Salty Surprise

If you have played cards against humanity you may have seen the awesome salty surprise card. If you haven’t played, go do it.

Upstate NY is a salty surprise today. After all the crap weather has cleared up and streets are clear again, there’s salt everywhere. I could wash my poor car twice a day (but it’s too cold to do so) and it wouldn’t matter. There’s clouds of salt on the road instead of snow. Salt in my house. Salt in my car. Salt on my dog (the pet safe kind). This has nothing to do with ectopics or infertility, I just felt like sharing.

Where am I on my quest to make a baby? Well thanks to the higher dose of Femara I ovulated. On cd 13!!! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning I’m so excited! Starting 2015 out right!

I’m not sure about our timing of baby dancing as I wasn’t expecting to ovulate in a timely manner. But we bd 4 days before ovulation, day of ovulation, and day after ovulation. I ovulated the same day or night of my +opk. I’m not sure which side I ovulated from either. Last time I really felt it. This time I’ve had some discomfort on my left side (the tubeless side) but that’s really it. No obvious popping.

I’ve made it a goal (not a resolution) to do yoga for fertility every day in 2015. Bare minimum is legs up wall pose for 5 mins. I’m doing good so far. Mr. Big even does legs up wall before bed with me! So far of 3 (medicated) cycles, the one cycle I didn’t do yoga in I didn’t ovulate in.

I’ve been more positive too. I notice the times my thoughts turn negative or pessimistic (or realistic) and I turn them into positive ones. The yoga has helped me breathe and meditate. I’ve had a visualization of a baby/embryo in a womb come up out of nowhere. So I’m trying to hold onto that.

I’m just trying. If this cycle doesn’t work I’ve decided to go onto herbs. The ones that worked for me before. Or seemed to work before. But also get a consult with a RE at a fertility center. This doctor is one of the top in the world or so I’m told. Who knows how long it’ll take to get in. A couple of months I think.

I’m undecided on taking vitex. I’m going to do tribulus, maca, Damiana. I have vitex I just don’t know if I should start it. There’s so many mixed feelings about it out there. If you have experience with vitex please let me know your thoughts.

Let’s just hope I don’t even need to decide. 🙂 Let the two week wait begin. Hopefully it’s actually a 2 week wait and not a 9 day wait like last ovulation cycle.

Anyone else in the 2ww? May the odds be ever in our favor!

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F it, I’m having a latte!

I’m an avid tea drinker. Used to be anyways. Earl grey and green and anything in between.

After my ectopic pregnancy I read that black and green tea have something in them that can cause the cilia in the Fallopian tubes to stop functioning. Resulting in an ectopic. Granted you need to drink a TON in order for that to happen. More than most people do. Like tea all day every day instead of anything else. Gallons. So no where near what I was drinking. But I stopped black and green tea once we started ttc again.

Caffeine is also supposed to be bad for fertility. Even in tea amounts.

Certain herbs and flowers (like the daisy family) in tea can also impact fertility. In regards to Fallopian tube function, ovulation, creating a hostile environment for sperm etc.

I found that every tea I had and had been consuming, with the exception of peppermint tea which I don’t like, had something in it I shouldn’t have. Or had too much caffeine. So I stopped. Cold turkey. I’m a grumpy sonofabitch in the cold winter morning without it. I haven’t found a replacement yet. I just need something warm that tastes good. Not warm milk because that will put me back to sleep. Not hot chocolate as much as I would love it. If you have suggestions please let me know.

After realizing that I wasn’t ovulating anyways, I kind of said F it. During my period, I have red raspberry tea. Before my supposed ovulation or lack there of I have earl grey or green. When it gets close to when one should ovulate, I quit again. I never have coffee or lattes.

But right now I feel kind of hopeless. I feel like, if it’s going to happen then it’ll happen. Regardless of what I do or don’t do.

So F it. I’m having a sugar cookie latte.

If it really doesn’t happen

Here comes a what if. What if the big O really doesn’t happen this cycle? Last cycle, with femara, by today(cd 23) I had a + opk and by tomorrow (cd24) I ovulated.

