Seriously!?

Well, I’m officially pissed off.

Judging by my chart and all negative opk tests when I’m on cd 17 I have the suspicion that even with the drug that’s supposed to make me ovulate, my stupid body still is going to refuse to do so.

I’m giving it until like cd 23 before I get more provera to induce yet another bleed to start yet another now hopeless cycle.

If I indeed don’t ovulate this time, the amount of loathing I will have for this body of mine will be unfathomable. I’m already in a vicious hate cycle with it. I lost my respect for it, so I eat, and then hate it even more.

I know the dose of femara will just increase the next cycle and HOPEFULLY that will do the trick. But who freaking knows right? Because why would my body do what it was designed to do? Why would it function properly? Why would I ovulate?

If I were ovulating and we were not getting pregnant I would not be as upset. Not right away anyways. I know there’s only like a 20% chance each cycle if you ovulate. But it’s sure as hell better than 0%! Right now I am infertile. I don’t just have infertility issues. I’m sterile. Or barren. Or whatever you want to call it.

I’m just pissed off. Each day that passes without the damn smiley face drains more hope. My frown gets bigger and droops more. Grumpy cat has got nothing on me!

 

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Thanks google for the pic. Found here.

 

There’s still a glimmer of hope that I’m jumping the gun and worrying for nothing. That maybe I missed the lh surge and did ovulate. That maybe I’ll just ovulate late. That maybe even if it doesn’t happen this month, next month it will. But that glimmer is getting dimmer each minute.

My Friday Ritual

Another Friday spent next to my phone waiting for it to ring. Like a school girl waiting for her crush to call and ask her out. But my crush is my doctor. My date would be rite aid to get femara (hopefully).

A question I have for all of you who chart bbt, how much higher should my bbt go when taking provera (progesterone)? When I was pregnant my temp (taken orally) was well over 98.
I don’t know what my temp would be post ovulation as I haven’t been able to chart an ovulation cycle yet. This cycle (vaginal temp) it’s almost 98 the past few days (on provera) and my coverline I think would be around 97.7 so not much of a rise. image
Last cycle (oral temp) my temp barely rose during provera.
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Progesterone raises your temp. So taking it for 5 days should raise it similar to an ovulation rise right? Or maybe it’s too low of a dose?

Yes I’m over analyzing because it’s all I can do. Because if I have any other cycle issues aside from not ovulating I’d like to know. So I can try to control my body and my situation which I can’t actually control. But the illusion of control is comforting. The illusion of being able to do something to help.

On another note:
My ex friend F unfriended me on Facebook which we all know in this era means a friendship is officially over. I thought I may have accidentally done it when my app was acting up so I texted her to ask and her classy lack of response confirms what I suspected. No warning. No reason. I haven’t even talked to her or about her since our coffee weeks ago.

I already grieved this loss. The girl I had been best friends with for over a decade has been gone for a long time. I do not want this new her in my life. So it’s no more a loss now that it’s ‘facebook official’. It doesn’t warrant anything more than a shrug from me.

I wasn’t going to do the passive aggressive thing that she did because I’m an adult and in the future when her 2 faced BFF and sister in laws stab her in the back again I still would have been there for her. (The same people she talks so much shit about behind their backs btw).

The people you spend your time with rub off on you. Especially her. When she separates herself from these people after they stab her in the back again, she will go back to the person I used to know. But I won’t be there.

Or maybe she’s always been this awful 2 faced girl and now the veil has been lifted and I see her for what she really is.

Regardless, closure is good. Still a little sad but relieving. It’s like a dark cloud has lifted.

I know what stress can do to the body. She put me through a ton of stress when I got pregnant. Part of me kind of wonders if maybe that didn’t have an effect on my tube function or lack there of. Not that it matters now. At least it won’t matter in the future. Less stress. Less drama. Better baby making/baking environment for me!

One of the last things I saw F post was baby shower pics from her new BFF. She referred to her new BFF as amazing. (Yes the same one she trash talked about to me so much is now ‘amazing’). Yes I know especially by now that pregnancy that ends in a live baby is wonderful. But getting and staying knocked up successfully on your first try is not ‘amazing’. (I talked to her before about ttc so I know it was her first try). She is the 3 out of 4. The majority.

You know who is actually amazing? Us. The infertiles who keep on going. The 1 out of 4. The 1 out of 50. Those of us who have gone through a loss or ten and still live on. A lot of us with hope none the less. We are amazing. We are extraordinary. We are stronger. We are deserving of our happy endings. Those of us who have gone through these struggles and come out on the other side with a rainbow or two are amazing. Those pregnancies and births are truly amazing.

