I woke up at 5am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Partly because it felt like Christmas morning. Partly because my butt hurt so bad and was spasming thanks to the PIO shot. 😖

When it was time, I put on my lucky kitty socks from My Perfect Breakdown and grabbed the very positive book she sent me. 

I’m ready.

I got accupuncture just before the transfer. As well as a Valium to relax the muscles so there was no spasming or contracting. If you have the option and are not driving yourself, take the Valium! 

The RE came in and showed us or embryos. We wound up with 1 graded 4AB and 1 graded 3 AA. Given our circumstance he/we decided to put one in and freeze the other. The 3AA is frozen (I just hope it thaws when we need it). The 4AB is hopefully making a home in my uterus. Which was “standing upright” for the procedure. I’ve never heard that before. Thanks swollen ovaries. So naturally it took him 4 tries to get the practice catheter in place. The loaded catheter went in fine. There was discomfort. There was pressure. There was pinching. But no part of this process is comfortable, is it? It was quick though. I layed down for a little after that and went home, where I got more acupuncture. 

Acupuncture really helped. It warmed me up and seriously relaxed me. I’m going back for “implantation acupuncture” Saturday. 

I’m taking it easy today. But not on bed rest. Apparently the uterus likes you to sit up, not lay down, and have light movement. According to Mr. Big’s research anyways. 

My blood pregnancy test is Friday May 8th. I have no idea how long it takes to get those results. Wishing for a sticky, healthy embaby. 

Mr. Big has really stepped up. I’m on progesterone now which my body loves. So I’m not such an emotional wreck. I’m sure that helps us both. But I think it’s finally ‘real’ for him. He got to see the embaby on the ultrasound in my upright uterus. He’s looking up all sorts of info on what to do in the TWW and how to take care of me. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. 

Sidenote, I never had to really think about all the things you need to do and not do when pregnant. I didn’t think I would be. And I’m not yet. PUPO is a bit different. But I need to eat and act pregnant. The nurse said to avoid salmon because of the mercury. I thought salmon was one of the better ones?  If you have credible sources I can look up of what to do and what not to do, could you post a link? It’s very odd to act pregnant with an embaby on board. And I want to take care of it! What do you do in the IVF TWW? 



How I KNEW I was pregnant this time:

Sorest boobs and nips that got worse every day.  High beautiful temps.  Metallic taste in my mouth. Sensitive to smells. Nauseaus. Twinges in uterus. Fatigue. Headache. Cravings and food aversions. Starving! Peeing every 10 minutes. Hope. 

How I KNEW I wasn’t pregnant this time:

Because the odds are so against me and I’m never that lucky. All the symptoms mentioned above are also pms symptoms. Aka, progesterone. Cramps. Spotting at 11dpo and 12dpo.  Negative test at 11dpo. Most importantly, the horrid and dramatic entrance of AF who brought the worst cramps I think I’ve had with her. 

I could’ve sworn I was pregnant. I haven’t had all those symptoms together since I was actually pregnant a year ago. Once I spotted I could’ve sworn I was pregnant but it was ectopic. (PTSD much?) 

My point here is, I can’t trust my body. Every single TWW and AF and BFP is different. I can’t help but keep track of my symptoms, even though I know they mean fuck all. 

But I think this was a good lesson now when I’m about to start IVF. Hopefully I’ll be able to survive the IVF TWW better now. Am I convincing? I didn’t think so. 

Also, hope is kind of a mean bitch. If I ever have a girl you can rest assured I will NOT name her hope. 

AF watch

Last night (11dpo) I took a test and of course it was -. My boobs are a little less sore today.  My bladder doesn’t want to burst as often. I’m still having light spotting on and off that’s dark brown. But what’s worse? My temp dropped this morning. Not below the cover, but low enough to assume AF should arrive tomorrow I’m guessing. 

So tomorrow morning the temp will be below cover. Hopefully AF will show up while someone is still at the clinic. If not I’ll be going in on cd 2. Which, I’m assuming isn’t too much of a difference? But idk since this is my first IVF cycle. I don’t even have a schedule yet. Everything is waiting on AF. 

I’m pretty mad about this thanks to hope. Who by the way still insists that it’s not over until AF shows up. Who also insists that this could just be implantation. But I insist that I’m never that lucky. The only time I get anything when the odds are slim is when it’s bad. Like having an ectopic. 

So I’m slightly pissed. But I can’t change anything. I can’t control anything. I just have to hope that I can turn myself into a pin cushion for IVF and that by the end of the year just one of my IVF cycles works.


