My Friday Ritual

Another Friday spent next to my phone waiting for it to ring. Like a school girl waiting for her crush to call and ask her out. But my crush is my doctor. My date would be rite aid to get femara (hopefully).

A question I have for all of you who chart bbt, how much higher should my bbt go when taking provera (progesterone)? When I was pregnant my temp (taken orally) was well over 98.
I don’t know what my temp would be post ovulation as I haven’t been able to chart an ovulation cycle yet. This cycle (vaginal temp) it’s almost 98 the past few days (on provera) and my coverline I think would be around 97.7 so not much of a rise. image
Last cycle (oral temp) my temp barely rose during provera.
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Progesterone raises your temp. So taking it for 5 days should raise it similar to an ovulation rise right? Or maybe it’s too low of a dose?

Yes I’m over analyzing because it’s all I can do. Because if I have any other cycle issues aside from not ovulating I’d like to know. So I can try to control my body and my situation which I can’t actually control. But the illusion of control is comforting. The illusion of being able to do something to help.

On another note:
My ex friend F unfriended me on Facebook which we all know in this era means a friendship is officially over. I thought I may have accidentally done it when my app was acting up so I texted her to ask and her classy lack of response confirms what I suspected. No warning. No reason. I haven’t even talked to her or about her since our coffee weeks ago.

I already grieved this loss. The girl I had been best friends with for over a decade has been gone for a long time. I do not want this new her in my life. So it’s no more a loss now that it’s ‘facebook official’. It doesn’t warrant anything more than a shrug from me.

I wasn’t going to do the passive aggressive thing that she did because I’m an adult and in the future when her 2 faced BFF and sister in laws stab her in the back again I still would have been there for her. (The same people she talks so much shit about behind their backs btw).

The people you spend your time with rub off on you. Especially her. When she separates herself from these people after they stab her in the back again, she will go back to the person I used to know. But I won’t be there.

Or maybe she’s always been this awful 2 faced girl and now the veil has been lifted and I see her for what she really is.

Regardless, closure is good. Still a little sad but relieving. It’s like a dark cloud has lifted.

I know what stress can do to the body. She put me through a ton of stress when I got pregnant. Part of me kind of wonders if maybe that didn’t have an effect on my tube function or lack there of. Not that it matters now. At least it won’t matter in the future. Less stress. Less drama. Better baby making/baking environment for me!

One of the last things I saw F post was baby shower pics from her new BFF. She referred to her new BFF as amazing. (Yes the same one she trash talked about to me so much is now ‘amazing’). Yes I know especially by now that pregnancy that ends in a live baby is wonderful. But getting and staying knocked up successfully on your first try is not ‘amazing’. (I talked to her before about ttc so I know it was her first try). She is the 3 out of 4. The majority.

You know who is actually amazing? Us. The infertiles who keep on going. The 1 out of 4. The 1 out of 50. Those of us who have gone through a loss or ten and still live on. A lot of us with hope none the less. We are amazing. We are extraordinary. We are stronger. We are deserving of our happy endings. Those of us who have gone through these struggles and come out on the other side with a rainbow or two are amazing. Those pregnancies and births are truly amazing.

Maybe upon seeing that on October 15th of all days just made me bitter. So maybe I’m a bitter bitch. (Sue me) But seriously. I can’t be the only one who would react like this.

Facebook is not for us. We should create an infertile facebook. Barrenbook.

So, that’s that. And I’m perfectly happy with it. My life feels less negative and less stressed already. It’s done, my rant is done, and time to move forward. Moving forward with several other friends (1 in particular) who have been so great through my horrid year. Friends who understand. Friends who are going through a lot in their lives physically and emotionally but are still by my side.

Although, since it’s about 7pm it’s safe to say my doc stood me up. 😦 I need to start the drugs on day 3 of my cycle so if she gets a hold of me mon (and gets the script in) we should be ok. That’s a big if though. Who knows if she’s even in the office mon…

Day 12: Music

Capture Your Grief

Day 12: Music

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So I’ve decided that I’m only doing the capture your grief projects that I can do. I realized lately that some don’t really apply to me or I can’t get my own photos to go with them. Or I just don’t feel like going into that topic that day.

Music is one I can do. I’ve already posted lyrics to a song that struck a chord with me this week.