This cycle, with femara in the same dose but taken days 3-7 versus days 5-9 last time. This cycle I’m on my 4th day of blinky smiley faces. So high estrogen but no LH surge. No O yet. No solid smiley face.

If I don’t O, then it’s another waste. Waste of a bit of $, waste of resources. Waste of energy and time. Waste of hope. A build up of resentment at the universe for being in this damn situation. But hey, I ovulated twice this year! Can you feel my eye roll from here?

Do I wait it out? How long do I wait before giving up and inducing a bleed and starting over again? Do I do the next cycle on femara (probably a higher dose)? Do I just start the herbs now without inducing a bleed? Do I induce and then do herbs?

I have one more cycle on femara allowed before I’m cut loose and sent to a different doctor. A RE. Depending on cost of the visit and insurance, I was going to start herbs then. In 6 months if I wasn’t ovulating with herbs then I’d bite the bullet and see the RE. But right now I don’t know what to do. I have a strong feeling that I won’t get pregnant with femara. That the herbs will work. After a couple months of taking them.

So do I give in and just start now? Shouldn’t I start with a fresh new cycle?

Writing these questions out seemed to help. I think I’ll call my doc tomorrow and get her opinion. Probably induce a bleed and go one more round with a higher dose of femara.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and ovulate before then though. Come on solid smiley face!

Half agony, half hope.

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Yesterday I told Mr. Big that I thought I wasn’t going to ovulate. I’ve been using the advanced digital ovulation kit with the blinking smiley face, sans any kind of smiley face.

Until today. Blinky smiley face. And egg white mucus. Can we call them fluids? Or a sperm lazy river? Mucus is such a gross word for something we need to check in order to see if ovulation might happen.

If you are unfamiliar with this opk kit, the blinky smiley face means estrogen is surging and in 2 days (or longer, or not at all) the solid smiley face shows up for the lh surge. Maybe ovulation happens after that.

Anyways, if I ovulate it’ll be late. There are so many cases out there of ovulating on cd 23 or 24 and getting pregnant. That gives me hope. Hell any ovulation no matter when gives me hope.

But last cycle it was on cd 24, and I only had a 9 day luteal phase followed by AF. Plus the odds are against me now all the time anyways. Cue the agony.

I am on a hope roller coaster. One day I can see myself getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. It’s almost a feeling of I know it will happen. Like an epiphany. I keep having feelings like it’ll happen in early spring. There’s no logical reason for these feelings. But they give me hope. Then there’s the doubts. The realist in me. The part of me that sees the odds. The part that knows there is no reason to have those feelings or too much hope. That sees that femara makes me ovulate, but not in a timely fashion. With a short luteal phase to boot. I think I have more days of hope, not agony. At least right now.

That’s all. Back to watching american horror story and knitting. And hope.

On cd 23 I finally got a damn ☺! On cd 24 it appears I actually ovulated. My temp rose for 3 days (today is day 3) and is higher today than it has been since I was pregnant. Let’s hope it stays up for the next 9 months! Fertility friend gave me crosshairs (solid crosshairs) for the first time.

Pre ovulation I felt like crap. Thanks hormones. I had cramping in the few days leading up to it mainly on my right side (the side with a tube) and the cramping on the right woke me up one night. I guess since the ectopic I’m one of the women who can feel ovulation. It’s really nice to know what that all feels like and how my body reacts to ovulation, finally!
Hopefully this means I ovulated from my right ovary too. The day I got my temp rise, I felt great. No more fatigue and bloating. My body loves progesterone. My high temp makes me think my progesterone is in a good place too.

I’ve had twinges on my right side after ovulation. Is it possible to feel the egg travel down the tube? Or does the tube contract to help move it? Since I had an ectopic I’m at a higher risk for it happening again, so I am thinking positively. The twinges are not the egg getting stuck, they’re the egg moving along to where it needs to go.

So obviously cd 24 is a late ovulation, which I thought wouldn’t happen on femara. Maybe taking femara days 3-7 instead of 5-9 will give an earlier ovulation?