Day 11 and I’m seeing spots

Ok guys, this gets maybe a little too tmi at times. But this is a ttc and infertility blog so….what do you expect?

11 dpo today. I woke up happy because my temp is still very high. Boobs still very full and sore. Still bloated. Still fatigued and dizzy sometimes. Still peeing every 5 minutes. Still no sign of the AF very loose bm that always happens the day before or day of AF. See? Tmi. 

Then I went to the bathroom and wiped bright red. I was expecting AF (aunt flo) to show up full force. But no.  Nothing on a pad so far (it’s been half the day). No more red. But a bit of brown, and only when wiping. Not much cramping either. 

 So, spotting. Which I don’t typically get before AF. Usually she just bangs down the door and screams that’s she’s arrived. My temps always plumitt the day before or day of AF arriving too. 

This happened once before. About a year ago. When I had the ectopic. My odds of even getting pregnant are low so I’m assuming it’s not that. And it’s only 11dpo so I haven’t tested yet. But if AF arrives, I don’t need to. 

I have to wait until cd 1 which is “full red flow” before going to the clinic to start my IVF cycle. I called and they said if I don’t get AF by tomorrow then they’ll have me come in. If I don’t get AF by tomorrow morning I think I’ll take a test just to rule out preg. If that’s even possible at 12dpo. 

This was a natural and unexpected ovulation with great timed (yet unintentional because I wasn’t using opk because I didn’t think I’d ovulate and even if I did the odds are crap anyways) BD. 

As usual in ttc and IF, only time will tell. Keep going to the bathroom to check every 5 minutes. Keep squeezing boobs every hour to see if they’re still as sore. Keep feeling crazy.

Thyroid woes

Hypothyroidism.  (Thanks google/pinterest for the image) 

So about 2 weeks ago I was put on synthroid for my newly diagnosed hypothyroidism. I think they only did a tsh test not t3 and t4. This will be corrected as I will make them. 

Take my blood! Take it damnit! 

The first week I felt so good! Better than I have in a long time. So much energy. Fat seems to have started to melt off. So happy. Happy? What’s that?

Then the hair loss kicked into overdrive. Then the insomnia started. I’m tired by the evening but can’t sleep. I’m a little more anxious and less happy. All signs point to being on too high of a dose of the synthroid. So basically I went from hypo to hyperthyroidism in a week. Great. But I did ovulate, so there’s that. 

When the thyroid is out of whack everything else is horribly affected. 

Also, when you’re pregnant and your thyroid levels are not balanced your risk of having an autistic child increases 4 fold.  

Now that I ovulated and if I get my period in a week and a half I’ll be starting IVF immediately. Which means this thyroid needs fixing now. 

I’m going to become ‘that girl’ at my clinic and I don’t even care. Because I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here knowing what I do and not do anything to change my situation. 

Also, I really want a good chocolate chip cookie. Badly! But I’m paleo and gluten free and low glycemic index and try to limit dairy as much as possible.  So good chocolate chip cookies don’t exist anymore. I don’t want any of my recipes. My banana, oat, almond butter, coconut oil, applesauce, avocado replacement recipes. Nope. Just a good old fashioned chocolate chip cookie with crusty outside and cookie dough inside. Still warm from the oven. Is it so much to ask for? 😔

Yes, this is my mind when I can’t sleep. 

Also, if I can’t sleep, I can’t accurately temp! Aaahhh!!!

Salty Surprise

If you have played cards against humanity you may have seen the awesome salty surprise card. If you haven’t played, go do it.

Upstate NY is a salty surprise today. After all the crap weather has cleared up and streets are clear again, there’s salt everywhere. I could wash my poor car twice a day (but it’s too cold to do so) and it wouldn’t matter. There’s clouds of salt on the road instead of snow. Salt in my house. Salt in my car. Salt on my dog (the pet safe kind). This has nothing to do with ectopics or infertility, I just felt like sharing.

Where am I on my quest to make a baby? Well thanks to the higher dose of Femara I ovulated. On cd 13!!! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning I’m so excited! Starting 2015 out right!

I’m not sure about our timing of baby dancing as I wasn’t expecting to ovulate in a timely manner. But we bd 4 days before ovulation, day of ovulation, and day after ovulation. I ovulated the same day or night of my +opk. I’m not sure which side I ovulated from either. Last time I really felt it. This time I’ve had some discomfort on my left side (the tubeless side) but that’s really it. No obvious popping.

I’ve made it a goal (not a resolution) to do yoga for fertility every day in 2015. Bare minimum is legs up wall pose for 5 mins. I’m doing good so far. Mr. Big even does legs up wall before bed with me! So far of 3 (medicated) cycles, the one cycle I didn’t do yoga in I didn’t ovulate in.

