Maybe there IS a reason…

I used to be part of the everything happens for a reason crowd. Since the ectopic loss I’ve been struggling with that. How can I believe that but go through what I have? There is no reason! I’m not religious. Spiritual, yes. The closest I’ll come to an organized religion is Buddhism and that’s not even technically a religion. So for me, throw all that god-works-in-mysterious-ways stuff right out the window.

Then I have days like today. Where it seems like the universe is sending me signs that maybe a baby isn’t in the cards for me. Maybe I’m not meant to have kids. Maybe WE are not meant to have kids together. We made one and the universe took it from us.

I struggled for a long time on the decision to have kids. When I was very young I knew I wanted them. Or maybe it was just what came next after marriage. Then I got older and I dated. I saw what kids did to the relationships around me. I’m a product of a horrible marriage and finally a divorce when I was 5. I decided that maybe I didn’t want kids, if I was in a good relationship. I didn’t want to ruin what good I had.

Not that having kids ruins anything, just that it adds stresses. As I’m now finding out even when you don’t have kids but you lose one and then struggle to make another, that adds strains too.

Then I met DH and got married. We were both undecided about kids until his clock started ticking and he decided. I had to put serious thought into it, but after soul searching decided I wanted not just one, but two. When I was young I wanted two as well so it’s no surprise.

But days like today I wonder if we can survive being married with a baby. Then a toddler. Or two. Then a teenager. Or two. You get us sleep deprived, sex deprived, or stressed about money or outside factors and it’s a recipe for irrational arguments. Guess what kids bring? All of the above at once!

My hairdresser informed me that she had a miscarriage when I told her about my ectopic. She is a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. She and her husband wound up getting a divorce so she still thinks there was a reason for her miscarriage. She wasn’t saying I’d get divorced, just that maybe there was a reason I hadn’t yet seen. I was shocked that she said that to me. And kind of infuriated. And of course every time there’s an issue or an argument her words pop back into my hormonal brain.

So maybe there is a reason. Maybe not. Maybe I’m hormonal as usual these days and sensitive. Tell me I’m not the only one to think these things…and then feel completely guilty for it. 😦

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