Is there any truth to what I’ve read via stupid google that a late ovulation usually involves an older, less than stellar egg? Does late ovulation even actually make a difference?

So, I begin the 2 week wait. *twiddles thumbs*

Thanksgiving morning I will get to test, if AF doesn’t show up by then. I’m going to do my best to not POAS until then. I’d really like to have a BFP to be very thankful for that night.

A day or so before I got my ☺, a spotless ladybug hitched a ride home on my car. There were several more, with spots, waiting on my house. I was hoping they were good luck. Seems like they may have been. First ovulation since May! Hopefully that luck will continue.

For all of you who are waiting on a ☺ or a second line or a heartbeat, good luck to you as well!

Seriously!?

Well, I’m officially pissed off.

Judging by my chart and all negative opk tests when I’m on cd 17 I have the suspicion that even with the drug that’s supposed to make me ovulate, my stupid body still is going to refuse to do so.

I’m giving it until like cd 23 before I get more provera to induce yet another bleed to start yet another now hopeless cycle.

If I indeed don’t ovulate this time, the amount of loathing I will have for this body of mine will be unfathomable. I’m already in a vicious hate cycle with it. I lost my respect for it, so I eat, and then hate it even more.

I know the dose of femara will just increase the next cycle and HOPEFULLY that will do the trick. But who freaking knows right? Because why would my body do what it was designed to do? Why would it function properly? Why would I ovulate?

If I were ovulating and we were not getting pregnant I would not be as upset. Not right away anyways. I know there’s only like a 20% chance each cycle if you ovulate. But it’s sure as hell better than 0%! Right now I am infertile. I don’t just have infertility issues. I’m sterile. Or barren. Or whatever you want to call it.

I’m just pissed off. Each day that passes without the damn smiley face drains more hope. My frown gets bigger and droops more. Grumpy cat has got nothing on me!

 

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Thanks google for the pic. Found here.

 

There’s still a glimmer of hope that I’m jumping the gun and worrying for nothing. That maybe I missed the lh surge and did ovulate. That maybe I’ll just ovulate late. That maybe even if it doesn’t happen this month, next month it will. But that glimmer is getting dimmer each minute.

There’s a secret to being fertile?

This week I was able to do something rare, something I never get to do. I cancelled one of my classes to do a fertile secret yoga workshop. I did a class for myself. It was fabulous. It was a support group/yoga for fertility class/acupuncture/aromatherapy all in one. Fertile secret is an odd title. Like the fertile people know something we don’t, and they’re not telling. Rude.

We started off talking about what brought us there and what we were feeling in the moment. It was the first time I have been in a room physically with people going through similar struggles. People who understood every raw emotion. Just being there listening to them made me tear up. It was therapeutic. It made me want to do something like that every week.

We did some gentle yoga for fertility which felt great. It was mostly relaxing, except for the one couple in the room who kept whispering loudly to each other.

The acupuncturists came in and placed needles. I had the girl I usually see. I got a needle in the top of my head which was a first for me. Being in a room with others I wasn’t able to relax as I usually do. A couple of them fell asleep and snored softly. Glad I’m not the only one who does that. I felt the top of the head needle go in and it was a little uncomfortable for a few seconds. I did notice though that if my mind wandered and I got stressed at all I could feel the needles until I relaxed again. Once I relaxed, I was unaware they were in. Funny how that works.

I had a lavender oil cotton ball on my left shoulder, and a citrus one on my right. They smelled heavenly. I have got to find out what those oils were exactly.

I also recently received a yoga for fertility DVD from Dawn at Our Greatest Desire. Thank you so much! The live yoga for fertility classes in my area are booked and the times don’t work well with my schedule. These DVDs will help. I love that it’s a different section for each stage of the cycle! I was able to get one follicular in before moving on to my most important one, ovulatory.

