I’m alive

I’m not dead yet. I promise.

 I just literally can’t even. I hope you read that in the most basic white girl voice possible. I wish I could have a pumpkin spice latte right now. 

I just wanted to say hi. And I’m still on a blogging break. I don’t want to think or talk about IF for a while. Hence, being MIA here. Still here in the trenches. Still not pregnant surprise surprise. 

 That being said IF and not being pregnant is still of course all I think about. It’s still consuming. It still sucks and hurts. I still walk out of the room mumbling when my coworkers start talking about having babies. Because they’re naively planning. And for those lucky bitches it probably will go as planned. It probably will be easy. 

I’ll be back. After halloween. Baby dust to you all. 

Ain’t no sunshine 

Today was a bad day for a lot of us IFers. My 3rd IVF transfer was a bfn. As usual. So many others cycling with me IRL and online also got the bfn today. Today just sucks. Instead of a single line on the pee stick it should just have a middle finger pop up. Same thing right? 

So the baby growing in my tube that was created the moment we decided to start tying to have a baby grew like a fucking weed right? Grew so damn well it almost killed me. But 5 perfect embryos carefully, painstakingly created and placed just so in a warm cushy uterus with plenty of progesterone and estrogen won’t implant. Not even a chemical pregnancy. Zilch. 

To say I’m frustrated and pissed off is an understatement. 

Luckily we have some frozen. Thank you HGH! FETs for us now. I’ve never done one so I’ve got no idea what to expect. 

As I may have mentioned before, I love to write. I used to be pretty damn good at it. My genius was born of my pain. 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” -Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. You just sit down at the typewriter and bleed.” -Hemingway again? I forget who. 

I’ve not been inspired through this whole process. I’ve been through enough pain. Physical and emotional. But I have no words. I feel like after this, after it works or doesn’t, is when it’ll all come gushing out. Like right now I’ve got a tourniquet on. And after some sort of ending, I’ll release it…

Maybe I’ll be healing by then. Or maybe the wound will refuse to close and I’ll still be bleeding everywhere. 

bffn

So today was beta day. According to FRER this morning I’m not pregnant. The nurse with the sad voice confirmed the beta is negative too. 

Next step? Aside from wine (lots of wine) and rare steak? FET. As soon as I start bleeding our fet cycle starts. I’m already petrified. We only have one embaby on ice. If it doesn’t survive the thaw, it’s a waste of a month and cycle. I won’t know if it thaws ok until an hour or so before the transfer. The clinic is 2 hours away. 

I only have until the end of this year to get as many cycles in as possible. That’s it. If no baby by New Year’s Eve, then no baby ever. I can’t afford to waste time. Especially when I produce a ton of shit eggs, apparently. Not a shit ton. A ton of shit. Or a shit ton of shit. 

This week has been hell. I lost my only source of income. And DH can’t support both of us. Getting a job is really tough around here. Unless I want to work at mcdonalds. Nope. And now a bfn of our beautiful embaby. There was no reason that it shouldn’t have worked. The cherry on the sundae? Fucking Mother’s Day is Sunday. Last year at this time I had just gotten pregnant. Just conceived. My one pregnancy that ended horribly weeks later. 

I need to win the lotto (but can’t afford to play) and need to win the pregnancy lotto too. 

I honestly don’t know how much I’ll blog about the next cycles. I’m understandably feeling pretty down and discouraged. I just don’t know if I want to write about it. We’ll see I guess. But if and when I disappear, don’t be shocked. I’ll be back to update at the end of each cycle I’m sure. But that’s it. I will be active on twitter though. As I have been. You can find me @myectopic. Wish me luck. I need it. 

IVF 1 update 

My ovaries are huge and full of eggs. Over 20 on the right and just less on the left. I’m under instruction to move as little as possible. No long walks. No exercise. No ‘jiggling the ovaries’. The nurses were kind of amazed at my ovaries and eggs. This clinic does 100’s of ivfs a year, with lots of pcos patients. So that’s saying something. 

