I’m alive

I’m not dead yet. I promise.

 I just literally can’t even. I hope you read that in the most basic white girl voice possible. I wish I could have a pumpkin spice latte right now. 

I just wanted to say hi. And I’m still on a blogging break. I don’t want to think or talk about IF for a while. Hence, being MIA here. Still here in the trenches. Still not pregnant surprise surprise. 

 That being said IF and not being pregnant is still of course all I think about. It’s still consuming. It still sucks and hurts. I still walk out of the room mumbling when my coworkers start talking about having babies. Because they’re naively planning. And for those lucky bitches it probably will go as planned. It probably will be easy. 

I’ll be back. After halloween. Baby dust to you all. 

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Ain’t no sunshine 

Today was a bad day for a lot of us IFers. My 3rd IVF transfer was a bfn. As usual. So many others cycling with me IRL and online also got the bfn today. Today just sucks. Instead of a single line on the pee stick it should just have a middle finger pop up. Same thing right? 

So the baby growing in my tube that was created the moment we decided to start tying to have a baby grew like a fucking weed right? Grew so damn well it almost killed me. But 5 perfect embryos carefully, painstakingly created and placed just so in a warm cushy uterus with plenty of progesterone and estrogen won’t implant. Not even a chemical pregnancy. Zilch. 

To say I’m frustrated and pissed off is an understatement. 

Luckily we have some frozen. Thank you HGH! FETs for us now. I’ve never done one so I’ve got no idea what to expect. 

As I may have mentioned before, I love to write. I used to be pretty damn good at it. My genius was born of my pain. 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” -Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. You just sit down at the typewriter and bleed.” -Hemingway again? I forget who. 

I’ve not been inspired through this whole process. I’ve been through enough pain. Physical and emotional. But I have no words. I feel like after this, after it works or doesn’t, is when it’ll all come gushing out. Like right now I’ve got a tourniquet on. And after some sort of ending, I’ll release it…

Maybe I’ll be healing by then. Or maybe the wound will refuse to close and I’ll still be bleeding everywhere. 

Déjà vu

I feel like I was just here. I just did an IVF cycle resulting in a beautiful fresh transfer. And then 14 days past egg collection I pee on a FRER and get that one damn line and snow white not even a hint of a line BFN. It’s 11dp3dt. We had our only 2 embryos transferred at day 3. My beta should be today but since it’s a holiday the clinic is closed for the weekend. So my beta is Monday. But I have zero hope it’ll surprise me. Could it? Yes. Absolutely. Will it? No. I feel bfn. Big fat negative.  Big fat nothing. 

IVF 2 was pretty different than the 1st. I had the big guy, the head RE that created the clinic and is supposedly one of the best in the country see me through each step. 

We used menopur only and had to increase it at the end to 4 vials a night. 

Ganirelix and then lupron trigger like last time. 

The cycle was looong because my eggs stalled for a bit in their growth. Hence increasing the dose. 

We got 6 eggs. 3 were mature and injected via ICSI.  2 fertilized and became the embryos we transferred at day 3. Who also had assisted hatching. 

But my body was in much better shape for transfer this time. My estrogen and progesterone were where they needed to be.  I didn’t get ohss. I took a med to prevent ohss. I took baby aspirin like last time. I was put on a steroid to decrease inflammation this time too. I did acupuncture right after transfer and again 5 days later. I did everything right. I was on turmeric too to decrease inflammation. 

(to recap IVF 1 we got 25 eggs, 20 injected, and 2 day 5 blasts, one we transferred bfn and one on ice) 

I feel very left behind. I have seen so many others get BFP and have babies and I can’t even get pregnant when the lives are placed inside me. I’m not even sad right now. I’m pissed. What testing do I need from here to find out what’s wrong with me? I definitely need to get a consult with the big guy for a WTF appointment. 

I feel like we are both willing to do IVF 3 but idk how much more Mr. Big will be able to handle. I want to keep going as much as possible to the end of the year. So at least 2 more IVF and hopefully a FET. Going to another IVF next is us trying to get more embies to freeze. So we can do FET after. But the way things have been going idk if we will get any more to freeze. And if the one we have doesn’t thaw well, that’s it. 

So I’d have to wait a month from here before doing IVF 3. More waiting. More wasted time. More people moving on and getting their happy endings and rainbows leaving me behind in the barren dry dust. 

Another tww

We are in a two week wait again. Wait two weeks for another baseline appointment because my ovaries are still too pissed off and active. I’m on birth control for the next two weeks to try to calm them down, or let them calm down rather. Two weeks might not be enough time. We might have to wait even longer. It’s bs. I’m so disappointed. I don’t have time to waste. But other than sing lullabies to my ovaries, there’s not much I can do. But wait…

So Fresh

I left off with our bfn IVF cycle. I thought we would do a fet with our one frozen embaby. But Mr. Big and I are so scared of the single frostie not surviving the thaw and wasting all that time and a cycle. We really only have until the end of this year to make this work, thanks to insurance and $ issues. 

So we decided to go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. To maybe get more embryos to freeze. Given what happened last cycle, that’s a big maybe. I called my clinic and got a call back from the big guy personally. The owner/creator/head RE/fertility god. I haven’t even met him yet since he was on vacation my last cycle. But he’s back now! He said that us getting 25 eggs and winding up with only 2 embryos was very unusual and something was wrong. (No shit) 

He said that most of the eggs were bad quality. He’s changing up the stim drug (menopur now instead of gonal f) and putting me on a ketogenic diet. High fat, some protein, no grain, no gluten, low carb. I have instructions to eat lots of kale and fish. 