Well, let’s hope it’s actually ovulatory for me this cycle. I know it’s early (like day 11) and very unlikely I’ll ovulate before cd 14, but not seeing that smiley face on my opk every day adds stress and sadness and kills my hope a little. Even though I know better. If I didn’t have to chart and opk (I’m not being monitored or anything) I totally would skip it. This is where the yoga will come in handy.

If you’ve been here, how did you deal? How did you keep the “what if the meds don’t produce ovulation” thoughts at bay? Because my realist mind has that nagging in it.

I just accepted this week that I no longer am fertile with a loss. I am dealing with infertility issues. After the ectopic I clung to the thought that I must be fertile at least because it was so easy to get pregnant with the ectopic. Mr. Big’s swimmers must be great. The only thing wrong with me was my tube which is gone now. HA! Acceptance, by the way, is overrated.

Waiting for O day

Waiting to ovulate. Story of my life these days huh?

I have femara in my possession and am on day 3 of taking it. I’ve never been so excited to take a drug made for cancer patients.  Here’s to ovulating! Let’s hope. To the big O, and beyond.

I’d like to do acupuncture as well this cycle but I just don’t have the extra money.  So it’s all up to femara.  My doc said I can try femara for 3 cycles and then I’ll officially be sent to a RE and probably for injectables. But, that’s not my plan.  Come new year, if I’m not pregnant then I’m starting vitex and maca root etc. Assuming I do actually ovulate on femara. Either way I’ll probably see the RE.

Round 1

The other night I attended a networking event for local female entrepreneurs.  It was the first time I had to have a conversation about my loss with a stranger.  This woman was in skin care, and asked about my skin issues. I told her I have acne that won’t go away due to my hormones being messed up from being pregnant.  Am I nursing? No I’m not.  So I have a little one at home huh? No. I don’t. The pregnancy ended badly. Cue the deafening sound of the conversation coming to an awkward screeching halt. So it ended badly is all I could say about it. Next time I’ll do better. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for her. Because my shitty life made her uncomfortable. I’m shaking my head.

Round 2

Last night I went to a halloween party with a bunch of people I’ve never met, and who know nothing about my ectopic and infertility struggles. I’m an introvert. It’s an effort to open up in situations like that. But there was a seemingly cool young woman there so I struck up a conversation. Trying to make friends and mingle. Trying to have some semblance of normalcy. I even drank some hard cider!

Within minutes I realized that approaching this 26 year old woman was a mistake. I had found fertile fucking myrtle of all people! 26, engaged for years but not married, 3 unplanned kids. Smoked cigarettes and pot the entire time she was pregnant and her kids turned out fine so far. (Never would have pegged her for that type by looking at her.)

She asked if we had kids, and all I said was not yet but we were trying. How old are we? 30. Oh well it’s good that you waited that long! It’s a good thing to be out of your 20’s before having a kid. Bit my tongue a lot there. I’m not exactly waiting by choice you bimbo! Yes I have a baby but he didn’t survive you insensitive ass! If he had survived I’d still be pregnant and not smoking anything because I’d actually care about my baby you twit!

Then all night long I had her camera and phone shoved in my face with pictures of all her kids and their many poses. Forcing a fake smile and nod through it all. God forbid I make someone else feel uncomfortable this week. This is what I get for trying to come out of my shell. This is what I get for thinking I can ever be normal. This is what happens when I try to make a friend or mingle.

I eventually just shut up and tried to pretend I was really engrossed in the game of beer pong being played in front of me. So then she had to ask if I was fighting with Mr. Big. Nope. Was it her? Had she upset me? Grit my teeth. Nope. Had she said something? Grit harder. Nope. Just leave me alone, I silently wished.

Mr. Big was standing on the other side of the room watching me. He said he watched the progression on my face. It went from ok, to annoyed, to pissed, to oh shit this dumb broad is going to get kicked. So he came over and without saying even 1 complete sentence to eachother he knew exactly what was wrong. Of course he thinks of her and the situation the same way I do. Luckily she left us alone for the rest of the night. Guess I just can’t fake it like I used to. Frankly my dear I just don’t give a damn. Screw the fertile’s comfort.