Mr. Big can’t possibly do a retrieval Thursday, which is exactly when it should be done. 😡

So my clinic lowered my gonal dose for the next 2 days and will trigger me Wednesday for retrieval Friday. Hopefully they won’t be ‘over ripe’ by then. Hopefully I won’t just ovulate on my own by then. I’m on an injection to try to prohibit me from ovulating on my own. 

I can’t wait until Friday. I hope we get lots of just ripened and matured enough eggs. 

Shots shots shots shots!!!!

So our IVF cycle has begun. I had my baseline blood work and ultrasound Monday and things looked perfect so I started injections that night. 

The very thought of stabbing myself with a needle VOLUNTARILY freaked me out. But the gonal pens are so easy and almost painless. Those are the FSH ones to make the eggs grow. They really work! Lots of follicles and they’re 8-12mm. 16 minimum is what I need. 

I graduated to 2 injections a night now.  This second one is to prevent me from ovulating. Which I know I would do if I don’t do these shots. I already have several signs ovulation would be approaching. Plus my estridol is fairly high now. 

I’ve been going to my clinic every other day for blood and dildo cam. My left ovary is notoriously hard to find and painful. Today I had a different tech and it took her like 5 minutes and pressing on my bloated sore abdomen to find it. 

Doing IVF with pcos sucks! I’m already bloated and in pain from the ovaries with too many follicles in them. But now we are encouraging those follies to grow. It’s painful. It’s really uncomfortable. It makes my job (fitness instructor) hell. None of my clothes fit. And I’m too pessimistic or whatever to buy any maternity pants and I’m too mad to buy any larger regular pants. I just don’t want to admit how big I am.  I hope I just get pregnant and get bigger for the next 9 months! But if I don’t, I’m scared of the unnecessary weight gain. 

So next step is the hcg trigger to make all the follies mature. Probably on Wednesday. Which means retrevial would be Friday. I’ve got no idea what to expect from the next week. Other than more bloating and pain. And hopefully lots of fat, mature eggs! If it all ends in a take home baby then it’s totally worth it. 

Loved and lost or not at all?

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Is it? 

What about when it comes to  infertility and pregnancy loss?

What’s better then? I mean, obviously neither. 

Does fertile myrtle have any idea what it’s like, what we go through, every time we hear a pregnancy announcement? 

When women around me announce their pregnancy there’s a lot of thoughts and feelings that cross my mind.

I think about what she felt when she found out. When that magical second line appeared on the stick. I smile because I know that feeling. It’s shock and excitement. It’s a bunch of plans being made in an instant. Her heart starts racing. 

But then I remember what it feels like to have that happiness literally ripped from me. And my stomach turns. And the smile turns to a tight lipped frown, trying to hold back tears. 

Since I’ve been pregnant once I can’t tell you how it feels to hear the pregnancy announcements when you’ve never been able to have one. I can’t describe the utter frustration and anguish. 

I keep thinking ‘well at least I got to be pregnant once.’ Even though only for a few short weeks. I got to feel full and sick and eat only ice cream for dinner once because the craving was that bad. So if I never get to be pregnant again, or have a baby, at least I have that. I can hang onto that. 

But then I think, what if I didn’t? To never have had that experience. Because being pregnant, and then having it ripped away after it tried to kill me, was like doing heroin. Or so I imagine. I can’t stop thinking about it. All. The. Time. I remember how my body felt vividly. I want that feeling back. I need that feeling back. Now. 

If I never had that first hit…

The grass is always greener, right? 

Clearly neither is better. They both suck. 

Fertile myrtle announces her pregnancy and infertility survivors and pregnancy loss survivors alike silently scream and cry in our heads while faking a smile and enthusiasm. We rage. We ask why not me? What’s wrong with me? When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?  In our minds, we are smashing the good china plates. Possibly throwing a tantrum like the child we wish we had. 

Then we go home, or just to the restroom if we make it that far, and we cry. For all that we had and lost, for all that we never had, for the fear of what we may never have. 

Every. Single. Time. 

It’s exhausting. It’s maddening. I don’t know how we all pull it together and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

But we just do. 

