Beam Me Up

I just found out that Pink’s song ‘Beam Me Up’ is about a miscarriage. This is probably old news. But I thought I’d share in case I’m not the only one living under a rock.

“There’s a whole ‘nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There’s a waltz playin’ frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re lookin’ at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soarin’ in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin’ goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.”
-Pink

Retreat, Explore, Gratitude, Breathe

I’m a little behind. I just don’t have photos for some of these. Plus, several could be used for the same days. So pardon the similar pictures, but there’s a trend in my life of exploring the outdoors on nice days which brings me peace.

Day 16 Retreat
image
My forest of solitude. Walking here just about always helps ease my mind. It is my small retreat from the world.

Day 17 Explore
image
Where am I in my grief? I’m a little better I think. Less depressed most days. Hopeful for the future most days. Still always insanely jealous of others who seemingly easily get and stay pregnant without the struggles so many of us face. Still angry as hell that I had to suffer, and am still suffering. If life was a person I’d kick it right in the balls. I really don’t think grief ever ends. Not this kind. I feel like grief visits sometimes briefly, sometimes for an extended stay. But it’s always just around the corner.

Day 18 Gratitude
(Insert pretty photo here)

I am thankful for my husband. He has been the most amazing person through everything. Without him by my side, and carrying me occasionally, I’d be lost. ❤

For my friends, one in particular who really understands my struggles. She is empathetic. I’m more grateful for her than she knows I think. When others were too busy being fake, she was real.

For my family. My mom and my in laws really stepped up and helped me out in every way. I’d be in such a bad place right now if it weren’t for them.

For this community. All of you bloggers. Your kind words through my story helped me and brought smiles when needed most. Reading your stories let me know I wasn’t alone. You still let me know I’m not crazy for thinking the things I do and for feeling the way I do.
So many of you write on a topic that I’ve been thinking of for days and it’s like you’re writing my thoughts and feelings. Like blogging esp. Thank you.

Day 20 Breathe
image
Taking the time to breathe and notice the simple beauty around me. Something I’ve been unable to do all summer. But now in fall it’s gotten easier. Most days. Even the yuck gray days I’m finding happiness and beauty or nostalgia in. I only have this one life. I’ve always been the stop and smell the roses type. So, be that person again. Why waste any more days being miserable? If I can help it…

Day 13: Season

Capture Your Grief
Day 13: Season
image
Spring is the season I got pregnant in. Spring is when I had to have the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy. Summer is when my tube burst and it ended officially.
So spring is the season I associate with my baby and being pregnant. It is supposed to be a season of new beginnings. I haven’t gone through a spring since the ectopic so only time will tell how I deal with it.

Day 12: Music

Capture Your Grief

Day 12: Music

image

 

So I’ve decided that I’m only doing the capture your grief projects that I can do. I realized lately that some don’t really apply to me or I can’t get my own photos to go with them. Or I just don’t feel like going into that topic that day.

Music is one I can do. I’ve already posted lyrics to a song that struck a chord with me this week.

Today’s post is part of the song Halo by Beyonce. It’s about her miscarriage. This one reminds me of my ectopic experience for several reasons. 1) Listening to the song and the story behind it finally helped Mr. Big feel our loss. He needed it. I needed him to feel it finally. It took him about 4 months to get there. 2) The first paragraph resonates with me. My loss helped me really understand just how much I want to be a mother. Our pea was only here with me for a short time, but in those 2 months I managed to get attached. It was a pea, a cluster of cells, but it broke down my walls. It was more than that to me. He was my baby.

Whole Damn Year

I heard this song on my way to work this evening. Whole Damn Year by Mary J. Blige. Certain parts of the lyrics sum up my whole damn year.

“And yes, I’m good on the surface,
but I’m a mess, I’m a mess underneath
See winter took the most of my heart
The spring punched right in the stomach,
Summer came looking for blood,
And by autumn, I was left with nothing!”

Winter, I was struggling with depression and fixing issues in my marriage. Heart.

Spring, I found out I was pregnant, and it was ectopic. Stomach.

Summer, my tube ruptured and the pregnancy was removed. Blood.

Autumn, my body is emptier and not functioning. I have no baby, and no chance of having one at the present moment. Nothing.

Whole. Damn. Year.

Day 9: In Memory

Capture Your Grief
Day 9: In Memory

image

I’m skipping day 8, resources, for now.

