I’m still here. Kind of. 

*Pregnancy mentioned* I do remember what it was like in the trenches. 

Ok first I swear I had a draft typed up of an update. Like months ago. But no idea what happened to it. 

After the Halloween bleed I had no more. It was just the suppositories irritating the cervix. Bleeding does not always mean the end. But try telling a hormonal pregnant woman with infertility and loss ptsd that. 

Weaning off the meds was terrifying and liberating. But mainly terrifying. All was ok though. I learned to trust my body a little. 

I wanted to update here. I wanted to write. But I was afraid. Afraid that talking about it would somehow jynx it. Also I didn’t want to hurt those in the trenches. I know how hard it is to read the daily or weekly bump updates. I didn’t want to be that person. Here’s a little. 

My pregnancy was very easy. Not mentally. I was a basket case always torn between waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying to enjoy every second of being pregnant. I love being pregnant. I had several colds. Which sucked. And the worst heartburn of my life. I was as big as a house. My butt grew like 3 sizes. But I loved it all. 

Once I finish my birth story I’ll put it here in more detail. 

My lo was due July 4.  He decided to come a month early. Landed himself in the nicu for just over a week. Which felt like a month. Time stands still in nicu. Much like I imagine time in hell would. If I believed in hell. But that’s another story. 

He was the biggest preemie in the nicu at 7lbs 5oz. He had an atrial flutter discovered at my routine ob apt at 35 weeks. They had to take him early. 

He was colicky. He has gerd. He has milk and soy allergies. He has breastfeeding issues so I have to exclusively pump. He is a high needs baby. (Google the dr sears explanation of that). He is allergic to sleep apparently. He has not let me put him down since birth. He is so much more intense than I ever imagined. 

And I know I should be so lucky. But holy hell is it hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is be his mother. But yes it’s worth it. So very worth it. He is perfect to me. 

Don’t get me started on my marriage either. That’s a whole other blog. Colic and gerd and screaming and allergies and never sleeping and more screaming reallllyy takes a toll…

So as you see I have had no time. None for my marriage. None for myself. None for this blog. Once I do get the time I will go into more detail. Of the birth. Of the nicu. Of marriage post baby. Of it all. 

I have not forgotten you. In the trenches. On the other side with me. Just starting your journey. 

I’ll be back. (Bonus points if you read that in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice) (what kind of name is Arnold anyways) 

Moving On

Warning: This may make you cry and/or sad. Do not watch this if you’re not prepared to cry.

Maybe it won’t make you cry, but my DH (I’m calling him Mr.Big from now on because that’s his nickname) and I cried like babies when we watched this. I was pregnant at the time. Watching it again now, so very not pregnant, I still cry. Maybe I’m just a crybaby now.

Below is a short about moving on. It involves yarn and child loss and new birth. I’m sorry if you watch it and it makes you cry or makes you sad. Or angry. I don’t even know why I like it so much. It’s awful and beautiful.

Moving On: A Stop-motion Music Video for ‘James’ Made with Yarn by Ainslie Henderson

Getting pregnant after the pill.

My husband and I had our 2 year anniversary this May. We had only recently decided (in April) that we definitely wanted to have a child. To be honest my husband’s clock was ticking, but I could not hear mine. It took me longer to come around to the idea of having a kid. But once we were both on the same page we decided, like many couples, to not actively try for a baby but to not prevent one. In other words, I stopped taking birth control. That was the end of April.

After a little online research I had convinced myself that it would take at least a few months for the effects of the pill to exit my system. WRONG. Within a week or two, I was unknowingly pregnant. I had symptoms but since I had been on the pill for 15 years I had no idea what my ovulation/pms symptoms would be. Or when they would be. I had bled for 9 straight months before being put on the pill in the first place.

My symptoms (some may be tmi): Vivid dreams that I remembered, strong & dark urine, a different but not bad smell down yonder, sore nips (1st sign), sore boobs, frequent urination, bloating like crazy, emotional, stronger sense of smell, metallic taste in my mouth, increased nasal mucus, increased cervical mucus, cramping, spotting. You can’t say I didn’t warn you about being tmi. 😉

I assumed all my symptoms were Aunt Flo getting ready to grace me with her presence. In case you don’t know, ovulation/AF/pregnancy symptoms are all very similar. Some mean trick by Mother Nature. As if bleeding once a month, having boobs & estrogen, pushing a melon through a keyhole, and all the other fun that comes with being a woman isn’t enough.

First home pregnancy test a couple weeks later was a big fat negative. I was still convinced Aunt Flo was coming. Right around the time my period tracker app said AF would come, I started spotting. Still, I was assuming that time of the month was upon me. 10 days of spotting (and some cramping) later I got my BFP (big fat positive).
Bfp

I immediately went to target to get a little batman onesie (my husband has a slight batman obsession). I should also mention Father’s Day was upon us and if I could have found the perfect card I would have gotten that as well. I mean, how perfect right? I put the onesie in a decorative box and waited for DH (darling husband) to get home from work. His birthday was at the end of the month and I told him it was an early present. Of course after the shock wore off he was thrilled. The shock was because I had managed to convince him too it would take a while to get knocked up after being on the pill for 15 years.

We were flying across the country bright and early the next morning to sunny California. So, since I knew spotting and cramping weren’t great signs in early pregnancy I got myself into my Obgyn immediately. Another pee test confirmation, a looking good pelvic exam, blood work, and an ultrasound.

Next chapter: The first ob visit.

Hello!

Hi cyberverse! I’m not big on small talk so let’s cut to the chase shall we? This year I went through getting pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, having the tube rupture, having surgery, and starting to heal. It was my first and so far only pregnancy. With lots of drama and emotions in between.

I have found a surprising lack of info, support, and discussion about this common occurrence. Especially in the USA. The last I read, 1 in 50 pregnancies is ectopic. Something like 1 in 5 pregnancies will end. (Ectopic, miscarriage, still birth etc).

Until this year I had never even heard the term “ectopic pregnancy”.

Oh sure in health class in school we took how to make a baby 101 and learned that an std would kill you or drive you insane. But the word ectopic never came up.

Ectopic pregnancy is the number 1 cause of death in the first trimester.

I’m starting this blog for several reasons. Not in any specific order: 1) I love to write. Writing is therapeutic for me. Given that I went through a trauma I figured this would help. 2) To raise awareness of the serious and common danger of ectopic pregnancies. 3) To let others who have been through this and worse know that they are in fact not alone. 4) If I can make even one person feel better or comfort them in any way then I will be happy.

I’m trying to put my story out there with as much detail as I can. For those of us going through this when researching online the devil is in the details. I’ll try to be thorough. If I leave things out I will edit later. I’m always editing in my life. I’ll try to cut it up into more easily digestible chunks for you. It may take some time before I’m caught up with where I am right now. I honestly can’t wait until it’s all out and back to the present tense.

Also, for convenience sake I’m writing most of these on my phone. Autocorrect sucks. Please excuse the random if instead of of and whatever else slips through.

Happy reading! Thank you for stopping by!