I’ve been more positive too. I notice the times my thoughts turn negative or pessimistic (or realistic) and I turn them into positive ones. The yoga has helped me breathe and meditate. I’ve had a visualization of a baby/embryo in a womb come up out of nowhere. So I’m trying to hold onto that.

I’m just trying. If this cycle doesn’t work I’ve decided to go onto herbs. The ones that worked for me before. Or seemed to work before. But also get a consult with a RE at a fertility center. This doctor is one of the top in the world or so I’m told. Who knows how long it’ll take to get in. A couple of months I think.

I’m undecided on taking vitex. I’m going to do tribulus, maca, Damiana. I have vitex I just don’t know if I should start it. There’s so many mixed feelings about it out there. If you have experience with vitex please let me know your thoughts.

Let’s just hope I don’t even need to decide. 🙂 Let the two week wait begin. Hopefully it’s actually a 2 week wait and not a 9 day wait like last ovulation cycle.

Anyone else in the 2ww? May the odds be ever in our favor!

Don’t let the pain stop.

Most normal people don’t like pain and discomfort. They like to medicate and end the pain as quickly as they can.

I’m not trying to symptom spot, because let’s be honest at 7dpo it’s all due to progesterone. The cramps, hopefully the right sided tightness, the sore boobs and nips, the frequent urination, the bloating, the hunger…all progesterone.

When I was pregnant the first thing I noticed was sore nips that got worse every day starting at 5dpo. Same this time. Which means sore boobs is par for the course of my normal post ovulation body. The odds are they’ll get better in a week or so. No more pain, no more discomfort.

But gosh I hope not. I hope they get worse every day. I hope they feel like they’re going to hop off my chest. I hope bras and shirts and even silk hurt to rub against. I hope even the water in the shower hurts. I want to be bloated, and pee all the time. I want to be nauseous and even throw up.

I hate waiting. One week down. Here’s to hoping for pain and discomfort for 9 months.


Over the next week, if I have a fertilized egg floating around, implantation could occur. I’m going to skip the part about what could go wrong and the low percentage that it’s actually happening and focus on what I can do to help, just in case.

Movement. I read somewhere that the motion of walking could help implantation. If you think about it, it makes sense. The gentle rocking motion could help the little embryo burrow. Or at least help it make it’s way out of the tube, which is also a concern of mine. If it doesn’t help, it’s sure not hurting anything. So I’m walking. And doing yoga designed for the luteal phase. Nothing too strenuous, nothing too bouncy or aerobic.

Nourishment. Obviously I’m taking prenatals. I’m not eating sugar and processed junk. I read that pineapple in moderation, specifically the core, is supposed to help thanks to the bromelain. You’re supposed to chop it up into 5 pieces and have one piece a day after you ovulate. I’m skipping this one because I was too late. But next time, maybe. Brazil nuts, an excellent source of selenium, I am eating. They are also supposed to help, in moderation. Everything in moderation. So a small handful a day for me. As well as other mixed nuts. No other herbs or any foods out of the ordinary. Just trying to eat healthy all around.

Warmth. I read that staying warm, but not too warm, can produce a nice environment to burrow into. It’s snowing now and cold so I can relate to wanting to burrow into warm things. No hot baths or showers, no heating bottles. But keeping my feet warm, which is a next to impossible task, and keeping the rest of me warm/comfortable is a priority. I’ve got thick socks, leg warmers, fuzzy slippers, and a blanket if needed. Having my ankles and calves covered seems to do the trick to keeping these ice toes warm.
Eating warm things and staying away from eating anything cold is also something I came across. Since it’s cold out, that’s not a hard thing for me to do.

Calm. One of the hardest for anyone in the TWW to achieve. I wish I could do acupuncture now. It would help a lot. I just don’t have it in the budget right now.
Focusing on the little I might be able to do, per what could be going on that day in my cycle is helping. Hence for the rest of the week trying to create an environment that’s warm and inviting to implant into.
I’m not reading into any symptoms. The hormones can be the cause of anything felt during these two weeks so I’m blaming the hormones for everything I feel, or don’t feel.
Taking things a day at a time, but trying to keep my mind busy on other things is all I really can do.
Breathing also helps. Being conscious of my breathing and slowing it down when needed also works to calm down and center myself.
Meditating for relaxation is something I intend to start this week too.

I know there’s lots more out there that could help this process, but this is what I’m doing this cycle. So much of the info out there contradicts itself. Who can ever know what truly helps?