How I KNEW 

How I KNEW I was pregnant this time:

Sorest boobs and nips that got worse every day.  High beautiful temps.  Metallic taste in my mouth. Sensitive to smells. Nauseaus. Twinges in uterus. Fatigue. Headache. Cravings and food aversions. Starving! Peeing every 10 minutes. Hope. 

How I KNEW I wasn’t pregnant this time:

Because the odds are so against me and I’m never that lucky. All the symptoms mentioned above are also pms symptoms. Aka, progesterone. Cramps. Spotting at 11dpo and 12dpo.  Negative test at 11dpo. Most importantly, the horrid and dramatic entrance of AF who brought the worst cramps I think I’ve had with her. 

I could’ve sworn I was pregnant. I haven’t had all those symptoms together since I was actually pregnant a year ago. Once I spotted I could’ve sworn I was pregnant but it was ectopic. (PTSD much?) 

My point here is, I can’t trust my body. Every single TWW and AF and BFP is different. I can’t help but keep track of my symptoms, even though I know they mean fuck all. 

But I think this was a good lesson now when I’m about to start IVF. Hopefully I’ll be able to survive the IVF TWW better now. Am I convincing? I didn’t think so. 

Also, hope is kind of a mean bitch. If I ever have a girl you can rest assured I will NOT name her hope. 

Half agony, half hope.

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Yesterday I told Mr. Big that I thought I wasn’t going to ovulate. I’ve been using the advanced digital ovulation kit with the blinking smiley face, sans any kind of smiley face.

Until today. Blinky smiley face. And egg white mucus. Can we call them fluids? Or a sperm lazy river? Mucus is such a gross word for something we need to check in order to see if ovulation might happen.

If you are unfamiliar with this opk kit, the blinky smiley face means estrogen is surging and in 2 days (or longer, or not at all) the solid smiley face shows up for the lh surge. Maybe ovulation happens after that.

Anyways, if I ovulate it’ll be late. There are so many cases out there of ovulating on cd 23 or 24 and getting pregnant. That gives me hope. Hell any ovulation no matter when gives me hope.

But last cycle it was on cd 24, and I only had a 9 day luteal phase followed by AF. Plus the odds are against me now all the time anyways. Cue the agony.

I am on a hope roller coaster. One day I can see myself getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. It’s almost a feeling of I know it will happen. Like an epiphany. I keep having feelings like it’ll happen in early spring. There’s no logical reason for these feelings. But they give me hope. Then there’s the doubts. The realist in me. The part of me that sees the odds. The part that knows there is no reason to have those feelings or too much hope. That sees that femara makes me ovulate, but not in a timely fashion. With a short luteal phase to boot. I think I have more days of hope, not agony. At least right now.

That’s all. Back to watching american horror story and knitting. And hope.