Maybe upon seeing that on October 15th of all days just made me bitter. So maybe I’m a bitter bitch. (Sue me) But seriously. I can’t be the only one who would react like this.

Facebook is not for us. We should create an infertile facebook. Barrenbook.

So, that’s that. And I’m perfectly happy with it. My life feels less negative and less stressed already. It’s done, my rant is done, and time to move forward. Moving forward with several other friends (1 in particular) who have been so great through my horrid year. Friends who understand. Friends who are going through a lot in their lives physically and emotionally but are still by my side.

Although, since it’s about 7pm it’s safe to say my doc stood me up. 😦 I need to start the drugs on day 3 of my cycle so if she gets a hold of me mon (and gets the script in) we should be ok. That’s a big if though. Who knows if she’s even in the office mon…

Mother Nature is a b!*@h.

August 1st marked the month we were allowed to start TTC again. (Surgery was June 24th, Metho was June 13th)

Emotionally, I feel like I’m as good as I can be. I feel like I won’t be ‘better’ until I get pregnant and have a healthy baby OR get confirmation that I will never be able to have children and am able to grieve that. One way or the other. I have my good days and my bad days as we all do. I am proud to say that as of just recently I can go to my ob’s office and not cry. I have seen my doctor and labs way too much in the last 3 months. Either the nurses or the doctor would seem to always say something that set my emotions off. Most often that something was “I’m sorry for your loss.” I could hold it together in public until someone said that. Or asked if I’m ok. Then the flood gates opened! Maybe it was just one of my good days but the last visit went smoothly.

Since I hadn’t had a period since the surgery, and since we were going to TTC again, I started charting my BBT to track ovulation so I could have a date if we got pregnant.  I started checking cervical mucus and occasionally cervical placement. I used OPKs too. I cut out caffeine (no more tea!) and ate green leafy veggies and avocados and kept on with my prenatals.

I got my first positive opk test. Hubby and I baby danced our asses off. But my temps did not agree that I had actually ovulated.

Another week and I got the most EW cervical mucus I’ve ever seen (the fertile cm).  The temps could have indicated ovulation, but I had no idea for sure. Fertility friend (the app I use to track my bbt) on the research setting said I could have ovulated when I thought I did. I thought that maybe I had started the TWW before I could poas. I tracked my symptoms, which were plentiful, and stalked the website two week wait.

I was hungry all the time. Starting as soon as I woke up. Very unusual for me. Acne which had subsided for a whole week was back and bolder than ever. I was very nauseous which is also unusual for me. If I ate too much, nausea.  If I didn’t eat quick enough, nausea.  I had vivid dreams and fatigue. I was bloated and gassy beyond belief again. That had subsided for a whole week after the pregnancy too. Basically, after surgery there was maybe a week where I didn’t feel pregnant any more.  Then it all came right back. Cruel joke mother nature.

Just for giggles I decided to start opk testing again. A week later, another positive test. Of course I had researched the hell out of my temps and my situation to no avail. A few days later, and another positive opk test. Each one going negative again the day after they went positive (as is normal). But this situation was abnormal. I know that the body can gear up to ovulate, produce an LH surge, and get a positive opk and then not ovulate.

2 weeks after the possible ovulation and no AF and BFN pregnancy tests. I had gained 15lbs since the ectopic over the summer. I lose that over the summer not gain. In the long NY winter the most I ever gain is 10lbs and it melts off as soon as I start moving and eating better again. But on the plus side since I gain weight in my boobs, among other places, they looked phenomenal. My hormones felt very out of whack. I was so bloated and miserable and something had to give. Not to mention let down because no AF and no BFP in sight.

I went to my ob, again.  She sent me for blood work, again. She also proscribed me 5 days of Provera to induce a bleed. 3 days after provera, it worked an I started a ‘period’.  My tests were all normal. Negative pregnancy. But very low progesterone indicating that I had in fact not ovulated. I suspect I was in estrogen dominance.  It would explain my weight gain and other symptoms as well as low progesterone. It would also explain why I feel so much better and back to normal now that I have taken provera which is progesterone. So my body flat out refuses to let me even try to get pregnant again. Thanks mother nature. You’re a bitch.

If none of this jargin makes sense to you please visit my abbreviations page. It may help clear things up a little.

In the course of 2 months of charting I did not ovulate. But it was my first time charting so I didn’t know what to expect or how exactly to tell if I did ovulate. Here is my anovulatory chart.  Your temps should increase about .4 and stay up to indicate ovulation occurred.

 

 

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