Am I still a mother?

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After the ectopic I obviously struggled with grief, and the question ‘Am I still a mother?’

My DH had a better time with it. In his eyes it wasn’t a baby yet, and I completely get that. I was only about 7 weeks along (I think).  We had no ultrasound picture. We heard no heartbeat.  The baby would only have been about the size of a pea, which is why we called it our little pea.

As a woman, the one to physically go through all the pain, the one to pee on a stick and see the double lines, the one to feel pregnant, I can’t dismiss it all so easily.

I was torn between feeling like I shouldn’t be as upset because of the facts mentioned above, and feeling like utter hell. I didn’t have that long to get attached. But I also didn’t need that long.  I didn’t consider myself a mother. I had not given birth in my opinion. I wondered if anyone in my situation did think of themselves as a mother. I wondered if I should? If I had the ‘right’ to.

I stumbled upon the above quote and I have to say, I agree. It makes me tear up to read it. I may not have given birth, heard a heart beat, or had an ultrasound picture. But damnit I – we – created a baby. So yes. I am a mother. I won’t celebrate on Mother’s Day. I will grieve on that day each year.

As I mentioned before, it took me a while to come to the realization that I even wanted kids. But the turmoil of losing one proved just how much I do want one. Two actually if it’s in the cards for me. To be able to celebrate on Mother’s Day.

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