So we will hopefully have enough good embryos to do another fresh transfer and put another one (or ten! Haha I wish) on ice. I’m very aware that frozen transfers can work better as your body is less messed up from all the drugs. That’s why I want to get more on ice. I’ll probably only transfer one for the fresh cycle. 

Of course all this is IF it even works. If menopur agrees with me. If my strict diet is enough. We could wind up with nothing. But I refuse to think that will happen. I’m really trying to go into this positively. 

And here on the worst Mother’s Day for me yet, I wait for Aunt Flo. Last Mother’s Day I was unaware I had just gotten pregnant. That ended weeks later. This one, I just lost a perfectly good embaby that seems to never have attached. 

IVF bfn are really hard. With all the other tries I never knew if the embryo even existed. This time everything was “perfect”. There’s no reason it shouldn’t have worked. Our embaby was excellent quality. My lining was great. (I do know that even though an embryo is excellent quality it doesn’t mean it was genetically normal. Only 50% are. We can’t afford the testing to find out.) 

Did you use menopur for stims? How did it work for you? Specifically if you have pcos too. 

bffn

So today was beta day. According to FRER this morning I’m not pregnant. The nurse with the sad voice confirmed the beta is negative too. 

Next step? Aside from wine (lots of wine) and rare steak? FET. As soon as I start bleeding our fet cycle starts. I’m already petrified. We only have one embaby on ice. If it doesn’t survive the thaw, it’s a waste of a month and cycle. I won’t know if it thaws ok until an hour or so before the transfer. The clinic is 2 hours away. 

I only have until the end of this year to get as many cycles in as possible. That’s it. If no baby by New Year’s Eve, then no baby ever. I can’t afford to waste time. Especially when I produce a ton of shit eggs, apparently. Not a shit ton. A ton of shit. Or a shit ton of shit. 

This week has been hell. I lost my only source of income. And DH can’t support both of us. Getting a job is really tough around here. Unless I want to work at mcdonalds. Nope. And now a bfn of our beautiful embaby. There was no reason that it shouldn’t have worked. The cherry on the sundae? Fucking Mother’s Day is Sunday. Last year at this time I had just gotten pregnant. Just conceived. My one pregnancy that ended horribly weeks later. 

I need to win the lotto (but can’t afford to play) and need to win the pregnancy lotto too. 

I honestly don’t know how much I’ll blog about the next cycles. I’m understandably feeling pretty down and discouraged. I just don’t know if I want to write about it. We’ll see I guess. But if and when I disappear, don’t be shocked. I’ll be back to update at the end of each cycle I’m sure. But that’s it. I will be active on twitter though. As I have been. You can find me @myectopic. Wish me luck. I need it. 

Transfer

I woke up at 5am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Partly because it felt like Christmas morning. Partly because my butt hurt so bad and was spasming thanks to the PIO shot. 😖

When it was time, I put on my lucky kitty socks from My Perfect Breakdown and grabbed the very positive book she sent me. 

  
I’m ready.

I got accupuncture just before the transfer. As well as a Valium to relax the muscles so there was no spasming or contracting. If you have the option and are not driving yourself, take the Valium! 

The RE came in and showed us or embryos. We wound up with 1 graded 4AB and 1 graded 3 AA. Given our circumstance he/we decided to put one in and freeze the other. The 3AA is frozen (I just hope it thaws when we need it). The 4AB is hopefully making a home in my uterus. Which was “standing upright” for the procedure. I’ve never heard that before. Thanks swollen ovaries. So naturally it took him 4 tries to get the practice catheter in place. The loaded catheter went in fine. There was discomfort. There was pressure. There was pinching. But no part of this process is comfortable, is it? It was quick though. I layed down for a little after that and went home, where I got more acupuncture. 

Acupuncture really helped. It warmed me up and seriously relaxed me. I’m going back for “implantation acupuncture” Saturday. 

I’m taking it easy today. But not on bed rest. Apparently the uterus likes you to sit up, not lay down, and have light movement. According to Mr. Big’s research anyways. 

My blood pregnancy test is Friday May 8th. I have no idea how long it takes to get those results. Wishing for a sticky, healthy embaby. 

Mr. Big has really stepped up. I’m on progesterone now which my body loves. So I’m not such an emotional wreck. I’m sure that helps us both. But I think it’s finally ‘real’ for him. He got to see the embaby on the ultrasound in my upright uterus. He’s looking up all sorts of info on what to do in the TWW and how to take care of me. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. 

Sidenote, I never had to really think about all the things you need to do and not do when pregnant. I didn’t think I would be. And I’m not yet. PUPO is a bit different. But I need to eat and act pregnant. The nurse said to avoid salmon because of the mercury. I thought salmon was one of the better ones?  If you have credible sources I can look up of what to do and what not to do, could you post a link? It’s very odd to act pregnant with an embaby on board. And I want to take care of it! What do you do in the IVF TWW? 

Day 4

Today is day 4 after fertilization in the Petri dish. We have 2 good looking embryos in the morula stage. They want us to do the transfer tomorrow on day 5. 

25 to 2. Unbelievable. 

Let’s hope they both grow today so I can bring them home tomorrow together. 

Once I have them back inside me I think I’ll allow myself to hope. 

Bad news

We had 18 fertilized eggs on Saturday. Today, we have 2 embryos and maybe a 3rd that they’re watching. 

I’m so mad. And of course crying my eyes out. 

They called to give me the option to transfer early day 4 or wait to see if any make it to day 5. 

I opted so far to have them call me tomorrow morning day 4 and update me about them and then I’ll decide. 

What would you do? If you’ve been through this what did you do?

I’m devestated because getting 25 eggs in the first place had my stupid hopes up for lots of embryos and some to freeze. Now this. There’s a very real chance that none will survive to day 5. I have no more words.