Today’s post is part of the song Halo by Beyonce. It’s about her miscarriage. This one reminds me of my ectopic experience for several reasons. 1) Listening to the song and the story behind it finally helped Mr. Big feel our loss. He needed it. I needed him to feel it finally. It took him about 4 months to get there. 2) The first paragraph resonates with me. My loss helped me really understand just how much I want to be a mother. Our pea was only here with me for a short time, but in those 2 months I managed to get attached. It was a pea, a cluster of cells, but it broke down my walls. It was more than that to me. He was my baby.

Capture your grief. Day 3: Before

Day 3: Before

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Day 3: BEFORE.
Who were you before your children died? Hopeful. Certain things did not cross my mind. I was sometimes bright and colorful. But other times depressed and washed out. I hate winter. I love the sunshine and warm breezes. I love rose season.
Do you miss anything about that person? My ignorance. My innocence. My hope. I feel more washed out these days than bright and colorful.
What did you love about that person? My constant search for my zen. My nirvana when I had it, when I was at peace within myself. My not giving up attitude. My focus on something other than loss, fear, and hopelessness.
Did you dislike anything? Of course. My negativity at times for one.
Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing? Everyone is in a constant state of change. Of course I was always changing. But there is a distinct difference in me pre and post loss.

Coping when you don’t believe in god.

*If you are religious, this post is not for you. It shouldn’t be offensive (my intent is never malicious), but it is meant for people who do not believe in organized religion.*

As I mentioned before I am not religious. I was raised catholic. My dad was catholic. My mom is a born again Christian. I had to go through all the hoops and bible school (or get my butt whooped), but I never really believed.

I am able to appreciate the “I’m praying for you” and understand where people are coming from and what they are trying to say. But it offers little or no comfort. It sometimes crosses boundaries and adds more stress to my life, especially when it comes to my mother. Her response shortly after my ectopic surgery was that she had a grand baby in heaven with god. Obviously, that conversation ended there.

I stumbled across this article today called “Coping with your child’s death when you don’t believe in god.” It is the first thing of its kind that I’ve read post ectopic that I really agree with. I could have written most of it. So I’m putting it out here for any of you that share my beliefs, or lack there of.

I also want to thank this community for respecting boundaries. I know a lot of people here are religious. I have not felt like I’ve had someone else’s religion shoved down my throat. I have not been offended. I hopefully have not managed to offend anyone else. This place is very healing and open, which is unlike most places on the internet. I respect all of you deeply.

Moving On

Warning: This may make you cry and/or sad. Do not watch this if you’re not prepared to cry.

Maybe it won’t make you cry, but my DH (I’m calling him Mr.Big from now on because that’s his nickname) and I cried like babies when we watched this. I was pregnant at the time. Watching it again now, so very not pregnant, I still cry. Maybe I’m just a crybaby now.

Below is a short about moving on. It involves yarn and child loss and new birth. I’m sorry if you watch it and it makes you cry or makes you sad. Or angry. I don’t even know why I like it so much. It’s awful and beautiful.

Moving On: A Stop-motion Music Video for ‘James’ Made with Yarn by Ainslie Henderson

…which brings me to this.

Now that I know everything does not happen for a reason, one door does not always open when another closes, silver linings don’t exist, how am I supposed to be that happy person? That care free girl able to let things roll off of her like I once was.

Now things, like a simple butting heads with DH yesterday, stick to me. They impact me. Even other people’s pain. Someone lost her husband abruptly recently and that hit me more than it should have. I’m like an exposed nerve. And it sucks. I have no crutch, no armor.

I found out yesterday that DH finally let himself feel our loss. Which explains why he’s been such an exposed nerve lately.  I know that he was pushing it aside for a while because he had to be strong for me.  Hopefully things will get better as we both heal and both of us move forwards now.

I also discovered that Beyoncé’s song ‘Halo’ is about her miscarriage. I had some odd dreams last night and that song was in my dreams. So I woke up with it stuck in my head.

Sorry to to be such a Debbie downer this week. I’ll go get some sunshine and turn this shit around. I still don’t know how to get back to the place where I can let things roll off of me. But I need to. The way this loss has affected me has not been good. I need some positivity that I can cling to. Or maybe I just need to learn, quickly, how to live in the present. Every single day. Just to only focus on the day I’m in.

Next Chapter: Something not f’ing depressing.