If it really doesn’t happen

Here comes a what if. What if the big O really doesn’t happen this cycle? Last cycle, with femara, by today(cd 23) I had a + opk and by tomorrow (cd24) I ovulated.

This cycle, with femara in the same dose but taken days 3-7 versus days 5-9 last time. This cycle I’m on my 4th day of blinky smiley faces. So high estrogen but no LH surge. No O yet. No solid smiley face.

If I don’t O, then it’s another waste. Waste of a bit of $, waste of resources. Waste of energy and time. Waste of hope. A build up of resentment at the universe for being in this damn situation. But hey, I ovulated twice this year! Can you feel my eye roll from here?

Do I wait it out? How long do I wait before giving up and inducing a bleed and starting over again? Do I do the next cycle on femara (probably a higher dose)? Do I just start the herbs now without inducing a bleed? Do I induce and then do herbs?

I have one more cycle on femara allowed before I’m cut loose and sent to a different doctor. A RE. Depending on cost of the visit and insurance, I was going to start herbs then. In 6 months if I wasn’t ovulating with herbs then I’d bite the bullet and see the RE. But right now I don’t know what to do. I have a strong feeling that I won’t get pregnant with femara. That the herbs will work. After a couple months of taking them.

So do I give in and just start now? Shouldn’t I start with a fresh new cycle?

Writing these questions out seemed to help. I think I’ll call my doc tomorrow and get her opinion. Probably induce a bleed and go one more round with a higher dose of femara.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and ovulate before then though. Come on solid smiley face!


There’s a secret to being fertile?

This week I was able to do something rare, something I never get to do. I cancelled one of my classes to do a fertile secret yoga workshop. I did a class for myself. It was fabulous. It was a support group/yoga for fertility class/acupuncture/aromatherapy all in one. Fertile secret is an odd title. Like the fertile people know something we don’t, and they’re not telling. Rude.

We started off talking about what brought us there and what we were feeling in the moment. It was the first time I have been in a room physically with people going through similar struggles. People who understood every raw emotion. Just being there listening to them made me tear up. It was therapeutic. It made me want to do something like that every week.

We did some gentle yoga for fertility which felt great. It was mostly relaxing, except for the one couple in the room who kept whispering loudly to each other.

The acupuncturists came in and placed needles. I had the girl I usually see. I got a needle in the top of my head which was a first for me. Being in a room with others I wasn’t able to relax as I usually do. A couple of them fell asleep and snored softly. Glad I’m not the only one who does that. I felt the top of the head needle go in and it was a little uncomfortable for a few seconds. I did notice though that if my mind wandered and I got stressed at all I could feel the needles until I relaxed again. Once I relaxed, I was unaware they were in. Funny how that works.

I had a lavender oil cotton ball on my left shoulder, and a citrus one on my right. They smelled heavenly. I have got to find out what those oils were exactly.

I also recently received a yoga for fertility DVD from Dawn at Our Greatest Desire. Thank you so much! The live yoga for fertility classes in my area are booked and the times don’t work well with my schedule. These DVDs will help. I love that it’s a different section for each stage of the cycle! I was able to get one follicular in before moving on to my most important one, ovulatory.

Well, let’s hope it’s actually ovulatory for me this cycle. I know it’s early (like day 11) and very unlikely I’ll ovulate before cd 14, but not seeing that smiley face on my opk every day adds stress and sadness and kills my hope a little. Even though I know better. If I didn’t have to chart and opk (I’m not being monitored or anything) I totally would skip it. This is where the yoga will come in handy.

If you’ve been here, how did you deal? How did you keep the “what if the meds don’t produce ovulation” thoughts at bay? Because my realist mind has that nagging in it.

I just accepted this week that I no longer am fertile with a loss. I am dealing with infertility issues. After the ectopic I clung to the thought that I must be fertile at least because it was so easy to get pregnant with the ectopic. Mr. Big’s swimmers must be great. The only thing wrong with me was my tube which is gone now. HA! Acceptance, by the way, is overrated.