How I KNEW 

How I KNEW I was pregnant this time:

Sorest boobs and nips that got worse every day.  High beautiful temps.  Metallic taste in my mouth. Sensitive to smells. Nauseaus. Twinges in uterus. Fatigue. Headache. Cravings and food aversions. Starving! Peeing every 10 minutes. Hope. 

How I KNEW I wasn’t pregnant this time:

Because the odds are so against me and I’m never that lucky. All the symptoms mentioned above are also pms symptoms. Aka, progesterone. Cramps. Spotting at 11dpo and 12dpo.  Negative test at 11dpo. Most importantly, the horrid and dramatic entrance of AF who brought the worst cramps I think I’ve had with her. 

I could’ve sworn I was pregnant. I haven’t had all those symptoms together since I was actually pregnant a year ago. Once I spotted I could’ve sworn I was pregnant but it was ectopic. (PTSD much?) 

My point here is, I can’t trust my body. Every single TWW and AF and BFP is different. I can’t help but keep track of my symptoms, even though I know they mean fuck all. 

But I think this was a good lesson now when I’m about to start IVF. Hopefully I’ll be able to survive the IVF TWW better now. Am I convincing? I didn’t think so. 

Also, hope is kind of a mean bitch. If I ever have a girl you can rest assured I will NOT name her hope. 

AF watch

Last night (11dpo) I took a test and of course it was -. My boobs are a little less sore today.  My bladder doesn’t want to burst as often. I’m still having light spotting on and off that’s dark brown. But what’s worse? My temp dropped this morning. Not below the cover, but low enough to assume AF should arrive tomorrow I’m guessing. 

So tomorrow morning the temp will be below cover. Hopefully AF will show up while someone is still at the clinic. If not I’ll be going in on cd 2. Which, I’m assuming isn’t too much of a difference? But idk since this is my first IVF cycle. I don’t even have a schedule yet. Everything is waiting on AF. 

I’m pretty mad about this thanks to hope. Who by the way still insists that it’s not over until AF shows up. Who also insists that this could just be implantation. But I insist that I’m never that lucky. The only time I get anything when the odds are slim is when it’s bad. Like having an ectopic. 

So I’m slightly pissed. But I can’t change anything. I can’t control anything. I just have to hope that I can turn myself into a pin cushion for IVF and that by the end of the year just one of my IVF cycles works.

 

Day 11 and I’m seeing spots

Ok guys, this gets maybe a little too tmi at times. But this is a ttc and infertility blog so….what do you expect?

11 dpo today. I woke up happy because my temp is still very high. Boobs still very full and sore. Still bloated. Still fatigued and dizzy sometimes. Still peeing every 5 minutes. Still no sign of the AF very loose bm that always happens the day before or day of AF. See? Tmi. 

Then I went to the bathroom and wiped bright red. I was expecting AF (aunt flo) to show up full force. But no.  Nothing on a pad so far (it’s been half the day). No more red. But a bit of brown, and only when wiping. Not much cramping either. 

 So, spotting. Which I don’t typically get before AF. Usually she just bangs down the door and screams that’s she’s arrived. My temps always plumitt the day before or day of AF arriving too. 

This happened once before. About a year ago. When I had the ectopic. My odds of even getting pregnant are low so I’m assuming it’s not that. And it’s only 11dpo so I haven’t tested yet. But if AF arrives, I don’t need to. 

I have to wait until cd 1 which is “full red flow” before going to the clinic to start my IVF cycle. I called and they said if I don’t get AF by tomorrow then they’ll have me come in. If I don’t get AF by tomorrow morning I think I’ll take a test just to rule out preg. If that’s even possible at 12dpo. 

This was a natural and unexpected ovulation with great timed (yet unintentional because I wasn’t using opk because I didn’t think I’d ovulate and even if I did the odds are crap anyways) BD. 

As usual in ttc and IF, only time will tell. Keep going to the bathroom to check every 5 minutes. Keep squeezing boobs every hour to see if they’re still as sore. Keep feeling crazy.