I decided fairly quickly after the ectopic that I wanted a tattoo in memory of the lost pea. But what? I thought of a pea but just a tattoo of a pea doesn’t make sense. So I thought sweet pea, the flower. Maybe one unopened such as my above quick sketch with some pink and blue water color brush stroke effects in the background. The unopened aspect has obvious significance as does the pink and blue background. Obviously it will look better than my sketch. I was thinking of putting it on my left side low abdomen which is where the ectopic was. But since my weight gain I’m not so sure I want it there. I’m still not decided on all this but it’s a thought. I want something for the little pea.

Day 7: Sacred Place

Capture Your Grief

Day 7: Sacred Place

image

I don’t have a photo of the places I usually go for walks, but Mr. Big and I went for a great one over the weekend. This is the first rainbow I’ve seen since the ectopic. Let’s hope a rainbow of another sort appears soon.

Being out in nature always makes me think about things. Especially in the fall. I feel more connected to our little pea and other lost loved ones outside, preferably in solitude.

Day 6: Books

Capture Your Grief
Day 6: Books

image

I originally thought I had nothing for today. Yesterday really since I’m behind. I love to read. Mr. Big and I have entirely too many books. But none on child loss/pregnancy loss/grief. What I read that helped me are your stories. So my photo is a small sample of some of the blogs I’m following. Thank you all!

Day 5: Journal

Capture Your Grief
Day 5: Journal

image

Write hard and clear about what hurts. -Hemingway

When it comes to blogging here, that’s what I try to do.

In the photo above are my two favorite quotes about writing. As I mentioned before, I love to write. I always have. My best work comes from my pain. I prefer short stories and poetry but I have written a book that will never see the light of day as well as the beginnings of another. A dream of mine is to publish something. Someday. Even if no one reads it. Or if it finds it’s way to the only person in existence aside from me that can appreciate it.

Today I am worried. I’m worried about my body. I’m worried that I may have pcos. Im worried because I’m living in the future, and I can’t stop myself. Of course my doc wasn’t in the office today either so I have to wait patiently for a call back when she is to let her know I need femara asap.

I’m concerned for my sweet fur baby cat. The one who is my guard cat and follows me everywhere. She knew when I was pregnant before I did. She is an extremely unique baby with a big personality. She cut her tail pretty bad today after smashing a glass plate while I was at work. She won’t let it alone to heal and is clearly sad and hurting. I wish so badly that I could take her pain away. I’m going to have to get her a vet appointment tomorrow and hope they can do something for her. Aside from writing, animals (cats especially) are my passion.

Why do I have to be passionate about things that I can’t make money with?

Money, there’s another concern of mine today. I can’t catch up. Business is slow which makes it worse. I need to find a career that I can make money in that won’t kill my soul. I’m almost 30 and have no clue as to what I should do ‘when I grow up’.
Until the past couple years I changed jobs a lot. I get bored easily. I hate working. I have a very limited BS tolerance. Working in retail and the service industry are not for me. Having a boss is really not for me. I’ve done a lot of trial and error.

Do you ever crave a smell? I am craving the smell of a camp fire. Must be because it’s fall. I crave smells a lot. Is that odd?

Well that was a brief step into my mind tonight. That’s how thoughts work in my head. So very random. It’s painfully obvious that I get distracted by shiny objects, squirrels and such. Sorry. I think I fulfilled the journaling task today.

 

Next chapter: Coherent Thoughts

Capture Your Grief Day 4: Now

Day 4: Now
image
My oldest fur baby ❤

Day 4: NOW.
Who are you now in this present moment? The most recent version of my former self. I’m anxious, impatient, sad, and strong. It’s getting hard to get out of bed in the morning, or to make the changes that I need to for my health. But I feel like I’ll get off my ass soon. My fur babies offer fluffy support. I’m glad I have them in my life to cuddle with. They calm my soul.

What are you feeling? Nostalgic. I am hating change lately. Everything has changed.

Have you been irrevocably changed by the death? Of course.
How are you different now? Positive when it comes to the little things in life. Depressed when it comes to my body and my future. I worry a lot about my body, my future, my relationship, my husband’s future. I’m bitter. I’m angry. Some days I hate the sight of children and pregnant women. Other days it’s just ok. I’m also trying to take in the good days as they happen. I know my hell aka winter is coming and with it depression, so each nice day I feel the breeze and take in the colors. I’m like a squirrel hoarding nuts, but with color and warmth.

Do you love anything about the new you? I’m more positive at times, and stronger than I thought I was. Appreciating the good things when they happen is nice.

What do you want to become? Pregnant. A mother of a real live baby. Is that too obvious? I want to be fearless. I want to be happy. I want to be the best wife I can be. I want to be strong yet soft and not bitter. I want my zen back. I want to be able to live in the present tense.