I had thought at one brief point that I’d take her aside and explain why I was upset. But then I thought, nah.

I tapped out after that. No more, you win. Let me go lick my wounds in a quiet, smoke-free corner.

Today I feel like crap. Tired because we didn’t go to bed until 3am which is way past any bed time of mine in like a year. Headaches all day which I’m guessing is the femara side effects starting. Feeling sick because all I can smell are cigarettes. I got way too much second hand smoke last night. It’s not in my hair or on my clothes. It’s in my lungs. How freaking gross. Never going to be in that situation again. Keeping my distance from now on. Screw mingling. Nausea is how I’m ending my night. Also a femara side effect I think. (Maybe?) Or a mixture of that and the smoke sickness.

Halloween we have another party to attend. With hopefully more people that we actually know. Hopefully with less smoking or more of an option to escape too. Maybe, I’ll even ovulate. 🙂

The Big O, or lack there of.

Cd 18. Another – opk. If I were going to ovulate ‘on time’ (by cd 21) wouldn’t I have a LH surge by now? How bad is ‘late’ ovulation? I of course have heard of late ovulators getting a BFP but I have no idea how those pregnancies turned out. How long do I wait once cd 21 comes and goes before going back to the doctor?

I have heard that women are ‘more fertile’ after the HSG test because it can clear out mucus etc in the tubes. Since I’m at a higher risk for another ectopic I’ll take all the help I can get cleaning my lonely tube so I don’t have to go through that again. BUT what the hell good is that if I don’t friggin’ ovulate!? How long after the HSG would the tube be more cleared? One cycle, three?

If I don’t ovulate and go to the doctor what do I do? I’d like to go the vitex route I think but that takes so long to start working. Again, how long would the tube be cleared out for? But what else is there? Clomid? Clomid scares me. The side effects plus dropping more than 2 eggs at a time. I could handle twins. Mr. Big doesn’t want twins but damnit I/we want 2 kids so why not get it out of the way in one shot if I can? It’s my vagina damnit. 🙂 But if I get 3+ ready to drop then I have to skip that cycle right? That could be even more wasted time.

Have any of you dealt with anovulation? I’d love to hear your stories. If you have taken vitex I’d also like to hear how it worked for you, what it did for you. Same with Clomid.

I’m so mad right now. Sure I have a little hope I’ll ovulate by cd 21 or just ovulate late. But given my last few months and my negative nancy/ realistic mood I’m trying to prepare for the worst. My body flat out refuses to let me even try to get pregnant. Infuriating. Ttc is all I can focus on lately. My body just continues to add insult to injury. If it were an employee I would have fired it by now!

My acupuncturist wants me to do another session if I’m not ovulating, but I can’t afford another $60 for it this month. I’ve done 2 already.

I’m emotionally snacking right now. 😦 It doesn’t help anything I know. But dark chocolate goji berry candies are delicious.

I’m done venting. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any experience you can share.

Ovulating 3 days after a period?

Ugh, charting. All the tension and drama that can go with it. Especially when you’re trying to get back on the ttc horse.

I woke up this morning only 30mins later than usual to find my temp spiked by about .6. I temp vaginally because orally was too erratic. I’m a mouth breather and on occasion I snore. Since I’ve been temping vaginally I haven’t seen a spike this large. If it were orally I wouldn’t think much of it. My temp was 98.46. It’s unusual for me to be much above 98.

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Im im really hoping I don’t ovulate this early. We haven’t BD in like 2 weeks so if this is an early cycle it’s a bust. Which is bittersweet because if so then at least I ovulated on my own. So hopefully I’ll do it again.

When I got pregnant with the ectopic, we BD 2 days after AF ended. I wasn’t temping or using opk so I don’t know when it happened that cycle. But that’s the earliest it could have happened. Two weeks after that I had sore boobs. Who knows?

This time I haven’t been using opk yet as I thought it was too early. I know only time will tell. I wouldn’t even be making a big deal of it if I hadn’t noticed the timing on the ectopic cycle. We shall see. Hopefully it’s a fluke…