that pregnancy that ends in a live baby is wonderful. But getting and staying knocked up successfully on your first try is not ‘amazing’. (I talked to her before about ttc so I know it was her first try). She is the 3 out of 4. The majority.

You know who is actually amazing? Us. The infertiles who keep on going. The 1 out of 4. The 1 out of 50. Those of us who have gone through a loss or ten and still live on. A lot of us with hope none the less. We are amazing. We are extraordinary. We are stronger. We are deserving of our happy endings. Those of us who have gone through these struggles and come out on the other side with a rainbow or two are amazing. Those pregnancies and births are truly amazing.

Maybe upon seeing that on October 15th of all days just made me bitter. So maybe I’m a bitter bitch. (Sue me) But seriously. I can’t be the only one who would react like this.

Facebook is not for us. We should create an infertile facebook. Barrenbook.

So, that’s that. And I’m perfectly happy with it. My life feels less negative and less stressed already. It’s done, my rant is done, and time to move forward. Moving forward with several other friends (1 in particular) who have been so great through my horrid year. Friends who understand. Friends who are going through a lot in their lives physically and emotionally but are still by my side.

Although, since it’s about 7pm it’s safe to say my doc stood me up. 😦 I need to start the drugs on day 3 of my cycle so if she gets a hold of me mon (and gets the script in) we should be ok. That’s a big if though. Who knows if she’s even in the office mon…

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What not to say to a friend dealing with infertility.

Here is a great article I found today called “what not to say to a friend dealing with infertility.”

Great points. I especially like the one about if you’re pregnant, don’t complain about it or rub your growing belly in front of your friend.

Heres a question though. What to do if your friendship has been rocky, you go through a loss, then struggle with ttc again, and your former BFF wants details but you’re not ready to share? Heres my long (sorry) story:

My former BFF (best friend since 8th grade) got married the day I started bleeding after my methotrexate shot. Our friendship had been rocky for months and while I was pregnant I was asked to be a bridesmaid instead of the moh. There was a lot of useless bs drama caused by a friend of hers and her that I didn’t need too. Especially at that time.

She had no idea I was even pregnant let alone everything I went through. All she knew is I had a life saving emergency surgery and couldn’t attend her wedding due to medical issues.

She lost my trust when she was talking about me behind my back to this friend of hers who wound up being the moh. This friend of hers has hated me since high school because ‘I wasn’t popular’ etc.  She also said something about my husband trying to start a fight between me and him which was the biggest and final straw.

I sent her happy wedding wishes with an apology for not being able to attend, and she didn’t respond. She has never acknowledged it. She didn’t talk to me until she saw via Facebook that I had a surgery.

Now she wants to meet up for coffee to ‘catch up’. But I know she just wants me to tell her what happened. I don’t trust that she’ll keep our convo private. The last person I want to know what happened is her new BFF. Oh her new BFF is pregnant! So I also don’t want to hear about that. Or answer any ttc questions. Or hear her ttc stories.

So I’ve been dodging her texts. I don’t want the stress. I don’t want to meet up. I certainly don’t want to tell her what happened. What can I do? Just say I’m not ready to discuss it, and oh btw don’t mention anything about babies or pregnancy or ttc or I’ll lose my shit on you and have choice words to call your new BFF? At a loss.

How freaky, I posted this and a second later she texted me out of the blue. She doesn’t know about this blog.